12.27am and i can't sleep.
many things are weighing my mind now but the top issue is the performance appraisal that i am scheduled with my boss tomorrow..i think.
seemed like just yesterday that i joined this company but its almost 1.5 years that i've been here.
my boss isn't exactly the most accomodating person around..mostly because he is a foreigner so culture, tradition and what-nots are after all very different. i remember in my initial 3 months with him, we spent the most intense time together - something which i would rather not remember, mention or go through again.
so to very honest, i am terrified of this appraisal tomorrow. i do not know what nasty/horrible/hurting/demeaning thing he would say to me again but i sure hope that i would be strong enough to accept whatever he has to say. God's grace would be sufficient for me.
i mean, what's the worst that could happen? i'll just be given a poor grade for the darn appraisal that i created and not be given any increment, right?
i mean, if the authority that God has placed upon me has decided that i am not fit for an increment or a good appraisal grade, then i would have no choice but to accept the outcome with grace right?
fine. so that settles that.
another thing is, since a few months ago, he had asked for me to widen my job scope because he think that i have "alot of room to learn". simply decoded, he means that i am too free at work and instead of spending my time surfing the net, msn-ing and more recently gtalk-ing, facebook-ing, and sometimes even movie-watching, i'd better do something useful before i resign or am asked to leave.
so of course i accepted his proposal. did i have a choice? no.
and so being the innate thinker that i am, i have been pondering on why he would want to give me this additional workload and below are my conclusions:
1) he values me too much and doesn't want me to resign (outta boredom). so to keep me, he decided that it would be good for me to learn something new and spend my time more wisely. by doing so, i would feel more accomplished (fulfilling my self-actualisation need under Maslow's hierarchy of needs) because i now have a new challenge and something to look forward too so i wouldn't leave.
2) he's sick and tired of my mundane routine of wasting my precious time and the company's resources. so its either he gives me this workload and i accept, OR i would be asked to leave.
which is which?
*sigh
its hard playing mind games. i just want to live a very simple life, can?
