| Letting Go |

"time flies". i've heard this two words resound many times today.

had wanted to blog about my first ever surgical procedure but looks like that would be another day.

today the ex-boss and his family returned home. tasked with setting up a new subisidiary, he left everything and came here with that mission 3 years ago bringing his family along with him. he was a good person who was tough; a great boss who treated me well - more than what i could have asked for. it was my lost.

i couldn't have asked for a better boss. and truly, it is in losing that i realise the value of what i once had. if there's ever a chance again, i would wanna work for him again.

there were many familiar faces today. at first, i was apprehensive about attending the dinner tonight but when i got there, that familiarity overwhelmed me, reminding me of how loved i once was.

i would never be in that position again because i've lost that right a long time ago.

im tired. emotionally, physically and mentally. i've been fighting the guilt game for awhile now and truth be said, i did heave a sigh of relief when i knew of his posting back home - at least that lessened my guilt. but after tonight, i realise i can never completely erase this baggage.

and so it goes, another chapter, another time that i can only watch from the outside because now, its time to finally let go.

| Randoms |

and it starts - I'm losing sleep.

guess being idle has its downs too.

it's officially been 5 weeks since I left employment..I wonder why am I even counting it.

miss fussing everyday over what to wear to work and miss being in my heels all day long. I buy clothes I don't even have the opportunity to wear now and heels I have nowhere to wear them to except during the weekends.

the only "work" that keeps me occupied is Seven Dresses and even then, it isn't anything so busy that it would occupy my whole day (except for when I'm packing and counting stock).

I've stopped sending out resumes for awhile now because I've become very disillusioned after being offered 4 jobs and either rejecting them or taking too long to consider. thought I knew what I wanted in a job and where I wanted my career to go from here but now I'm not so sure anymore.

and seeing the fiancé splurge his hard-earned money on haircut and a Gucci wallet, all in the name of "rewarding himself" and "relaxation" made me feel worser of myself - what am I doing still unemployed for so long?!

and please don't judge me because I am just pouring my heart now - that's what my blog is for.

but after having said all these, I do know what this means - that I must learn to trust entirely on God and in His providence. and only in His time will the right job come, but question is, how long more?

Pastor Yang spoke about Fulfillment last week and it was clear. he spoke briefly on fulfilling our individual destiny and it made me wonder what my destiny is in life.

prior to his message, Nat shared about body, soul and spirit and how the signs that appear in our lives may not necessarily be from God since the devil too, can conjure up signs and wonders especially now that we are in the last days. but more importantly, what stood out was how he mentioned that it is our spirit that communes with God and I thought to myself: how many times have I heard from God through my spirit? I confess how highly distracted a person I am and I lose focus easily. apart from that I am also an innate thinker where I constantly think about logic and how certain things make sense or not, and not to mention how I have my fair share of daydreams and stuff. so, when or how can my spirit finally take control and listen to what God is saying to me? I mean I envy those people whom can hear God so easily. of course, it could jolly well be from their own soul or spirit, but if they really have control over their spirit and are constantly communing with God, then wouldn't it be so wow? I wanna be one of them too but how?

being at the crossroads now, I start questioning about life and where I fit into God's big plan.

sometimes interviewers ask the silliest things but some of those questions do get me thinking.

well, but it's a milestone today. it's the day we select our HDB unit but I don't feel a thing save for a grateful heart. I am happy and looking forward to our own home (and a new one at that) but that would only be in the next 3-4 years' time. nevertheless, it could only be God's grace that has shown us favor that we have been given a unit.

and now, I think I'm ready to fall asleep.

| Photoshoot |

told myself no matter what, i must blog today.

well firstly to update: i rejected the third job offer after all. even though the location was considered in the east side, it was fairly difficult getting there so i dropped the whole idea. besides, i didn't like the fact that there was salary-negotiating involved - i think that prospective employers who do that are very cheap. haha no offence.

so now i'm still looking around for jobs, and i'm certain that the one job that God has for me hasn't come yet. and in the meantime, i am still finding myself, clearing up some stuff personally and for Seven Dresses as well, preparing here and there for my wedding next year. and yet in the midst of this light affliction, my hopes are lifted up a lil, but i shan't disclose anything until i can confirm something. till then.

and now, the thing that got me speechless - our photoshoot for Seven Dresses today.

*sigh

i admit i am not the best model around. im not good looking or slim enough; i have short legs and fat thighs; and the width of my hips is just indescribable. my arms are also flabby and i have a bulging tummy and the list goes on and on and on but i tried, and really hard today in fact. i've even gotten the big sista to help do my make-up and especially the hairstyling which was almost different for each outfit. because i am currently jobless and have no additional income to pay anyone to model for me so i've got to do it myself even though i really don't prefer. and we put in tons of effort today just to realise that some of the pics went MISSING!

i broke down.

so now the earliest i can launch a new collection is Tuesday and that is provided we do a re-shoot tomorrow night when the fiance is home after work. but i am just so exasperated that i need to blog this out.

and yes, now i feel better. :)

shall leave you with this picture with piccolo who couldn't resist coming in to check on us every once in a while..that darling boy!

♥♥♥