| Depression |

there's an annual function that my company is holding in a couple of weeks' time. i'd like to go, but seems like most of my closer colleagues have no wish to go. i wonder why when they tell me how nice it seemed back then and now that's its reality, no one wants to go. i figured it must be inferior complex.
hmmm will see. if there's any reason i'm going, its only for the food.

anyway, i was so tied up at work yesterday i had no time to blog. but it felt good to be busy. honest. and today is the same but since boss is on leave, i can take my time.

i think i am very prone to depression. i did a survey just the other day and i might be suffering from Dysthymia, minor yet chronic depression they call it. and turns out that depression is very common among women as compared with men.

why? i dunno.

i was depressed before, during my student internship programme (sip) where my supervisor was pregnant and because of her natal blues, she was leashing it out on me every single day and it was just pure torture. 6 months and i almost gave up along the way. i was really going crazy and i lost 5 kg within the second month. the doctor i was seeing gave me medication but i never took them because i didn't wanna be reliant on them. slowly but surely i prayed about it and God was good, she stopped coming to work, was fired or quitted rather. and then she went back to malaysia. then another supervisor came and things were never better.

was that an indication of my inability to contain stress? perhaps but could anyone have taken it assuming it was accusation and scolding for no apparent reason day after day? anyone could have gone crazy i guess.

but now, i got so much pent-up frustrations, i can't talk to anyone about it, and its giving me very negative thoughts about myself, my life and everything around me. and i thought this job was good. issit really good?

people are mean in big organisations, they're even meaner in bigger offices.

not that i've been bullied, but it just sux in here. really.

and my dear has been aimed at to help out at the great minister, Rajaratnum's funeral @ esplanade today and tomorrow, thus my weekend is burnt. BUT the good thing is that will be meeting up with my girls and guy pals for ktv. which is good i guess?

| *blah |

after looking at my photos on friendster, i think i got a round face. *pouts

that aside.

my head is starting to spin again. if there's any stress or tension as the stupid rude doctor claimed, it must be the stress of having nothing to do at all.

i'm glad its about time to go home. i miss going home early to sleep. have been so busy taking care of that baby of mine since his wisdom teeth extraction. so pampered and so man-jar, oh i had to constantly look out for his needs, cook for him, mash the porridge, make sure there are no bones since he can't chew. tried to make it as tasty as possible because he had to eat the same fish porridge everyday.

well and he can finally remove his stiches tomorrow.

i have yet to take a pic of his swollen face. i just didn't want to make him feel bad you see. =p

and in return, my reward was an omelette cooked especially by him, the very first time he cooked and to be honest, it was well-done for a first-timer! so baby, keep it up!

oh and did it ever occur to you that you might be suffering from depression?

i think i might.

| Rude Doctor |

i really took the day off yesterday, it was highly unbearable. and went to the doctor whom i vow never to visit again even if i was on the verge of death because this is one kind of a rude doctor.

he's located at loyang point and his MBBA is from Ireland. must be that kind of cheapo and low standard medical school. Dr. Muk.

i would have mentioned his clinic's name and his full name but nah, i decided to be kind and just leave his last name since its SO unique anyway. BUT i have already informed my entire company never to visit him because he's the lowest grade of doctors i've ever seen simply because he doesn't understand the difference between a headache and giddiness. STUPID STUPID doctor!!!

you know what his diagnosis was?

doc: all your symptoms are signs of tension. how long have you been working in this company? (5 months) are you very stressed? (alright, i can handle)

i've never never heard in all my being that body aches, and headache/giddiness are signs of tension and stress. like come on. *lolx

its more of like a coming fever/flu/gastric flu/cold or something to the likes you know? pure stupidity.

and anyway, after his wonderful diagnosis and medication, i'm still not feeling that well. my body is still aching, though not at bad as yesterday, i can still feel the sore. and my headache, it doesn't seem to go away even though i've taken my medicine. oh i know, lousy doctor = lousy medicine.

if i'm still feeling achy and sore all over my body tomorrow, i will see a doc and take another day's MC.

| Seriously |

what do i wanna talk about? i just want to rant.

its extreme bad-hair day today and the fact that i'm feeling giddy and my body feels weird is so not helping.

i'm upset that ever since i worked here, being sick, taking MC and even taking my well-deserved annual leave are so restricted. you know why? because my parents and my fiance think i should take this job seriously.

i'd like to ask them really, exactly in which area am i not taking this job seriously?

is being sick wrong? is having a weak body constitution any choice of mine? i'm just not that healthy as i used to be alright. yes in the past, i got sick like what, once a year? that was in my teenage years by the way. then when i stepped into the working society full-time after my graduation, its air-con everyday. then i got sick often. and now that i've switched jobs, i get sick even more often.

like now.

i'm SO unwell.

and nobody believes me. even my closest and dearest fiance did not believe me last night. he thought i was kidding around.

WTH?!

| Untitled |

so i finally changed my blogskin into something that's more alive, at least its got more vibrant colors now.

colors do play a part don't they?

anyway, to all my friends out there. thank you. you guys made me feel this blog is still read by people like you who care for me. =)

i'm fine, we're fine.

no doubt it was a bad quarrel. but it was a quarrel so bad that i got violent. it was a quarrel so bad that he wanted to abandon it all.

i dunno.

i'm feeling like super paranoid and negative now and his mother's words are starting to flash back. she went to a fortune teller and this is what the fortune teller said: that he would run into tao hua jie at the ages of 28 and 30, and both with rich women.
(tao hua jie in english means "unlucky love" encounters or something to the likes)

i'm devastated.

*sigh

you see that's the reason why God doesn't encourage us to have our fortune told, even if whatever we heard were untrue, our constant fear and thoughts about it would actually turn it into self-fulfilling prophesy.

anyway.

my big sis and kor left for aussie last friday and in order not to cry, i decided not to blog about it until now. it was ok. i figured we're getting stronger and getting used to the fact that she has to go and come back and go and come back. but like i said, this time when she comes back, she'll be getting married and that alone is enough to take away all those sadness. hmmm.

| Taken for Granted? |

must all good things come to an end?

i think.

we're almost reaching the end because neither of us are willing to work things out anymore. its been too many times i guess. the monotony kills it all.

blogging is better, i can pour out my soul and no one will stop me at that point of time. i can type and no one will argue with me. perhaps they will later, but not when i'm typing. they can judge me, but that's also later. therefore i feel blogging is the purest form of my honesty.

you said i took you for granted, that you dun feel special anymore. has it ever occured to you that maybe you're starting to feel this way because of your brother's sex slave where everything is total submission, everything is yes yes. your brother wants something and she gets it done for him because she's so free and she doesn't have to work. he wants pleasure, and she gives it to him. maybe you should learn from your brother and get a girl from there, i think they will make perfect wives.
and let me tell you, singapore girls AREN'T like that. we are not the nice cuddly kittens you wish us to be because we are CAPABLE and we are ABLE to earn as much as you can now.

talk about equality.

you're jealous and unhappy because i dun give you sex. face it, you're a guy and you have your urges and the what-nots. and i also told you time and time again, i'm sorrie, we'll only consumate our marriage on our wedding night.

so dun compare.

take you for granted. so you know how it feels now? this is how you've been treating me. the whole world thinks you're the best boyfriend anyone can have, they think i'm the bad mean one in the relationship.

issit true? ask yourself.
this links to the S.U.R.P.R.I.S.E. issue again.

if only you had put it more effort in making me feel special, i would too. i've done up countless of surprises for you, and on some occasions, you were so thrilled and so happy. i wish i could feel that way too, but no, you just dun pay enough attention to me. so after awhile, i just feel, nah what's the point?

so now, let me ask you again, who's taking who for granted?

you're sick and i dun care.

i was sick too, but i still woke up early and dragged my ass to work every single morning.
did you care?

i was sick and yet you still went dim sum buffet with your brotherhood and left me to rot at home.
so let me ask you again, did you care?

what's the big deal in getting sick?!
to me, its nothing anymore.

besides, your wisdom teeth operation today is gonna give you MC for at least the next 5 days, so please, dun tell me i dun care. obviously you were just sore that you had to get up early despite feeling unwell and walk me to the busstop.

you said you've had enough of this kinda life, you said enough is enough.

remember what i said to you the very first day we got together almost 5 years ago?
if ever you've had enough, tell me.
i won't ask for a reason, i'll let you go.
so dun say i'm itching for a break-up.

if you've decided enough is enough, so be it. i'm very tired too.

| Christmas Heart |

::my christmas prezzie which i forgot to post::

| A Long Time Ago... |

V-day celebration went on as planned except that the winds were too strong and the cats were disturbing and the couples that went into the mangroves in the dark came out adjusting their clothes and hair (hmmmm..???).

that aside, can i pour out my feelings now?

i figured things do turn dull between a couple when you've been together for a long time. its like we're practically an old couple already considering its our 4th v-day together (we got together after v-day in 2001 therefore its the 4th one now).

the first was sweet.
the second was surprising.
the third was a novelty.
and now the fourth, its something new i guess but we've done it before.
what i'd really wanted was a S.U.R.P.R.I.S.E.

thank you for your breakfast this morning, it was lovely.

are my expectations too high?

did army really zap all your creativity, energy and novelty away?

i'm not asking for flowers because obviously they're way too expensive after serious commercializing.
i'm not even asking for fine dining.
all i'm asking for is a lil surprise, not after i complained to you the night before and then you wake up so early to make breakfast for me which by the way, i'm very appreciative of, i am.

and why issit that your guy pals can actually call you up to ask for ideas and you can give them a million and one ideas but to your own girlfriend, you can't even come up with a simple surprise???

it was most heart-wretching at the end of the day that the only thing you created especially for me was the luminious candlelights.

i have this thing against the luminious lightsticks that you used to create the effect. i do. remember changi village hotel? i freaked out and i told you i was afraid of it, i still am. so please, dun ever do anything with the luminious thingy ok?

*sigh

am i asking for too much or are you simply taking me for granted?

no doubt v-day has been way commercialized that i sometimes dun even feel like celebrating it. but regardless of whether or not its v-day, you haven't given me a surprise for a very long time.

i know i ain't very creative myself which is why even though i dun hand-make stuff for you, i try to get you things/prezzies that you least expect me to get.
how come you're not like that anymore? i'm not worth the effort anymore?

when was the last time you gave me flowers?
when was the last time you surprised me?
when was the last time you got me something i mentioned in passing that i liked it?

yes i said to you before to only get things that i want/like. but because you dun pay attention to me anymore, you dun listen, you dunno what i want/like and thus you dun get anything for me.

instead i'll have to ask, "dear, get this for me for my birthday/v-day/christmas/anniversary?" and then you get it.

what's the point?

i rest my case.

| Dirty Old Man |

ok so for the fat guy who pissed me off big time yesterday.

he's got like this senior position here in my company and he thinks he's big shit. well yeah, in a sarcastic sense, he is. *evil laughter

all along he's been rather friendly to me, and as far as i'm concerned, i attach an 'Uncle' together with his name whenever i call him because i know he's rather debauch. it also serves to remind him everytime i call him 'uncle' that he is far too old for me and i'll never never betray myself or my chastity for money or status.

he's cheeky in a dirty sense. only just got married at an old age of say about 40? his wife is from china, and somehow, i think she got forced to marry him or something. he's real fat, like a ball, with a huge stomach. and when he carries his backpack, he looks like an old tortoise. his wife is young and pretty and i dunno why on earth did she ever marry him. like i said, she was probably forced into marrying him or something. i also heard from colleagues that his wife often brings home men and he doesn't give a hoot because he's just probably too afraid his wife would leave him. they have a young daughter, about 3-4 years old, she's a doll i must say.

enough background information about him.

so yesterday my fiance was on MC because he was feeling weird in his tummy, it keeps getting bloated every now and then, so he decided to seek professional advice and thus it also came with an MC.

so he came down to lunch with me yesterday and many people saw us together. the fat guy was on the other table and it didn't occur to me to introduce. so we got food and ate and dear accompanied me for the hours' break. then he left when i had to get back to work.

after lunch, i went up to the GM's office to do some binding and laminating. the GM's personal assistant (PA) was there and we were chatting. then the fat guy seemed to know where i was and came up to delibrately provoke me.

for the convenient of your reading and my typing this entry down, i will name the fat guy 'fats' since he's got so much of it anyway, and obviously yours truly will be 'me.

fats: your boyfriend today got no army ar?
me: nope, he's sick, on mc.
fats: oh mc can anyhow go out one ar?
me: why cannot? you mean if you're sick and on mc you don't have to eat meh?
fats: *speechless. later i go call MP and catch him.
me: for what? on mc means cannot go out and eat one meh? must eat at home or downstairs the house huh? then assumingly he don't fancy the food downstairs, he come here and eat, its also wrong huh?
fats: *speechless yet again and decides to turn soft now. oh no lah, last time our time army very strict one leh. if you on mc and the MP calls your house and you're not home, they will come and catch you immediately.
me: *thinking in my head. there's a reason why that was in the past. even the army would have thought that was a dumb thing to do and thus have obsoleted that practice and here you are still talking about it? come on. wake up, we're living in the present.
me: oohhh...

end.

no i was SO wrong. when i was done with my binding, i went downstairs the counter to take some stuff from my colleague and there, like a ghost, he appeared in front of me again. ignoring his presence, my colleague and i were talking about something and we burst out laughing.
then the following conversation took place.

fats: your laughter is horrible!
me: oh, if it displeases you, you can leave.
fats: i think you got it wrong. you should be the one disappearing in front of me, not the other way round.
me: ha! you're the one finding it a nuisance, not me or anyone here, i think you should be the one to leave.

knowing he obviously can't get me to leave, he harped on the topic of laughter in hope of provoking me further.

fats: your laughter to me is a form of pollution, you know like they say noise pollution.
me: then just leave lor!

speechless and obviously unhappy that he lost, keeps quiet and talks about something else.

fats: eh your boyfriend reach home already ar?
me: of course he's reached home already, its been so long.
fats: oh yah i was just worried about him getting home safely. you said he's sick what, i scared he too giddy walk halfway he fall into the drain. *he laughs and then somemore tomorrow is valentine's day, you wouldn't want to spend your candlelight dinner with him at the hospital with his head wrapped up right? *laughs viciously
me: oh thanks for your concern. he reached home a long long time ago. whatever you just said is so not gonna happen lor.

everyone ignores him and he walks away.

can you believe the nerve of that fat ass?! he's like so jealous that my boyfriend came down despite being sick to have lunch with me.

i heard from the PA saying there was once, an office girl wanted to pass a document to him, but he wasn't around so she put it under his door. when he got back and saw the document, he called her to his office and scolded her till she cried. among the words exchanged, he said sometthing like, "you dun think just because you're boyfriend's working here you can behave like that!". i'm thinking, you're obviously so sore about people in relationships especially in your office, you're jealous and therefore you abuse your authority just to hurt people.

he's so perverse. if you're capable enough, get yourself a local wife, the kind who are young, pretty, have education and are able enough to work for themselves. and not like your present wife who only brings men home to dunno do what nonsense behind your back and you dun even say a word.

clearly, the above conversation that took place was a case of personal attack on me because he's so sore that he'll never have this kind of love and doting and attention and therefore he hurls abusive remarks to hurt people.

my boyfriend came down, during my lunch-time, to have lunch with me, not during my work time, nothing to do with work. jealous, outrage and thinking how come you never have people loving you this much to do this for you?

let me enlighten you, that's because you're PATHETIC. and you'll always just be this PATHETIC. and another 10 years down the road, dun even think of a promotion, you'll be lucky enough if you dun get retrenched or fired looking at your attitude. even the GM and manager, my boss, doesn't have a very good impression of you. lazy and irresponsible, i wonder how you even climbed this high up in the first place. you only have a freaking diploma. the next guy who's holding a degree, or even an honours is so gonna climb above you or at least to be on par with you. just give him another year or so, and by then, you'll be sorry you were ever this nasty to pple around you.

watch me, i'm not afraid of you fat ass. i've had experience with another before and this time round, i've learnt to be smarter.

dun provoke me, and i won't bite.
provoke me, and i'll never let you rest.

| Feelings |

before i go into details of the person who pissed me off big time yesterday, i just want to say i have a warm sad fuzzy feeling right now.

forwarded V-day messages to my friends and also to my ex-boss and he replied, he actually replied, and that is what's making me feel the way i do now.

i think i'm far too emotional for this cruel world because i'm perhaps the only fool who feels this way. i just cannot simply forget or close my heart to people who have been in my life, who's played a part in the way that i am today.

i've been wanting to visit them.
in all honesty, i do miss them, miss the place, miss the happy and sad and busy and crazy late-nights there. miss the noisy aunties and miss the boring seminars and miss the loud marketing director. miss the product talks where i can almost memorise the benefits of eating and using the products, miss everything about there. i even miss the cleaning lady there.

but dear has been telling me to forget it all. because that was the place and perhaps the reason why i almost left him.

partly.

but i guess i was solely to blame for most of that unhappy time. it was my choice, my indecisiveness, my weakness.

and i've been thinking how have they been. wondering if they hate me for acting so irrationally. and most importantly, i wonder how they would react if i ever went back to visit them.

its a new year, a new beginning. perhaps its really time to let it all go.

| Short Week |

i foresee a short week.

very unexpectedly, boss is on leave today. didn't know until i came in and checked my mailbox, heh =p so happy!
he'll be on leave next friday and monday, then following that on thursday and friday, and then also a half day the next friday. yesh, life is good!!!

dear is on mc today too, so he spent the night over at my place. he was sucha baby. and he says he'll come down to lunch with me, so sweet! *muack

me? will be on another half day this friday. its that stupid boy's wisdom teeth surgery and i reckoned he'll be in so much pain, i just have to be there to support him. its also dajie's flight back to aussie.
3 months just flew past like that. but looking on the bright side, my parents will be visiting her in the next 4-5 months' time, and when she returns for vacation this november, she'll be getting married!!! that's the only happy thought i guess.

oh and i'll talk about my weekend later in another post. got so much to say, about clubs and shopping and all.

later!

| What's Going On? |

i dun feel good.

just dun feel good.

i hate this time of the month where my hormones are just all so haywired making me feel real blue and depressed.

and i have completely no idea why i have such serious PMSes and cramps.

its bad.

i'm on half day leave tomorrow. yesh finally its my turn to leave the office at lunch time where everyone's going out for their lunch. duh!

and as you can read, i'm just ranting on big time because i just feel so inadequate and so depressed and so lousy and i just wanna type to make myself feel better.

i napped after i got home from work which is why i'm so alive now when usually i'll be already sleeping.

there's so many pple on my msn list but there's no one talking to me!!!

what's going on?!

dear was suppose to be out tonight for his bi-weekly nite's out. i know he had to stay in for some bazaar for the old folks' and he had to like feed them, take care of them and all that kinda stuff.
i know its meaningful and he must have felt like real happy making those old pple feel good but he was suppose to be OUT with me making me feel good because i dun feel good!!!

*hysterical screams

i'm going outta my mind!!!

why do i feel so bad like almost every single day. there's something wrong with me isn't it?

are these signs of old age? i suddenly feel so old you know.
like i'm gonna be real old real soon and i'm not married, with nothing accomplished to my name, i feel like sucha loser and man i am aimless in life!!!

what am i gonna do???

*frets

| V-Day Plan |

yay! i finally found something to do which will occupy my time for the rest of today and also for tomorrow morning before i go off at lunch time.

v-day is coming, i see how merchants of all sorts, in the marketplace and marketspace cashing in on every item possible. amazing. the wonder of marketing.

well and as for this v-day, dear and i have decided on something quieter as compared with the rest of our v-days together.

we're gonna have a lil bbq by the beach.

advantages of a sweet lil bbq:
1. cost-saving,
2. ultimate romance under the stars.
3. food prepared courtesy of yours truly of course. =p

with advantages like these, who wouldn't opt for this than some fancy restaurant?

as for our v-day gift to each other, it was long settled before CNY. its a couple watch from Guess and it was quite a task trying to get that pair i tell you.

will post a pic of it soon when i have the time to take a nice one.

the watch is cool, unlike other watches. and though we already have a couple watch, this one is special because at least i know he'll wear.

*heh =p

oh and Happy Birthday Erjie!!!

| Type |

just let me type.

its not here yet. its playing tricks on me. it keeps giving false alarm.

at least my back isn't aching anymore, though i know i should be resting my backbone every now and then. i'm getting old.

boring day.

have you ever worked in some place and you know you ain't very useful, and risk retrenchment say if there were to be in the next 3 years?

i do.

and the fact that i have nothing to do really isn't that helpful.

maybe i should just count the days while i'm still here, before i get fired.

*lolx

that ain't impossible.

my parents will be late, they're coming to get me. we're celebrating sis' birthday @ some restaurant in east coast park. haven't been there in centuries, seriously.

we used to frequent that area because school was just round the corner. i had 10 years of my education in the east coast area as a convent IJ girl.

ok, maybe i'm paranoid. but the last i saw, it seemed to be here, though i can't be positive.

*sigh

| Overspent |

my credit card bills came and its making me highly depressed right now. where am i gonna find the money???

i way overspent.

and my parents are questioning my spending too. what have i done?

eat eat eat, if only i can stop eating so much.

70% of my bills were those of restaurants. damn!

and even chinese new year ang paos didn't help much. i'm screwed!

| Maybe not... |

managed to waste the day away just like that by running here and there pretending to run errands. heh =p

how sly.

BUT this trick always works i tell you.

when they gimme work, they flood me.
when they dun gimme work, there's nothing.

see how extreme these pple are?

enough said.

i'm going home!

| Grumbles |

can i just grumble?

i'm as bored as ever and i've been trying to find things to occupy my time but i'm still this bored. am i too fast or what? i finish whatever is given to me in the shortest time possible and i have nothing to do soon again.

i foresee myself gonna be blogging big time today, say about at least 3 posts?

i woke up with a sore eye today and i still came to work. it ain't that bad but it hurts here and there and its swollen! i'm feeling so drained and so tired, and my back is still aching. when will it stop?

i come to work everyday so sleepy and so tired, with a foul temper and all.

quick come!!!

so i can stop all these pms-es soon. its driving me insane!

oh and guess what?

my big sis is gonna get married real soon!!!

they're gonna register at the end of this year and gonna hold their wedding next june when she finishes her course.

how wonderful is that?
how exciting is that?
how perfect is that gonna be?

marrying the man who's always been there, who gave up his career just to go to aussie to take care of her, and who's been waiting for her.

aaawww like major sweet can?

*scatters

i have officially melted.

when will it be my turn?

its been 5 years already. i wonder how things would be like when its our turn to get married. i wonder if i'd still feel this fuzzy?

dun make me wait too long ok?

| Fast |

its about that time of the month and i'm starting to ache all over my body, especially my back. man i tell you, i'm feeling like an old granny. seriously.

and as usual, am grouchy, easily irritable and extremely fiesty.

some idiert stepped on my third toe and now its hurting big time, i can feel the sore whenever i walk and its so painful. idiotic.

have applied for half day leave this friday and next because i just need a break from this horrible office and all that concerns with it. ha, no lah, actually its because my sis will be flying off again.

its kinda sad really, and i'm starting to miss her again. because this winter, it'll be my parents visiting her, not me. perhaps next year it'll be my turn again?

we'll see.

time really flies and its scary to think about it sometimes. like why am i wasting my life away now instead of studying? to fulfill my materialism? hell no!

well but hopefully it'll be less than 8 months to hit the books again!

counting down: 2 more hours to knock-off!

| Big Boo-Boo |

sorrie, my mistake.

Chinese Valentine's Day is on the last day of Chinese New Year.

NOT today.

today is the 7th day of the chinese new year calender, and its also everyone's birthday (ren ri).

so big boo-boo.

*laughz

| Gone |

so he really went, and here i am, all alone in this house of mine.

today is the chinese valentine's day somemore, and i'm reduced to this pathetic state. unbelievable.

and my throat is still hurting, with thick green phlegm coming outta my nose every now and then.

does he care? obviously not.

why?

issit because we've been together for far too long time and therefore he's taking me for granted?

*sigh

i tried to be nice, i tried to understand. but i just cannot see why when he's brought me along before.

so selfish.

| Outburst |

i'm so angry i want to complain.

i'm mad with you for giving empty promises and spoiling my night and day and my plans. i'm mad at you for choosing brotherhood over love.

i hate it i hate it i hate it!

its not like as if i've never been out with you with your stupid brotherhood before and why only now all this talk about just spending time alone with them.

fine, go!

i'll find my own plans and dun blame me when you see me with the wrong kinda crowd. if you deem this as a threat, so be it. i couldn't care less anymore.

as the years come and go, there doesn't seem to be anything for me to look forward to anymore. studies, career, marriage, babies, nothing!

not saving, not scrimping, just spending spending spending. i said i'll give you another 5 years, if at the end of the next 5 years, you're still like you are now, i'll leave.

i'm so mad i'm throwing everything up on this blog and dun you dare stop me because i am this close to leaving you for good.

compare. you are ever so easily influenced by things and pple around you. you see your brother and his sex slave decorating up the room with all the nice ikea stuff and you want to revamp your room too. for what??? in another 3-5 years' time, we're probably gonna be happily married and we're definitely MOVING out. if that's not within your goal, i tell you now, START MAKING IT YOUR GOAL because i'm sick of just being your girlfriend. and so what if we're engaged, who recognises engagement these days? even your parents don't and keep introducing me to your relatives as "friend". after 5 years and i'm still just your friend. amazing.

she has a child from her previous bogus marriage because nobody can actually verify that and your parents still so readily accept her. its like the chinese saying where pple say you buy-big--free-small. and i thought they were getting married? when? if they really were to ROM, how come they are still decorating the room up? oh i forgot, she's not local and therefore have to put a $5,000 deposit as government security before she can get her PR, before they can get married where they'll have an official certificate saying we're free to f**k all day and all night long! they obviously have no intention whatsoever of moving out, yew that's so like my you-know-who.

just kill me!

and what about that lil gal back at home while her mother is here having the time of her life with her new stupid one-of-a-kok boyfriend? she has to go to school, yes we all know that. so who takes care of her? how come she can leave her daughter just like that, for an entire 2-3 weeks?! what sort of mother is she? come on. we all have eyes to see.

studies. you keep saying you want to study yet you don't have the support from your parents because you never bother sitting down and having a good talk with them!
i've wasted 2 years of my life out in this harsh society silencing all the shit just because i'm only a diploma holder, waiting for you to finish your service to the nation. sometimes i just need some assurance, some security just so i know my choice with you isn't wrong.

i spend because i can afford it. i'm earning at least twice your salary!

and did i mention last night to you that i dun feel good. i woke up with a sore throat like big time! did you even bother asking? no, not at all. and i still came to work because its the only way for me to spend the day!

ok, i'm right about done with my complaints.

i'm feeling much better now. and i dun care if this post will make pple hate me. as far as i'm concerned, the above are all my honest thoughts and opinions. and the last time i checked, i am still entitled to my freedom of speech as long as its on this web space of mine.

period.

| Coyote Ugly |

caught Coyote Ugly that chinese new year night and it brought back memories of how i loved the movie to bits and downloaded every single song on its soundtrack. one i particular song i loved, sad but i like. =)

and can someone tell me who i watched it with? i can't seem to have any memory of it!

Leann Rimes - Please Remember

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And you're left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time I had you with me
Though we go our seperate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
I'll never know again

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this heart was yours and mine
And how a dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I had you and you had me

Please remember, Please remember

| Shocked! |

ok, i've got this major shocking news to share but i've been advised to be real discreet about it so here i am, trying my very best. oh and children under 18 may not read further on.

i found something in someone's room, i stumbled upon it of course, not on purpose, and it totally grossed me out because it isn't something to be left lying around openly on a side table, especially when there are young children around the house!!!

like no wonder some pple are able to stay behind closed doors for a whole 12 hours without food or water, and you wonder, how can they survive? naturally, why didn't i think of that? that would be enough to keep them filled up and go on for hours. yew the thought of it grosses me out completely.

talk about being unwell, talk about being sick.
how lame.

so that's the reason why some men have to go all the way to neighbouring countries just to find women of that sort to bring back and do that kinda thing all day long. is pleasure really that important? where can i find a man who does not long and urge for such pleasure?

my dear boy perhaps. at least he's man enough to withstand for the past 5 years. and he will have to wait till our wedding night to consumate the marriage.

my point is:
real men should learn to keep their stick in their pants for crying out loud!

or maybe its the occult that these women deal with therefore spinning these men by their penis?

whatever.

come on. this is disgusting

i've concluded: men only want one thing from women - SEX.

| Year of the Dog |

watched the news last night which had this report on the Impulse Buying of puppies this year because of the zodiac year of the dog come this lunar new year.

pet shops have seen a double hike of sales and SPCA warns of impluse buying.

i fear for these pups. they're innocent, cuddly and cute.
but they are also ALOT of work and if they were purchased on impulse, they are surely gonna suffer in the long run.

the report also stated how rabbits were abandoned after the year of the Rabbit in 1999 and they totalled to about 600 over rabbits.

humans are sick. they are so perverse in their ways. they think that just because they are of a greater being that they can buy animals and then throw them away to the SPCA or let them run loose on the streets so that they become strays.

animals are warm-blooded creatures. they have a heart like you and i have, and they also yearn for love and attention. when you buy pets, give them a home, love and treat them well, then all of a sudden because you find they are 'too much work' or you simply cannot find the time to take care of them anymore, you send them to the SPCA or worse, just leave them on the streets knowing just how limited their intellect are. cruel.

please, everyone reading this blog of mine, kindly THINK before you purchase a pet, any pet.

like what the SPCA always say,

A PET IS FOR LIFE

already their life on earth is shorter than any of us, still in their brief existence in this lifetime, humans hurt them.
please, have a heart and discourage any one you know is just buying a dog on impulse because of the lunar new year.

| Can i? |

i'm fighting the zzz monster this very instance. as i'm typing this entry, my eyes are inevitably closing and i'm frantically nodding away.

how much longer can i bear this? and i still have to bake more pineapple tarts when i get home. can i take leave? i'm real tired. *screams

still have to wash the toilet, kitchen and also bake more kuey.

i need to take the day off tomorrow.

me: boss, do you need me around tomorrow even though you have meetings for the entire morning and 2 scheduled interviewees in the afternoon? i was thinking of taking the day off.

boss: no, its too last minute already.

me: WHAT?! *makes face and walks away cursing and swearing

haha! will that happen? *lolx
i'm so paranoid and so worried this might happen. *tsk

| Baking |

what an incredibly boring day today at work. with no one to chat with me and not much work to be done, argh!

this feels so redundent. this feels so miserable and this feels so empty.

why why why???

i'm so sleepy and so tired despite the wonderful rest i had at dear's house last night.
how come?

my parents are coming to get me for dinner, yesh! i can't wait i can'twait!!!

oh and i'll be confined @ home tonight to bake pineapple tarts.
bake and bake and bake. sianz...

| Memoirs of a Geisha |

caught Memoirs of a Geisha last night, and because of that, i'm terribly interested in reading the book.

the movie was good though i've heard lousy critics about it.

a thick novel shortened into a 2-hour movie, how much can you expect? just like Pride and Prejudice, a world classic filmed into a movie, many details were missed, but just the gist of the story was enough to captivate the viewers. besides, it was brilliantly filmed, alot of details were lavished and exaggerated, and i like classic, olden movies like that.

but until now, its still a mystery to me. geisha. the art of becoming one. its like a top-class, expensive prostitute if you ask me. though you don't sleep with every men out there of course. your virginity is bidded in an auction where you'd have to sleep with the highest bidder. how primitive is that?
maybe its because of the sexual scenes in the movie that were particularly crude and i found it pretty gross which is the reason for my judgement. especially the part where 'Mother' tested if Hatsumomo was having sex by feeling her virgina and playing with the discharge on her hand, yew like major gross!!!

and no love. its like the most painful of all.
only half-wives, wives of the night.
well, but at least those really good ones manage to find themselves a 'danna' that they love or have feelings for and then, being their geisha ain't that bad.

ay, such was the life of a geisha, though i can understand and accept that its probably like their culture or tradition.

anyway, i do adore those eyes of hers, they're pretty!

| Cool |

Cool - Gwen Stefani

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
I know i'm cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain
Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown,
oh We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know i'm cool
I know i'm cool
Yeah, I know i'm cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know i'm cool
I know i'm cool

C-cool, I know we're cool
I know i'm cool

never knew the lyrics to this song until i heard it on radio that day which prompted me to search for it. its even my mobile ringtone and i dun even know the meaning to the song!

anyway, its a sad song.

how do pple do that? fall in love, start on a relationship, stay on it for a couple of months or years, and then because of some minor thing that they refuse to work it out together, they break up. and then find someone new.

in any kinda relationship, it ain't easy. you need time and patience to build and nurture it so it becomes stronger over time and then it'll be tough when it stands against any tests or trials.

back to the song.
then in a few years down the road, they finally marry and then are happy or unhappy and then they meet their old love and they have thoughts like these.

what's the point? its over. nothing to reminisce. nothing to remember, and nothing to feel sad or happy about "oh you found someone new!".

i dunno lah. young pple nowadays. now i'm starting to feel old.

| Footwear |

as part of the spring-cleaning fever, i have thrown away at least 20 pairs of footwear.

and within a span of 2 days, i bought another 4 more pairs of footwear.

thus i currently have about slightly more than 30 surviving pairs in the rack.

how's that for women's shoes?

and not to mention the amount of clothes and handbags i have in the wardrobe! *tsk

| Sleepy |

ok, about the final hour to go before knock-off time.

i've stoned, tried taking a lil nap, put toothpicks between my eyes, pinch myself, kept thinking of ways to keep myself awake but i just can't help it,

I WANNA SLEEP!!!

been surfing around and reading blogs, and i wonder to myself, why on earth am i writing an online diary and letting the entire world judge me?

sometimes it makes no sense and i dunno why i do it.

i think i'm crazy.

| *yawnz |

*yawnz

3.5 hours more to go before i end the day at work.

*yawnz

my boss came back for a lil while and gave me the shock of my life. i was so not expecting to see him here after he's been scheduled a whole lot of meetings for today.

that aside, i'm glad he's gone for the day, that means freedom!

*yawnz

i am so sleepy you have no idea. 3.5 more hours to go before i go home. you see, and all i can hear myself saying is the same old things.

i wanna go home and fall on my nice comfortable bed.

*yawnz

| Ramblings |

finally have time on my hands to blog everything i haven't been able to the last 2 days. work has been crazy and i feel increasingly tired of my job, what i do and how things are between my boss and i. not that its bad or anything like that, just that i feel after working with him for so long, i am still unable to grasp the sort of character he is and how he likes his stuff to be done. when i was still with my previous boss, we had good synery, if you will. and it was alot easier to do things for him than for this current one. maybe because this current one is alot younger, *sigh i dunno...we'll see how things go and hopefully things will turn out fine.

last night was crazy. met up with the girls and a guy and we danced the night away @ club momo. not exactly the most happening place if you've been there before. but it was ladies' night and it was free house pours so heck it, we still went. initially the r&b music started out fine, then it switched to house (i think) and it was horrible. then towards the end of the night they started spinning better r&b tracks, but still not my kinda standard. should have gone to zouk with their all-famous retro night instead. but only thing is, no free-flow of drinks, heh. =p slept at 4am and i had to get up 2 hours later and here i am at work now. i'm the world sleepiest thing and i dun care if there's no such word.

its a good thing my boss will be away the entire day, he's got 3 meetings and won't be back for the day. *yippie but there's gonna be a meeting tomorrow morning and i'm kinda dreading it. i mean, who likes attending meetings?

anyway, i'll be leaving earlier tomorrow, got time-off to claim, and yes the weekends are just around the corner, i can smell it. i really need to sleep and yes, spring-cleaning too. see that's about the only reason why i like chinese new year so much. it forces you to spring-clean the entire year of dirt and dust so that everything looks alot cleaner, neater and happier. but of cos, they only last for 2 weeks max and then its back to square one. beats nothing i guess.

hmmm something the girls said last night started me thinking about why some guys are incredibly nice to me. ok, no names here. but remember the old chap back then where he was the reason for my fiance's and mine rocky relationship? and also this guy friend of mine who came along last night. for the latter, i can't say he was the nicest to me, but for the former, he definitely was and always went out of his way to help me do stuff and made me feel special. you know the kind that makes you feel and think "OMG he's trying to hit on me!"?
yeah so you get the picture. i dunno, but there must be something about me that makes these guys do stuff like that. not because they're attracted to me, but rather, they're more obliged or so to take such good care of me. why? am i, to these guys, or guys in general, a damsel in distress and therefore need "men" like them to support me to be the girl or woman that i originally was? again i dunno. but sometimes i wonder and i think, why? and to be completely honest, i haven't been the nicest to them for them to be this nice to me, it kinda makes me feel bad sometimes. so the point i'm trying to make it, i dun deserve such princess-like treatments from guy friends except of cos my own fiance.

so hear this, GUYS out there, its ok to be nice to girls, but its NOT ok to be overly nice. because you are, unfortunately, sending out the wrong signals. and girls being girls, would, inevitably start imagining nonsense in their heads which is not very healthy especially if the girl is already attached, you see? lucky for me, i know my friend pretty well and know that he's just being nice because my fiance isn't around, and somehow its like his duty to take care of me. but think about it, if i were unattached or am another girl, how would she feel?

its no wonder sometimes my fiance can't help but feel jealous and i dun blame him. i would be too if i were in his shoes.

and the bottomline is, though the temptation is great out there, you know you're still my number one and i love you still dear!

| Lousy |

i'm feeling really lousy right now.

screwed up a couple of times at work today and i dunno why. *sigh

well but i'm glad its all over and tomorrow will be a better day.

| Accomplished Weekend |

last weekend was the most fulfilling, especially on saturday. done so much stuff on that day that when we got home at the end of the day, both the heels of my feet were aching big time!

1. first, had lunch @ sizzler with my girlfriends and it was good catch-up. looking back, it had already been 5-6 years. how time flies, and we're all doing different things, am studying or are going to pursue different courses @ different universities. stuffed ourselves silly with the free-flow salad bar, ice-cream, soup and since then, i'd been having tummy upset. =p

2. dear came to meet me and we started our massive shopping. walked around for my wall clock and finally found one really cute one from Happy House, my favourite shop. the color matches my room and i love it!


::see?::

3. also managed to get for a new wallet because my old Mango one gave way.

4. got a new eyebrow powder thingy instead of a pencil from Body Shop. pretty cool i think, though i'm still trying to get used to the color and the brush.

5. then some miscallaneous neccessities here and there.

no clothes though, just stuff that i needed to get.

level of satisfaction: high
because no clothes and no wants were spent on!

| Studies |

i just got to work and i don't feel good, physically and emotionally.

studying. its what's been keeping me going for the last one year plus since dear went into army and had to serve 2 years. and all these while i've been waiting for him, just so we could go study together, whether locally or overseas.

the idea of course came from my father who has 2 rules before we can be married off:
1. finish your degree
2. and get our car license

we're not exactly pursuing our studies because his rules, but rather, we want to do it for ourselves and for our future.

at first we were looking at local unis and also institutions that carry recognised overseas degrees, we've even decided on a few.

but all of a sudden, dad insisted that i must go to aussie itself to experience life and study there. ok, perhaps not all of a sudden, he's always had the intention for the 3 of us to all go abroad for our studies, but his intention became alot stronger and it was hard. we've had our reservations and doubts, we worried and fretted about it, and after a long while, finally came to terms with the fact that yeah, going abroad may not be a bad idea after all.

so we're all settled, more or less, on a university.
and now suddenly, she tells me because i haven't been saving, and i haven't changed from my spendful nature at all, therefore it is unwise of me to want to go aussie to study.

a whole lot of the reason why we were able to accept studying overseas was her encouragement, her persuasion and her telling us how wonderful, how this and how that studying there was.

i feel so horrible now, i feel so lost. i feel so cheated and betrayed, like i just got stabbed in the back or something.

what's wrong with pampering oneself after every 6 months? if she was referring to our lil getaway to sentosa, it was also because my parents refused to let us go for a short trip to the neighbouring countries, and we halved it, it wasn't much to begin with.

how much i earn now, as compared to her while she was still teaching is alot lesser. she was drawing a 2K figure and me? she had more than 3 years to save up for her studies, while me? just graduated and settling down, then resigned, bummed around for awhile before finding another job. i need to settle down first too, how can you expect me to save x amount of money in sucha short time?! its ridiculous!

anyhow, with determination, we'll still get ourselves a legitimate degree from a recognised university.

| Our LiL Getaway @ Rasa Sentosa |

finally, the long-awaited rasa sentosa pictures are out!

ok, let's just type this down for memory sake.

this lil getaway happened only outta frustration that my parents refused, after a series of begs and pleas, to let their baby girl outta the country with her only love. so, we figured, the furthest we could have gotten was to the neighbouring islands, hence the prime choice of sentosa.

we probably could have gotten a cheaper alternative at the costa sands chalets there, but since we were gonna be there, we decided to give ourselves a lil treat as a reward and encouragement of the previous year.


::in the bus on the way to sentosa; got a lil pissed at my dear for something i can't even remember anymore =p::


::our lil house for the next 2 days::


::ooo the nice BIG bed::


::another view of the BIG bed::


::my turn ON the BIG bed *laughz::


::the balcony where we would have sat and watched the stars if not for the rainy season::


::our view from the balcony::


::the nice and "open" toilet::


::around the beach by the hotel::


::i like this picture, its sweet =)::


::i like this picture even more cos its sweeter::


::@ the lobby of the 11th storey where we stayed::


::posing by our balcony; i decided to still put this picture up after all even though my love would frown upon seeing it. dear i wanna be able to admire myself 20 years down the road ok? =p::


::just before going for a dip in the blue blue beach and pool::


::and after we got outta the cold cold waters *shivers::

we headed down to the Luge where we had this incredibly fast downhill ride ever! it was cool and fun, trust me.
but if you have problems sitting on 3 pieces of metal with nothing supporting your feet but yourself hanging 50 feet in the air, DUN try this ride!


::just started out and all smiles::

p.s you won't find any pictures of an unglam yours truly being caught on camera. hmmm but try my love' s blog and you might find it. *tsk


::still telling myself to be brave, can you see what's behind or around us?::

anyway, it was one hell of a ride. well worth the $8.


::after a not-so-good night's rest but still giving my sunshine smile::


::and this fre-roaming peacock that just wouldn't leave me alone! he came real close to me and started pecking around, for a moment, i almost thought he was gonna peck me to death!::

then the last few shots before we headed back to mainland...


::the children's pool and slide where i really regretted not trying out *pouts::


::by the fountain that was outside of the hotel's main lobby::


::and a pic for keep-sake that we were @ siloso beach::


::and lastly, it was goodbye sentosa!::

we'll definitely head back, say a few years down the road? heh =p

| Service |

just read some stuff which made me realise so many things which i have so blatantly forgotten - my purpose as a Christian.

to serve, to love, to witness.

serve the Lord with all the talents He has so generously bestowed upon us.
i used to think God never gave me talents, but as i grew older, i realised it was more that i hadn't discovered them yet. and so now i realise, i must do something about it or i wouldn't be accountable to God when i see Him.

love thy neighbour, love thy enemies, love those who hate you. the very essence of love = forgiveness.

salt and light of the world to always stand out of the crowd, not conforming to the world but to only to the ways of the Lord.

and to always be in His service...

| The Sun Refuse to Shine |

it's late again! i don't understand why.

so cold, its been raining and raining non stop, why won't the sun shine anymore?
i miss the sun!!!

because the sun refuse to shine, my clothes STINK big time! and we've got no dryer.

*sigh

say, should we invest in a dryer especially for seasons like these when the monsoon comes?

BUT the sun is FREE!!!

and i will upload the pictures of Rasa Sentosa soon.

| Dress Personality Quiz |

Your Results

Your Dress Personality: Girly

• Your Personality

You're the romantic princess in the truest sense, believing in true love and human kindness. You are ladylike yet girly at the same time, and your sweet and innocent nature makes you very charming in your own gentle ways. Topped with your kawaii (cute) looks, you are almost angelic.

• Your Dress Style

Your favorite colors are pastels, especially pink and baby blue. You are in love with anything and everything sweet and feminine: flowy dresses, floral prints, bohemian skirts and everything reminiscent of your girly childhood.

Take the What's Your Dress Personality? Quiz @ ShoppingLifeStyle

| Complaints |

ok i have many things to complain about today.

went for my teacher's wake on monday night @ st joseph's church and the turnout was awesome. it was like some kinda gathering cum meet-up session than a funeral prayer service. and some were even dressed to the nines, with colorful clothes at that, and with thick load of make-up.

then of course it was most unfortunate that i had to meet some of my classmates back then who were real nasty and who are still, after 5-6 years, nasty.

these bunch of girls, are not the typical KC gals you'd find along the streets of orchard road or along any famous clubs/pubs. rather, they are the studious kind and who think they know best about everything and everyone. its amazing the way the gaze at you and the next just turn around and gossip right in your face, softly of course and still pretend to be nice and go like "hi!". these gals have no balls.

and they looked so much older now, alot more haggard than any of us even though they were in casual jeans and tops. even we had light make-up on, most of us still looked better than any of them anytime.

you see, its called karma. its what goes around that comes back around. you gossip, criticise and talk bad about pple non-stop all day long and this is the kinda result you get.
they were seriously cao lau.

so they spoiled the nice catch-up i was having with my favourite biology teacher. she's a real nice teacher who really made the human body interesting in her way special way. and because of her, i scored an A2 for my 'o' levels. nah, it ain't my intention to hao lian, but see i just want to make a point that she's a real inspiration.

that aside.

i wanna complain about the engineer in my company too. have i talked about him before on my blog? i have no recollection at all. anyway, like me, he juz joined the company last year and had been here barely a year. like me, he and i report to the same boss.

but he's always coming up to look for my boss for i dunno what reasons, and its amazing how he comes up every single day without fail to ask my boss some supposedly "brillant" questions or to have some "intelligent"discussion with him.

*argh

and initially when i was here, he tried making me do stuff for him even though i only take orders from my boss. and when i mentioned my boss' name, his balls would strink. i mean like come on, wait till you promote to a more senior rank with your degree from NTU, i don't see why i should help or do things for you when you can jolly well do it yourself. and like please, i'm not gonna be here forever, i'm not even gonna be here for 2 years. its max a year and i'll be off to becoming a student again.

ok, so what i was trying to get at was, i need to get some reports from my boss' office and he's in there AGAIN!!! which is why i'm so frustrated, and here typing my anger away.

everything aside. will be posting up our lil rendevous @ rase sentosa soon yah. =)

| End of Another Life |

one of my KC teacher passed away.

we're attending the church prayer sevice @ st joseph's tonight.

the whole bunch of us from KC whom she used to teach are going.

even my mother knew her. she's taught my mother before too. that's how far the KC culture dates back.

she was the school's discipline mistress at the time i was still in school.

she used to teach me literature, and was the reason why i flopped pretty badly when she took over from the other teacher.

but still she was nice. she had her own way of teaching, her own method and i guess i just couldn't quite follow.

again what's the use of saying all these? men still has to die. and who's going to remember you for the contributions you've made while you were alive?

i sound so cynical i know.

but am just wondering, how will the outcome of my funeral be when its my turn to go?

| New Year |

its a new year with a good and bad start.

spent the new year in church with dear, big sis and kor, sending the old year away silently.

it was a renewed covenant with God, and i pray we'll fulfill what we set out to do.

resolution for 2006 (though i'm a lil late):
1) curb my temper
2) spend MORE time with my family
3) spend LESS
4) read once through the Bible
5) service to the Lord
6) involvement in cell
7) find new ways to romance with my love

and my parents are finally back!

| A Barbie |

people say i look like a Barbie Doll.
*laughz
do you think so? heh =p

anyway, its early new year for me because my boss left earlier this afternoon and is not coming back for the rest of the day, and he's gonna be on leave and will only return on thursday, while i, will be on leave on friday because its our lil getaway!!!

so exciting! its the first time we're gonna be at such a posh hotel (besides Conrad which is more business-formal kinda posh), hee i'm all excited!

oh and i woke up thinking about the last movie we watched, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. i think the movie was very brilliantly made and i really don't mind watching it again. *hints
and my favourite quote that Mr. Darcy said that just totally melted my heart when he said it to Elizabeth Bennet.

"If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever." - Mr. Darcy's second proposal to Elizabeth and this time round, things have changed and so have her answer.

so touching right? oh my!

and have i announced this movie to be MY best movie of 2005? it is.

*laughz

| Innovation Adoption Curve |

you see, my boss asked me to type out a business plan for him today. he said i could input whatever i thought was appropriate. so whilst i was doing up the business plan, i thought of the Innovation Adoption Curve, or Temasek Poly Marketing students would know it better as Diffusion of Innovations Theory.

2 years since i left school and i had to do some research on it before i could remember what was it all about. *tsk and here are my findings.



The Innovation Adoption Curve of Rogers is a model that classifies adopters of innovations into various categories, based on the idea that certain individuals are inevitably more open to adaptation than others. Is also referred to as Multi-Step Flow Theory or Diffusion of Innovations Theory.

Innovators
Brave people, puling the change. Innovators are very important communication.

Early Adopters
Respectable people, opinion leaders, try out new ideas, but in a careful way.

Early Majority
Thoughtful people, careful but accepting change more quickly than the average.

Late Majority
Skeptic people, will use new ideas or products only when the majority is using it.

Laggards
Traditional people, caring for the "old ways", are critical towards new ideas and will only accept it if the new idea has become mainstream or even tradition.

The diffusion of innovations curve (innovation adoption curve) of Rogers is useful to remember that trying to quickly and massively convince the mass of a new controversial idea is useless.

It makes more sense in these circumstances to start with convincing innovators and early adopters first. Also the categories and percentages can be used as a first draft to estimate target groups for communication purposes.

Diffusion research focus was on five elements:
1) The characteristics of an innovation which may influence its adoption;
2) The decision-making process that occurs when individuals consider adopting a new idea, product or practice;
3) The characteristics of individuals that make them likely to adopt an innovation;
4) The consequences for individuals and society of adopting an innovation; and
5) Communication channels used in the adoption process.

*the above is taken from this site

| Christmas Dinner 2005 |

we were @ Angus Steak House for our Christmas Dinner and it was absolutely lovely. =)


::dear's main course, it was succulent and he loved it::


::my FAVOURITE oysters baked with ham and this special sauce that makes it the ONLY oyster i'll ever eat *yumz::


::our Christmas dessert::


::when i'm about to start on my food, dear insisted on a shot::


::right before we left the place::

it was freaking pricey but it was damn good. well worth it i must say!
---------------------------------------------
and on Christmas Day, we were @ church and there was a lil performance by the lil ones from the Agape Sunday school kids.


::the lil ones::

::ourselves on the way to get some last minute gifts =p::

and sermon talked about Christmas being 3G:
1. Glory - Christ's birth was a glorious event in history and every single day, we should give Him glory, praise and thanks for saving us.
2. Gladness - and when He came into the world, there were choirs of angels singing and glorifying Him, therefore we should also follow suit and have gladness in our hearts as Christmas is here.
3. Good News - His birth was good news to all because He came to sacrifice His life, so that we may all be saved and live with the Father in eternity.

| Monotony |

slightly more than 20 minutes before knock-off time and my boss had already left for the day, which is why i'm here blogging away.

today was a pretty free day, also a slow one for me. i had to fight the zzz monster BIG time because every now and then i'd feel my bed calling out for me.

doesn't time fly? just a couple of days back and there was the big-hoo-haa about Christmas, shopping and partying, and now, its all quieten down. and in a couple more days time would be the end of 2005 where we'd usher in the new year 2006. and then before anything happens, before you've even have time to take a breather, CNY is on its way too. my, what a stressful time we have here.

i still wanna go clubbing, haven't had my fair share of dancing because the time i was at the Ministry was most unsatisfying.

that aside, i'm terribly looking forward for our lil getaway @ sentosa. you know sometimes i feel the monotony of life and how it all goes by a standard routine everyday. don't you feel the same? i wanna be free, wanna be where there are no boundaries, no limits.

okok, enough crap. while i still have time, i'm gonna try to do up the rest of my skin.

| HomeSick? |

i think i miss daddy and mommy, i wish they could come home soon. it feels funny even though i'm old enough to take care of myself, i still miss them.

changed my blog skin at work just now, nice huh? already someone had commented and its made my day. =)

ok, 2 more hours to go before i need to fly home to walk my pup.

| Sexy Name |

just for fun =p

| After Thoughts About... |

Ministry of Sound:
1. nice decor, cool place, big with many private rooms. cosy toilet too with seats for you to touch up.
2. but music sucked, at least not to my liking.

Hooters:
1. pardon my previous post where i said short short skirts and low low tops. its short and tight orange hotpants and a tight tanktop.

Clarke Quay:
1. big change since i last went there
2. walked past the bungy ride thingy and dear said we should try some time soon.
*faints

received many christmas greetings and wishes but all have failed to realise the one significance of Christmas, the true meaning of why we celebrate this season.

its ain't a time of gifts-exchanging or parties,
its purely a time to celebrate the Birth of Jesus Christ.
in all that you do, please celebrate this season knowing it was His birth that gave us all Life.

Blessed Christmas everyone!

| Bogged Down |

i'm feeling bored and restless and tired now.

went to look for my manicurist yesterday just to find that she left for shanghai and will probably be there for the next couple of months until she decides that ain't the right place to be in to work.
so i had another manicurist to do my french pedi, BUT it was a total mess.
*sigh
it ain't that bad, but it wasn't as good as my previous manicurist either and to think i paid so much.
must start scouting for another quality manicurist.

i'm so bogged down by work and i'm seriously lacking sleep.

dear is already out right now, heading for home, and then to you know where with the rest of his campmates? its an army affair. com-on, make a guess.

HOOTERS!!!

i couldn't believe it at first and then i almost fainted when i saw what the invitation card read:
Time: 1830hrs to LATE

which means fun with the girls in short short skirts and low low tops. oooooooo wait till i get a hold of that sickening PS or PC who came up with this idea and i'll make sure i'll slap him upside-left-right-down.

*argh

then after that, they were thinking of heading down to MOS since its newly opened. i wanna go too, but i'll have to take leave and i dunno if my boss will approve because i've got SO much work on hand, i'm vanishing!

| 4 More Days to Christmas |

4 more days to christmas, how exciting!

was just thinking, many people have received their bonus and had like huge smiles on their faces. me? its a just a pathetic pro-rated one. i figured if i'm able to hold this job for the next year, i would be as happy, if not, happier than these people by the time i get my bonus next year.

*sigh

but things are always unexpected and unpredictable.

like how my dear was suppose to get the hotpink motorola v3 for me for christmas, and went through so much troubles just to finally reserve one, but with a twist of fate i chanced upon it and got it myself. poor thing, and now he's gotta fret about what to get me for christmas. =p

ha, am i deviating?

| New Mobile |

i got it! =)
and i can happily cancel it off from my wishlist, ha!

| Coloful Weekend |

not much pictures this year, rather, last weekend. well, but its good enough considering we left house pretty late and caught Pride & Prejudice which i have to declare, my FAVOURITE movie of the year!




ok, i know its a tad too small, but i'm real tired now, will redo it when i feel more life. =p

| Our Lil Getaway |

this time round, its gonna be a reality.

we've made reservations @ Shangri-la's Rasa Sentosa just to pamper ourselves.

a lil getaway we call it.

and our room?



its gonna be early next year. ooooooo can't wait!

| Photography |

for a start, why do some pple enjoy taking so-called "sexy" photographs of themselves?
i mean, seriously, what are they trying to prove or show?

its so funny whenever i come across those supposedly "sexy" pics, instead of being impressed by them, i get so tickled.

well, but if there's anything impressive at all, i must say i do admire their courage, and the guts to publicise it.

they call it the art of photography, how about the art of amusement?

| Happy Happy Happy!!! |

you know what day is tomorrow?

tomorrow is the day my love gets to book out after 15 long days of confinement!!!

*pops balloon

though i saw him on sunday, it was barely even 5 minutes and i couldn't hug him because he was in uniform.

*sobs

i miss him so so much i can't find any words to describe this longing pain.

things would be back to normal from tomorrow evening onwards he said.

and he's gonna bring me to so many places, eat all the things that i wanna eat, and do all the things that i wanna do.

*yippie

i'm delirious with joy!!!

and guess what?

Christmas is in exactly 10 days' time, have you done your shopping yet?

Mango's on sale. and so are many other places.

what to do what to do? i'm bursting!

lunch time and boss isn't around...i wonder where he went *tsk

| Snobbish |

its only in big organisations that you can see how harsh this whole working society is.

where only degree, honours graduate, masters holder, rank, and status matter.

i will get my degree and maybe even honours.

just watch.

you may step all over me right now because i am just a lowly diploma holder.
but when i become a graduate, be careful.

| Miss You |

i miss holding your hand.
i miss the warmth of your big hand on mine.
i miss your 'chow chow' smell.
i miss the smell of your cologne.
i miss your thunderous snoring.
i miss disturbing you (esp in the middle of the night)to bring me to the toilet.
i miss your goodnight kiss.
i miss telling you goodnight in your ear.
i miss waking up with you next to me.
i miss lazing in bed with you.
i miss having breakfast with you in pyjamas.
i miss rubbing my nose against yours.
i miss you holding me in the bus/train.
i miss your nagging.
i miss biting you.
i miss hitting you.

most importantly,i miss everything about you.

| Christmas Celebration? |

my parents are gonna be away on christmas, which leaves us three and the pup. so they were thinking of celebrating christmas. we've never had the habit of doing so, at least not at home.

dear and i always celebrate christmas, whether its just us or with his friends. and this year is exceptional, because he's got to juggle between two group of friends. which means, christmas eve is booked, and so is christmas day.

regardless, my point is, why should i give up my own culture just to suit you when you were also just looking at when his family was celebrating christmas, so we could be alternative?!

also, why should i celebrate christmas with someone who still thinks she's so darn right where all the while, i had been trying to talk to her and she keeps ignoring me?!

there's a limit. i may give in because i understand we were both at fault. but there's no way i can tolerate her persistent self-righteousness! and please, her words the other day weren't exactly kind either.

i'm just feeling all so stressed out right now, i want to run!

| Trying |

its been a very trying week, and this week, i foresee the same.
drove down yesterday just to see you, tears fell. i couldn't bare to see you confined for sucha long time. even after i left, i was still crying.

did you know that?

i miss you, i really do.

dunno how i have to go through this,
dunno why didn't you be a lil more careful.

yet after one week, you've changed.
changed to be nonchalent about me,
changed to have less to talk to me about,
changed to care watching tv more than calling me.
you deny, but the fact remains.

as it is, its painful just talking to you on the phone,
not being able to see you,
to hold you,
to touch you.

i hate you, for putting me through all these!

| Motorola V3 |

i wanna get this phone BUT its outta stock! *pouts

| Destiny |

i'm scared, i feel like giving up this race i was chosen to run.

the pressures' building up and i'm feeling the stress.

i can't perform, i need time.

i don't wanna be compelled to do things against my wishes.

please understand, i am only human.

they say its my destiny.

but i really feel like giving up this race. i really do.

its so hard when people judge every word i say and every action i make. like i'm suppose to be unfallable and the "almighty" christian.

give me a break, i need a break!

| Things I Wanna Do... |

things i wanna do when [you] book out:

1) eat bbq chicken wings
2) walk down the entire orchard road, from wheelock place to plaza sing
3) take pics with the christmas lighting
4) watch Chicken Little, and maybe King Kong?
5) go christmas shopping!
6) rent lotsa dvds and stay up to finish them one by one
7) clubbing
8) eat my favourite oyster at Angus and you'll foot the bill! ha!
9) go ktv
10) cook lotsa and lotsa calamari and gobble them up ourselves, no sharing!

*lolx

quick quick, 7 more days!

| My ScreenSaver |

::Butterfly Oasis::

this is what i look at everyday, every minute, if i'm not using the computer. its animated by the way, the butterflies move and the waterfall right at the end there moves, just that when i did a screenshot, they all don't move anymore.

i'm really bored, honest. i've been trying to find things to do to occupy myself but it doesn't help because i finish them real fast.

have i mentioned i'm real bored, i'm this close to closing my eyes, i need a pair of blunt toothpicks to keep my eyes open. i need to SLEEP!

one more hour!

| Fly |

sometimes i wish time can fly, so i wouldn't have to endure this pain.

done with all the reports i'm required to do, did a good job and pretty one at that, so am feeling a lil accomplished.

now is boredom.

and the pain of having to kill time.

then there's this poor guy who's been accused of being a loanshark, and its turned so ugly that i heard its become a police case. since then, my boss has been calling up a series of suspects and interrogated them.

*sigh

my only comment on this is that, looks can be deceiving. he may look the sort with all the mannerism, but he may not neccessarily be the culprit. what if some evil people are plotting against him? what if he's innocent? what if he's been framed?
there are so many what-ifs, and who knows how to answer all these what-ifs?
its not up to us, definitely.

i'm feeling so so low right down.

my vacation trip is officially off.

i'm not going anywhere without any guardian, my parents have made their stand loud and clear to me. its hard to accept, but i guess that's what happens when i'm the baby of the family, the lil one.

i'm feeling all so depressed right now,
can someone tell me how to live the rest of my days without my love?

| Buried |

5 minutes before i knock off.

i'm glad i had my work to bury myself in,

to forget time, to forget the missing.

9 more days, please come home soon.

| Now & Forever |

i miss you...

Now and forever
You are a part of me
And the memory cuts like a knife
Didnt we find the ecstacy
Didnt we share the daylight
When you walked into my life

Now and forever
I'll remember
All the promises still unbroken
And think about all the words between us
That never needed to be spoken

We had a moment
Just one moment
That will last beyond a dream,
Beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do
All we got to do
Now and forever
I will always think of you

Didnt we come together
Didnt we live together
Didnt we cry together
Didnt we play together
Didnt we love together
And together we lit up the world

I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met
and all that followed after
Sometimes I wish I could always be with you
The way we used to do
Now and forever
I will always think of you
Now and forever
I will always be with you

| 2 outta 14 days |

alright, today marks the second day of his confinement. i am barely making it through. how am i gonna survive the next 12 days? i dunno.

went retail therapy with my big sis today and we combed the entire orchard road, went into every single store that sells shoes (because she was looking for this heels that she saw someone wear), and into every boutique that sells three-quarter pants (because she was also looking for one).

*faints

and now, my legs are sore, and my whole body is aching.

BUT it did help me take my mind off the pain for a couple of hours.

so i managed to buy my black tube dress, which i had been searching for high and low since i dunno when. and though it wasn't the exact piece i had in mind, i think that will have to do for now. i dunno why, but i just wanted to get one, even though i already have like many other dresses.

yes, i must stop spending.

12 more days to go.

| Lost |

on my way to work this morning, there were queues of enlistees bound for their BMT at tekong.

i thought of the first time when i was there too. i teared and it made my day blue.

its been a long time since i last felt this way. dear's punishment was out last night, and its a 14-day confinement. it starts today. and because of that, i'm feeling lost.

i always feel lost when i don't get to see him for such long periods. 2 weekends, 14 days.

will start counting down i guess.

| December |

today is the first of december, the last month of the year.
my dad drove through the whole of orchard road last night, from Tanglin Mall to the end of it at Bras Brasah. it was beautiful, and my pup was rather intrigued by the bright lightings too!

still don't have the mood or time to take pictures of the lightings this year yet, shall wait and see when will be that fine night. for a view of last year's lightings @ orchard road, do view my archives under December 2004.

i'm thinking, if i really can't get to go to bangkok, i'll still wanna leave the country for a short short relaxing trip and i'm eyeing on some small town or island nearby.
any good suggestion?

| Free Day |

my boss is on leave today, wonderful isn't it?
its good to have authority off your back sometimes, even though i can't say he's a tyrant. so while he's away, i'll cherish all that there is today, until i have to face tomorrow.
its quite gossipy in here, i guess that's what big organisations are like. pple stabbing pple in the back, hypocrites lining up the entire office, pple trying to dig secrets outta you and blah blah blah. therefore, i have to be absolutely discreet while blogging, or tongues would wag big time.
i don't think i'm doing too good myself. am still financially cripple and until i get my next pay, i don't think i'll ever be stable enough. needless to say, its got to do with my spending. i've been watching it, serious. which is why in the midst of drawing up my new year resolution, one of them is to cease online shopping because i've almost lost tons of cash. the seduction of this new age, it must stop.

and talking about my previous post, the one about my in-laws. that was in the midst of frustration that gave birth to that entry. again i stress that, as far as possible, i will try to live at peace with them.
its the whole package you see, my dear and his family/friends, they are not sold seperately when i eventually get to marry him. get the idea? and i guess its time to stop harping over something i can't change. now that i've had about 2 days to think about the whole issue, i should be stupid enough to forget how favouritism works in the family. how they spend and favour way too much on the lil sister than the 2 big boys, and also, obvious difference in treatment. anyhow, i should drop it and move on.

and about my vacation trip, i guess i can't quite go, because of the bird flu, and because no matter how big i am, i'll always still be daddy and mommy's lil girl. they're worried, and they wanna be there personally to protect me, but how to when they are bound for their own vacation? chances are slim, but i'm wishing, praying and hoping a miracle would happen. i'm just sick of working, i'm just sick of being in one place for too long, i'm just fed up and i need a break! why won't they listen, or understand? they were the ones who instilled this annual holiday thingy since i was a lil gal, and now that i'm all grown up and can make my own way there, they refuse to let me go!
my big sister said God gave us parents to guide and watch over us and they must have their reasons for not letting me go. i reckon so, but i'm still really sore about this whole thing.

i really am still a lil gal huh?

| Christmas Skin |

this was my christmas skin last year, and i've decided to put it back up again this year.

its funny how time flies and yet you still feel like you're struggling in between.

| .... |

i can't think of a title right now, maybe its because i'm terribly disturbed, or hurt if you will.

last night was bad. i walked down orchard road with all the lovely lightings all by myself, with no one with me, just myself. they were lovely, and i wished i had my special someone with me, but i didn't.

what is friendship? i'm sure, out of my 360-odd posts here, i had asked this question before and i still hadn't got the answer.

dear's friends, a bunch of guys he grew up with since primary school, would rather celebrate somebody else's girlfriend's birthday than mine, even though i had been hanging out with them more than she had. and i thought what we had was friendship. never mind about the presents, i'm not talking about materials, i just wanted wishes. simple birthday wishes, is that so hard to do? i think.
in all my being, i was as sincere as i possibly could be when it came to friendships, but i never ever get the kind of treatment back. why? its not meant to be? why issit so hard for me to even want to have some friends i can call my own? too hard.

i give up. i will never trust another person to be the kinda friend i hope he/she would be, because it just doesn't ever happen to me.

what about family, or future in-laws if you will?
suddenly a new addition to the family would have the entire family swirling in novelty and excitement. and they conveniently forget about the one who's always been there, quietly.
new things are always nicer, always more fun, always fresher. and because of that one addition, she would have her future mother-in-law serving food right to her DOORSTEP. unbelievable. i've never seen her take so much care about me when i was sick in his house. but because she's a foreigner, she's alone in this land and i would have this sort of unfair treatment.
she's never loved me as her own anyway, though i thought she did.
i wanted to meet her the first time she was here, i was just as excited as anyone in the family. but because she was sick, she was locked behind closed doors the entire day with no toilet trips, no food, and probably no water too, i couldn't meet her. fine. and when i was tired after a long long day and i didn't have the mood to meet anybody new, i was still forced to say hi to her.
obvious change of treatment? duh.
enough of competition, enough of vying for attention. enough.

issit wrong of me to think of it this way? i'm only human.

i will never expect anything from anyone ever again in this lifetime, i am after all, a visitor on this earth.

| PDL Lessons |

let's see, i stopped at lesson 4. so now here's a brief summary of what i've studied so far.

Lesson 5: God's view of Life

Life is a Test, Trust and a Temporary Assignment.

Test - God uses various trials to test us and to help us develop a God worthy character.
Trust - God wants to see how well we handle things on this earth that God has entrusted us.

Lesson 6: Life is a Temporary Assignment

as compared with eternity, our time on earth is extremely brief.
"my identity is in eternity, my homeland is in heaven"

Lesson 7: Reason for Everything

- everything on earth is God's glory
- we can bring glory to God by:
1) worshipping Him
2) becoming like CHrist
3) serving others with our gifts
4) loving other believers
5) by telling others about Him

Lesson 8: Planned for God's Pleasure

- i was made for God's pleasure
- anything that brings God's pleasure is an act of worship

Lesson 9: Smile of God

God smiles when we:
1) trust Him completely
2) obey Him wholeheartedly
3) praise and thank Him continually
4) when we use our abilities

Lesson 10: Heart of Worship

the essence of worship is:
- surrendering
- total submission to His will
- bring God pleasure

and to be able to fulfill the above conditions would require a certain level of maturity on our part.

can i do it?