| Not |

ok not. after posting the previous blog, surfed other blogs and realised so many people have already started doing that Johari Window personality thingy.

anywayz...then i realised how slow am i....then i also realised its been awhile since i surfed blogs.

oh hey did i mention we'll be attending my company's function? checked out the hotel online and it looks pretty cool. hmmm they have good comments with regards to their food, and i guess that's what i'm so looking foward too. *hee

i dun mean to be mean, but in the place that i work, there's another department sharing the office and they have quite a large percentage of single ladies, in their 40s. its quite scary and i wonder why. would i be like them? all work and no life and end up left on the shelf? because i do understand, getting up early and ending work early is a good thing, but as i age, i lose my stamina and i always end up heading straight home.

i better start stretching my time and stamina again. gotta find some activities to fill my time after work so i dun become like that. =p

i'm going home! (oh no!!!)

| Johari Window - Edited |

went surfing on friendster yesterday and chanced upon one of my very old friend. i mean i knew her since primary school and as far as i can remember, she's rich, lived in a 3 story bungalow and later on migrated to australia, i think. so turns out that she's already pursuing her phD right now, like isn't that SO amazing?! i'm freaking impressed man, its like she's so capable!

ok, apart from that, what i really wanted to get at is that she had this personality thingy on her friendster blog and i thought it was cool.

anywayz.

| Thankful |

i just want to say i'm feeling a lil accomplished today even though the start of today wasn't exactly the most fantastic.

and seeing my dream(s) realising slowly but surely, i'm terribly grateful to the One above for making it all possible for me. =)

realised i haven't taken pictures with my digi in the longest time and my blog is becoming bare, so here, just a few to share.


::i know its dark but just bear with it::


::the handsome boy - russ baby chia::


::oh and this pup is cute too, found it in some email::

| Depression |

there's an annual function that my company is holding in a couple of weeks' time. i'd like to go, but seems like most of my closer colleagues have no wish to go. i wonder why when they tell me how nice it seemed back then and now that's its reality, no one wants to go. i figured it must be inferior complex.
hmmm will see. if there's any reason i'm going, its only for the food.

anyway, i was so tied up at work yesterday i had no time to blog. but it felt good to be busy. honest. and today is the same but since boss is on leave, i can take my time.

i think i am very prone to depression. i did a survey just the other day and i might be suffering from Dysthymia, minor yet chronic depression they call it. and turns out that depression is very common among women as compared with men.

why? i dunno.

i was depressed before, during my student internship programme (sip) where my supervisor was pregnant and because of her natal blues, she was leashing it out on me every single day and it was just pure torture. 6 months and i almost gave up along the way. i was really going crazy and i lost 5 kg within the second month. the doctor i was seeing gave me medication but i never took them because i didn't wanna be reliant on them. slowly but surely i prayed about it and God was good, she stopped coming to work, was fired or quitted rather. and then she went back to malaysia. then another supervisor came and things were never better.

was that an indication of my inability to contain stress? perhaps but could anyone have taken it assuming it was accusation and scolding for no apparent reason day after day? anyone could have gone crazy i guess.

but now, i got so much pent-up frustrations, i can't talk to anyone about it, and its giving me very negative thoughts about myself, my life and everything around me. and i thought this job was good. issit really good?

people are mean in big organisations, they're even meaner in bigger offices.

not that i've been bullied, but it just sux in here. really.

and my dear has been aimed at to help out at the great minister, Rajaratnum's funeral @ esplanade today and tomorrow, thus my weekend is burnt. BUT the good thing is that will be meeting up with my girls and guy pals for ktv. which is good i guess?

| *blah |

after looking at my photos on friendster, i think i got a round face. *pouts

that aside.

my head is starting to spin again. if there's any stress or tension as the stupid rude doctor claimed, it must be the stress of having nothing to do at all.

i'm glad its about time to go home. i miss going home early to sleep. have been so busy taking care of that baby of mine since his wisdom teeth extraction. so pampered and so man-jar, oh i had to constantly look out for his needs, cook for him, mash the porridge, make sure there are no bones since he can't chew. tried to make it as tasty as possible because he had to eat the same fish porridge everyday.

well and he can finally remove his stiches tomorrow.

i have yet to take a pic of his swollen face. i just didn't want to make him feel bad you see. =p

and in return, my reward was an omelette cooked especially by him, the very first time he cooked and to be honest, it was well-done for a first-timer! so baby, keep it up!

oh and did it ever occur to you that you might be suffering from depression?

i think i might.

| Rude Doctor |

i really took the day off yesterday, it was highly unbearable. and went to the doctor whom i vow never to visit again even if i was on the verge of death because this is one kind of a rude doctor.

he's located at loyang point and his MBBA is from Ireland. must be that kind of cheapo and low standard medical school. Dr. Muk.

i would have mentioned his clinic's name and his full name but nah, i decided to be kind and just leave his last name since its SO unique anyway. BUT i have already informed my entire company never to visit him because he's the lowest grade of doctors i've ever seen simply because he doesn't understand the difference between a headache and giddiness. STUPID STUPID doctor!!!

you know what his diagnosis was?

doc: all your symptoms are signs of tension. how long have you been working in this company? (5 months) are you very stressed? (alright, i can handle)

i've never never heard in all my being that body aches, and headache/giddiness are signs of tension and stress. like come on. *lolx

its more of like a coming fever/flu/gastric flu/cold or something to the likes you know? pure stupidity.

and anyway, after his wonderful diagnosis and medication, i'm still not feeling that well. my body is still aching, though not at bad as yesterday, i can still feel the sore. and my headache, it doesn't seem to go away even though i've taken my medicine. oh i know, lousy doctor = lousy medicine.

if i'm still feeling achy and sore all over my body tomorrow, i will see a doc and take another day's MC.

| Seriously |

what do i wanna talk about? i just want to rant.

its extreme bad-hair day today and the fact that i'm feeling giddy and my body feels weird is so not helping.

i'm upset that ever since i worked here, being sick, taking MC and even taking my well-deserved annual leave are so restricted. you know why? because my parents and my fiance think i should take this job seriously.

i'd like to ask them really, exactly in which area am i not taking this job seriously?

is being sick wrong? is having a weak body constitution any choice of mine? i'm just not that healthy as i used to be alright. yes in the past, i got sick like what, once a year? that was in my teenage years by the way. then when i stepped into the working society full-time after my graduation, its air-con everyday. then i got sick often. and now that i've switched jobs, i get sick even more often.

like now.

i'm SO unwell.

and nobody believes me. even my closest and dearest fiance did not believe me last night. he thought i was kidding around.

WTH?!

| Untitled |

so i finally changed my blogskin into something that's more alive, at least its got more vibrant colors now.

colors do play a part don't they?

anyway, to all my friends out there. thank you. you guys made me feel this blog is still read by people like you who care for me. =)

i'm fine, we're fine.

no doubt it was a bad quarrel. but it was a quarrel so bad that i got violent. it was a quarrel so bad that he wanted to abandon it all.

i dunno.

i'm feeling like super paranoid and negative now and his mother's words are starting to flash back. she went to a fortune teller and this is what the fortune teller said: that he would run into tao hua jie at the ages of 28 and 30, and both with rich women.
(tao hua jie in english means "unlucky love" encounters or something to the likes)

i'm devastated.

*sigh

you see that's the reason why God doesn't encourage us to have our fortune told, even if whatever we heard were untrue, our constant fear and thoughts about it would actually turn it into self-fulfilling prophesy.

anyway.

my big sis and kor left for aussie last friday and in order not to cry, i decided not to blog about it until now. it was ok. i figured we're getting stronger and getting used to the fact that she has to go and come back and go and come back. but like i said, this time when she comes back, she'll be getting married and that alone is enough to take away all those sadness. hmmm.

| Taken for Granted? |

must all good things come to an end?

i think.

we're almost reaching the end because neither of us are willing to work things out anymore. its been too many times i guess. the monotony kills it all.

blogging is better, i can pour out my soul and no one will stop me at that point of time. i can type and no one will argue with me. perhaps they will later, but not when i'm typing. they can judge me, but that's also later. therefore i feel blogging is the purest form of my honesty.

you said i took you for granted, that you dun feel special anymore. has it ever occured to you that maybe you're starting to feel this way because of your brother's sex slave where everything is total submission, everything is yes yes. your brother wants something and she gets it done for him because she's so free and she doesn't have to work. he wants pleasure, and she gives it to him. maybe you should learn from your brother and get a girl from there, i think they will make perfect wives.
and let me tell you, singapore girls AREN'T like that. we are not the nice cuddly kittens you wish us to be because we are CAPABLE and we are ABLE to earn as much as you can now.

talk about equality.

you're jealous and unhappy because i dun give you sex. face it, you're a guy and you have your urges and the what-nots. and i also told you time and time again, i'm sorrie, we'll only consumate our marriage on our wedding night.

so dun compare.

take you for granted. so you know how it feels now? this is how you've been treating me. the whole world thinks you're the best boyfriend anyone can have, they think i'm the bad mean one in the relationship.

issit true? ask yourself.
this links to the S.U.R.P.R.I.S.E. issue again.

if only you had put it more effort in making me feel special, i would too. i've done up countless of surprises for you, and on some occasions, you were so thrilled and so happy. i wish i could feel that way too, but no, you just dun pay enough attention to me. so after awhile, i just feel, nah what's the point?

so now, let me ask you again, who's taking who for granted?

you're sick and i dun care.

i was sick too, but i still woke up early and dragged my ass to work every single morning.
did you care?

i was sick and yet you still went dim sum buffet with your brotherhood and left me to rot at home.
so let me ask you again, did you care?

what's the big deal in getting sick?!
to me, its nothing anymore.

besides, your wisdom teeth operation today is gonna give you MC for at least the next 5 days, so please, dun tell me i dun care. obviously you were just sore that you had to get up early despite feeling unwell and walk me to the busstop.

you said you've had enough of this kinda life, you said enough is enough.

remember what i said to you the very first day we got together almost 5 years ago?
if ever you've had enough, tell me.
i won't ask for a reason, i'll let you go.
so dun say i'm itching for a break-up.

if you've decided enough is enough, so be it. i'm very tired too.

| Christmas Heart |

::my christmas prezzie which i forgot to post::

| A Long Time Ago... |

V-day celebration went on as planned except that the winds were too strong and the cats were disturbing and the couples that went into the mangroves in the dark came out adjusting their clothes and hair (hmmmm..???).

that aside, can i pour out my feelings now?

i figured things do turn dull between a couple when you've been together for a long time. its like we're practically an old couple already considering its our 4th v-day together (we got together after v-day in 2001 therefore its the 4th one now).

the first was sweet.
the second was surprising.
the third was a novelty.
and now the fourth, its something new i guess but we've done it before.
what i'd really wanted was a S.U.R.P.R.I.S.E.

thank you for your breakfast this morning, it was lovely.

are my expectations too high?

did army really zap all your creativity, energy and novelty away?

i'm not asking for flowers because obviously they're way too expensive after serious commercializing.
i'm not even asking for fine dining.
all i'm asking for is a lil surprise, not after i complained to you the night before and then you wake up so early to make breakfast for me which by the way, i'm very appreciative of, i am.

and why issit that your guy pals can actually call you up to ask for ideas and you can give them a million and one ideas but to your own girlfriend, you can't even come up with a simple surprise???

it was most heart-wretching at the end of the day that the only thing you created especially for me was the luminious candlelights.

i have this thing against the luminious lightsticks that you used to create the effect. i do. remember changi village hotel? i freaked out and i told you i was afraid of it, i still am. so please, dun ever do anything with the luminious thingy ok?

*sigh

am i asking for too much or are you simply taking me for granted?

no doubt v-day has been way commercialized that i sometimes dun even feel like celebrating it. but regardless of whether or not its v-day, you haven't given me a surprise for a very long time.

i know i ain't very creative myself which is why even though i dun hand-make stuff for you, i try to get you things/prezzies that you least expect me to get.
how come you're not like that anymore? i'm not worth the effort anymore?

when was the last time you gave me flowers?
when was the last time you surprised me?
when was the last time you got me something i mentioned in passing that i liked it?

yes i said to you before to only get things that i want/like. but because you dun pay attention to me anymore, you dun listen, you dunno what i want/like and thus you dun get anything for me.

instead i'll have to ask, "dear, get this for me for my birthday/v-day/christmas/anniversary?" and then you get it.

what's the point?

i rest my case.

| Dirty Old Man |

ok so for the fat guy who pissed me off big time yesterday.

he's got like this senior position here in my company and he thinks he's big shit. well yeah, in a sarcastic sense, he is. *evil laughter

all along he's been rather friendly to me, and as far as i'm concerned, i attach an 'Uncle' together with his name whenever i call him because i know he's rather debauch. it also serves to remind him everytime i call him 'uncle' that he is far too old for me and i'll never never betray myself or my chastity for money or status.

he's cheeky in a dirty sense. only just got married at an old age of say about 40? his wife is from china, and somehow, i think she got forced to marry him or something. he's real fat, like a ball, with a huge stomach. and when he carries his backpack, he looks like an old tortoise. his wife is young and pretty and i dunno why on earth did she ever marry him. like i said, she was probably forced into marrying him or something. i also heard from colleagues that his wife often brings home men and he doesn't give a hoot because he's just probably too afraid his wife would leave him. they have a young daughter, about 3-4 years old, she's a doll i must say.

enough background information about him.

so yesterday my fiance was on MC because he was feeling weird in his tummy, it keeps getting bloated every now and then, so he decided to seek professional advice and thus it also came with an MC.

so he came down to lunch with me yesterday and many people saw us together. the fat guy was on the other table and it didn't occur to me to introduce. so we got food and ate and dear accompanied me for the hours' break. then he left when i had to get back to work.

after lunch, i went up to the GM's office to do some binding and laminating. the GM's personal assistant (PA) was there and we were chatting. then the fat guy seemed to know where i was and came up to delibrately provoke me.

for the convenient of your reading and my typing this entry down, i will name the fat guy 'fats' since he's got so much of it anyway, and obviously yours truly will be 'me.

fats: your boyfriend today got no army ar?
me: nope, he's sick, on mc.
fats: oh mc can anyhow go out one ar?
me: why cannot? you mean if you're sick and on mc you don't have to eat meh?
fats: *speechless. later i go call MP and catch him.
me: for what? on mc means cannot go out and eat one meh? must eat at home or downstairs the house huh? then assumingly he don't fancy the food downstairs, he come here and eat, its also wrong huh?
fats: *speechless yet again and decides to turn soft now. oh no lah, last time our time army very strict one leh. if you on mc and the MP calls your house and you're not home, they will come and catch you immediately.
me: *thinking in my head. there's a reason why that was in the past. even the army would have thought that was a dumb thing to do and thus have obsoleted that practice and here you are still talking about it? come on. wake up, we're living in the present.
me: oohhh...

end.

no i was SO wrong. when i was done with my binding, i went downstairs the counter to take some stuff from my colleague and there, like a ghost, he appeared in front of me again. ignoring his presence, my colleague and i were talking about something and we burst out laughing.
then the following conversation took place.

fats: your laughter is horrible!
me: oh, if it displeases you, you can leave.
fats: i think you got it wrong. you should be the one disappearing in front of me, not the other way round.
me: ha! you're the one finding it a nuisance, not me or anyone here, i think you should be the one to leave.

knowing he obviously can't get me to leave, he harped on the topic of laughter in hope of provoking me further.

fats: your laughter to me is a form of pollution, you know like they say noise pollution.
me: then just leave lor!

speechless and obviously unhappy that he lost, keeps quiet and talks about something else.

fats: eh your boyfriend reach home already ar?
me: of course he's reached home already, its been so long.
fats: oh yah i was just worried about him getting home safely. you said he's sick what, i scared he too giddy walk halfway he fall into the drain. *he laughs and then somemore tomorrow is valentine's day, you wouldn't want to spend your candlelight dinner with him at the hospital with his head wrapped up right? *laughs viciously
me: oh thanks for your concern. he reached home a long long time ago. whatever you just said is so not gonna happen lor.

everyone ignores him and he walks away.

can you believe the nerve of that fat ass?! he's like so jealous that my boyfriend came down despite being sick to have lunch with me.

i heard from the PA saying there was once, an office girl wanted to pass a document to him, but he wasn't around so she put it under his door. when he got back and saw the document, he called her to his office and scolded her till she cried. among the words exchanged, he said sometthing like, "you dun think just because you're boyfriend's working here you can behave like that!". i'm thinking, you're obviously so sore about people in relationships especially in your office, you're jealous and therefore you abuse your authority just to hurt people.

he's so perverse. if you're capable enough, get yourself a local wife, the kind who are young, pretty, have education and are able enough to work for themselves. and not like your present wife who only brings men home to dunno do what nonsense behind your back and you dun even say a word.

clearly, the above conversation that took place was a case of personal attack on me because he's so sore that he'll never have this kind of love and doting and attention and therefore he hurls abusive remarks to hurt people.

my boyfriend came down, during my lunch-time, to have lunch with me, not during my work time, nothing to do with work. jealous, outrage and thinking how come you never have people loving you this much to do this for you?

let me enlighten you, that's because you're PATHETIC. and you'll always just be this PATHETIC. and another 10 years down the road, dun even think of a promotion, you'll be lucky enough if you dun get retrenched or fired looking at your attitude. even the GM and manager, my boss, doesn't have a very good impression of you. lazy and irresponsible, i wonder how you even climbed this high up in the first place. you only have a freaking diploma. the next guy who's holding a degree, or even an honours is so gonna climb above you or at least to be on par with you. just give him another year or so, and by then, you'll be sorry you were ever this nasty to pple around you.

watch me, i'm not afraid of you fat ass. i've had experience with another before and this time round, i've learnt to be smarter.

dun provoke me, and i won't bite.
provoke me, and i'll never let you rest.

| Feelings |

before i go into details of the person who pissed me off big time yesterday, i just want to say i have a warm sad fuzzy feeling right now.

forwarded V-day messages to my friends and also to my ex-boss and he replied, he actually replied, and that is what's making me feel the way i do now.

i think i'm far too emotional for this cruel world because i'm perhaps the only fool who feels this way. i just cannot simply forget or close my heart to people who have been in my life, who's played a part in the way that i am today.

i've been wanting to visit them.
in all honesty, i do miss them, miss the place, miss the happy and sad and busy and crazy late-nights there. miss the noisy aunties and miss the boring seminars and miss the loud marketing director. miss the product talks where i can almost memorise the benefits of eating and using the products, miss everything about there. i even miss the cleaning lady there.

but dear has been telling me to forget it all. because that was the place and perhaps the reason why i almost left him.

partly.

but i guess i was solely to blame for most of that unhappy time. it was my choice, my indecisiveness, my weakness.

and i've been thinking how have they been. wondering if they hate me for acting so irrationally. and most importantly, i wonder how they would react if i ever went back to visit them.

its a new year, a new beginning. perhaps its really time to let it all go.

| Short Week |

i foresee a short week.

very unexpectedly, boss is on leave today. didn't know until i came in and checked my mailbox, heh =p so happy!
he'll be on leave next friday and monday, then following that on thursday and friday, and then also a half day the next friday. yesh, life is good!!!

dear is on mc today too, so he spent the night over at my place. he was sucha baby. and he says he'll come down to lunch with me, so sweet! *muack

me? will be on another half day this friday. its that stupid boy's wisdom teeth surgery and i reckoned he'll be in so much pain, i just have to be there to support him. its also dajie's flight back to aussie.
3 months just flew past like that. but looking on the bright side, my parents will be visiting her in the next 4-5 months' time, and when she returns for vacation this november, she'll be getting married!!! that's the only happy thought i guess.

oh and i'll talk about my weekend later in another post. got so much to say, about clubs and shopping and all.

later!

| What's Going On? |

i dun feel good.

just dun feel good.

i hate this time of the month where my hormones are just all so haywired making me feel real blue and depressed.

and i have completely no idea why i have such serious PMSes and cramps.

its bad.

i'm on half day leave tomorrow. yesh finally its my turn to leave the office at lunch time where everyone's going out for their lunch. duh!

and as you can read, i'm just ranting on big time because i just feel so inadequate and so depressed and so lousy and i just wanna type to make myself feel better.

i napped after i got home from work which is why i'm so alive now when usually i'll be already sleeping.

there's so many pple on my msn list but there's no one talking to me!!!

what's going on?!

dear was suppose to be out tonight for his bi-weekly nite's out. i know he had to stay in for some bazaar for the old folks' and he had to like feed them, take care of them and all that kinda stuff.
i know its meaningful and he must have felt like real happy making those old pple feel good but he was suppose to be OUT with me making me feel good because i dun feel good!!!

*hysterical screams

i'm going outta my mind!!!

why do i feel so bad like almost every single day. there's something wrong with me isn't it?

are these signs of old age? i suddenly feel so old you know.
like i'm gonna be real old real soon and i'm not married, with nothing accomplished to my name, i feel like sucha loser and man i am aimless in life!!!

what am i gonna do???

*frets

| V-Day Plan |

yay! i finally found something to do which will occupy my time for the rest of today and also for tomorrow morning before i go off at lunch time.

v-day is coming, i see how merchants of all sorts, in the marketplace and marketspace cashing in on every item possible. amazing. the wonder of marketing.

well and as for this v-day, dear and i have decided on something quieter as compared with the rest of our v-days together.

we're gonna have a lil bbq by the beach.

advantages of a sweet lil bbq:
1. cost-saving,
2. ultimate romance under the stars.
3. food prepared courtesy of yours truly of course. =p

with advantages like these, who wouldn't opt for this than some fancy restaurant?

as for our v-day gift to each other, it was long settled before CNY. its a couple watch from Guess and it was quite a task trying to get that pair i tell you.

will post a pic of it soon when i have the time to take a nice one.

the watch is cool, unlike other watches. and though we already have a couple watch, this one is special because at least i know he'll wear.

*heh =p

oh and Happy Birthday Erjie!!!

| Type |

just let me type.

its not here yet. its playing tricks on me. it keeps giving false alarm.

at least my back isn't aching anymore, though i know i should be resting my backbone every now and then. i'm getting old.

boring day.

have you ever worked in some place and you know you ain't very useful, and risk retrenchment say if there were to be in the next 3 years?

i do.

and the fact that i have nothing to do really isn't that helpful.

maybe i should just count the days while i'm still here, before i get fired.

*lolx

that ain't impossible.

my parents will be late, they're coming to get me. we're celebrating sis' birthday @ some restaurant in east coast park. haven't been there in centuries, seriously.

we used to frequent that area because school was just round the corner. i had 10 years of my education in the east coast area as a convent IJ girl.

ok, maybe i'm paranoid. but the last i saw, it seemed to be here, though i can't be positive.

*sigh

| Overspent |

my credit card bills came and its making me highly depressed right now. where am i gonna find the money???

i way overspent.

and my parents are questioning my spending too. what have i done?

eat eat eat, if only i can stop eating so much.

70% of my bills were those of restaurants. damn!

and even chinese new year ang paos didn't help much. i'm screwed!

| Maybe not... |

managed to waste the day away just like that by running here and there pretending to run errands. heh =p

how sly.

BUT this trick always works i tell you.

when they gimme work, they flood me.
when they dun gimme work, there's nothing.

see how extreme these pple are?

enough said.

i'm going home!

| Grumbles |

can i just grumble?

i'm as bored as ever and i've been trying to find things to occupy my time but i'm still this bored. am i too fast or what? i finish whatever is given to me in the shortest time possible and i have nothing to do soon again.

i foresee myself gonna be blogging big time today, say about at least 3 posts?

i woke up with a sore eye today and i still came to work. it ain't that bad but it hurts here and there and its swollen! i'm feeling so drained and so tired, and my back is still aching. when will it stop?

i come to work everyday so sleepy and so tired, with a foul temper and all.

quick come!!!

so i can stop all these pms-es soon. its driving me insane!

oh and guess what?

my big sis is gonna get married real soon!!!

they're gonna register at the end of this year and gonna hold their wedding next june when she finishes her course.

how wonderful is that?
how exciting is that?
how perfect is that gonna be?

marrying the man who's always been there, who gave up his career just to go to aussie to take care of her, and who's been waiting for her.

aaawww like major sweet can?

*scatters

i have officially melted.

when will it be my turn?

its been 5 years already. i wonder how things would be like when its our turn to get married. i wonder if i'd still feel this fuzzy?

dun make me wait too long ok?

| Fast |

its about that time of the month and i'm starting to ache all over my body, especially my back. man i tell you, i'm feeling like an old granny. seriously.

and as usual, am grouchy, easily irritable and extremely fiesty.

some idiert stepped on my third toe and now its hurting big time, i can feel the sore whenever i walk and its so painful. idiotic.

have applied for half day leave this friday and next because i just need a break from this horrible office and all that concerns with it. ha, no lah, actually its because my sis will be flying off again.

its kinda sad really, and i'm starting to miss her again. because this winter, it'll be my parents visiting her, not me. perhaps next year it'll be my turn again?

we'll see.

time really flies and its scary to think about it sometimes. like why am i wasting my life away now instead of studying? to fulfill my materialism? hell no!

well but hopefully it'll be less than 8 months to hit the books again!

counting down: 2 more hours to knock-off!

| Big Boo-Boo |

sorrie, my mistake.

Chinese Valentine's Day is on the last day of Chinese New Year.

NOT today.

today is the 7th day of the chinese new year calender, and its also everyone's birthday (ren ri).

so big boo-boo.

*laughz

| Gone |

so he really went, and here i am, all alone in this house of mine.

today is the chinese valentine's day somemore, and i'm reduced to this pathetic state. unbelievable.

and my throat is still hurting, with thick green phlegm coming outta my nose every now and then.

does he care? obviously not.

why?

issit because we've been together for far too long time and therefore he's taking me for granted?

*sigh

i tried to be nice, i tried to understand. but i just cannot see why when he's brought me along before.

so selfish.

| Outburst |

i'm so angry i want to complain.

i'm mad with you for giving empty promises and spoiling my night and day and my plans. i'm mad at you for choosing brotherhood over love.

i hate it i hate it i hate it!

its not like as if i've never been out with you with your stupid brotherhood before and why only now all this talk about just spending time alone with them.

fine, go!

i'll find my own plans and dun blame me when you see me with the wrong kinda crowd. if you deem this as a threat, so be it. i couldn't care less anymore.

as the years come and go, there doesn't seem to be anything for me to look forward to anymore. studies, career, marriage, babies, nothing!

not saving, not scrimping, just spending spending spending. i said i'll give you another 5 years, if at the end of the next 5 years, you're still like you are now, i'll leave.

i'm so mad i'm throwing everything up on this blog and dun you dare stop me because i am this close to leaving you for good.

compare. you are ever so easily influenced by things and pple around you. you see your brother and his sex slave decorating up the room with all the nice ikea stuff and you want to revamp your room too. for what??? in another 3-5 years' time, we're probably gonna be happily married and we're definitely MOVING out. if that's not within your goal, i tell you now, START MAKING IT YOUR GOAL because i'm sick of just being your girlfriend. and so what if we're engaged, who recognises engagement these days? even your parents don't and keep introducing me to your relatives as "friend". after 5 years and i'm still just your friend. amazing.

she has a child from her previous bogus marriage because nobody can actually verify that and your parents still so readily accept her. its like the chinese saying where pple say you buy-big--free-small. and i thought they were getting married? when? if they really were to ROM, how come they are still decorating the room up? oh i forgot, she's not local and therefore have to put a $5,000 deposit as government security before she can get her PR, before they can get married where they'll have an official certificate saying we're free to f**k all day and all night long! they obviously have no intention whatsoever of moving out, yew that's so like my you-know-who.

just kill me!

and what about that lil gal back at home while her mother is here having the time of her life with her new stupid one-of-a-kok boyfriend? she has to go to school, yes we all know that. so who takes care of her? how come she can leave her daughter just like that, for an entire 2-3 weeks?! what sort of mother is she? come on. we all have eyes to see.

studies. you keep saying you want to study yet you don't have the support from your parents because you never bother sitting down and having a good talk with them!
i've wasted 2 years of my life out in this harsh society silencing all the shit just because i'm only a diploma holder, waiting for you to finish your service to the nation. sometimes i just need some assurance, some security just so i know my choice with you isn't wrong.

i spend because i can afford it. i'm earning at least twice your salary!

and did i mention last night to you that i dun feel good. i woke up with a sore throat like big time! did you even bother asking? no, not at all. and i still came to work because its the only way for me to spend the day!

ok, i'm right about done with my complaints.

i'm feeling much better now. and i dun care if this post will make pple hate me. as far as i'm concerned, the above are all my honest thoughts and opinions. and the last time i checked, i am still entitled to my freedom of speech as long as its on this web space of mine.

period.

| Coyote Ugly |

caught Coyote Ugly that chinese new year night and it brought back memories of how i loved the movie to bits and downloaded every single song on its soundtrack. one i particular song i loved, sad but i like. =)

and can someone tell me who i watched it with? i can't seem to have any memory of it!

Leann Rimes - Please Remember

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And you're left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time I had you with me
Though we go our seperate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
I'll never know again

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this heart was yours and mine
And how a dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I had you and you had me

Please remember, Please remember

| Shocked! |

ok, i've got this major shocking news to share but i've been advised to be real discreet about it so here i am, trying my very best. oh and children under 18 may not read further on.

i found something in someone's room, i stumbled upon it of course, not on purpose, and it totally grossed me out because it isn't something to be left lying around openly on a side table, especially when there are young children around the house!!!

like no wonder some pple are able to stay behind closed doors for a whole 12 hours without food or water, and you wonder, how can they survive? naturally, why didn't i think of that? that would be enough to keep them filled up and go on for hours. yew the thought of it grosses me out completely.

talk about being unwell, talk about being sick.
how lame.

so that's the reason why some men have to go all the way to neighbouring countries just to find women of that sort to bring back and do that kinda thing all day long. is pleasure really that important? where can i find a man who does not long and urge for such pleasure?

my dear boy perhaps. at least he's man enough to withstand for the past 5 years. and he will have to wait till our wedding night to consumate the marriage.

my point is:
real men should learn to keep their stick in their pants for crying out loud!

or maybe its the occult that these women deal with therefore spinning these men by their penis?

whatever.

come on. this is disgusting

i've concluded: men only want one thing from women - SEX.