| Rumours |

spreading rumour is the one killer that ruin relationships, turning good pals to enemies, making situations awkward, and also having reservations about a particular somebody. this is especially true in an office setting.

i guess that is what's happening now.

would love to go into details, but can i?

"Information is power, and lots of information comes in the form of rumors. But too many people believe too much of what they hear - and make bad decisions as a result. Whenever I hear a rumor, I think about it for a day. Does it make any sense? Who stands to gain from spreading it? Is there an acid test that I can use to evaluate whether it's true? Nine times out of ten, I conclude that it just doesn't hold water."

| Quote |

"Love is about finding someone you cannot live without"

| Our Story Continues |

and so it is, our story continues, my fairy tale still exists, my prince still loves me.
who says you dun get a second chance in life??? *heh*
okok, maybe i sound a little too smug, but i'm real thankful for this lil break for me to get myself back together. all i ever wanted was 3 full days to myself, and having had that, i'm more certain of myself, and we've never been happier!!! *laughz*
i'm the world happiest and luckiest gal! *winkz*

| Wrong |

i'm wrong, i know i did wrong.
judge me, but dun piss me off.
i'm not having a great time either!
stone me, but dun get on my nerves.
i'm just gonna take this time to find myself,
nothing else is going to happen!!!

| The End |

within a matter of two days, i am now alone.
it was a mutual agreement.
there was a momentary sense of release when we got things off our chest.
but i haven't stopped crying since we said goodbye.

i'm suppose to be happy,
because after all, that was what i wanted.
but i've become so unsure of myself,
i can't think anymore.

while i was in the shower last night,
thoughts of the past with him came flashing through my mind.
i regretted the actions i had done to hurt him
one wrong move and i could never erase the pain i'd caused.

what else is there left for me to hold on to,
when everything's been said and done?
we've come to the end.
i've been advised not to think if we still have a chance with each other,
because more often than never,
things never work out the way you want them to.
i'm on the verge of a break-down.

this seperation, he said, is for a good cause,
so that if ever we cross paths again,
our love will be stronger than before,
and we'll be happier.
but until that day comes,
i pray that Lord, You'll be with him every step of his way,
that You'll mould him to become the man You created him to be.

to [him],
i never regretted being with you,
i just regretted all those wrong choices i made to hurt you.
i'm sorrie.
maybe this seperation will really do us good,
maybe it won't.
like you said, we'll leave it to God.
thank you for giving me time to find myself again.

| Suddenly |

as i walked outta my driving school after my lesson in the morning,
i had a sudden urge to return to the past,
where our love was innocent,
where our love was strong.

the green grass, the cloudy sky.
i wonder where i will end up in a few years' down the road.

i wanted to do so many things that we did before,
a walk by the beach,
catching the sunrise,
sleeping the afternoon away.

i suddenly wanted to visit the place which held my old church,
wanna go swimming,
wanna go tanning,
wanna go blading,
wanna go cycling.

memories...ah, what happened to me?
i've lost my sense of direction,
i'm aimless.
what am i going to do?

truth, lies.
hypocrisy, sincerity.
i can only go in riddles now,
until i am freed from evil.

| Initial D |

who wants to watch this movie with me??? any volunteers???

| Recent Movies |

the two recent movies which i caught within the last two weeks. both were not bad, though i prefer Mr and Mrs Smith to A Lot Like Love.

Mr & Mrs Smith
Angelina Jolie is gorgeous, as usual. she looked really good in almost every scene and she always had that very sexy and sensual kissable lips which would make all men go weak on their knees. oh and not to mention her, ahem, figure. Brad Pitt was equally gorgeous, if not more, why? because i am a girl, not a guy. ha! despite his age, he's still as charming as ever. *faints*
those who haven't caught it yet, MUST!

A Lot Like Love
i guess i have slightly more stuff to write about this movie. the plot was good but it was rather dry at certain points in time and being the sneaks at midnight, i had a hard time catching up.
the morale of the story: you'll get a second chance in life. then it occured to me, would life really give you a second chance? highly impossible isn't it? does everyone get two tries or more in life? i wish it would happen to me. *shrugz*

| Classmate |

he was the guy who was my next-door neighbour during our 6-months attachment.
he was the guy who always helped me open the freaking heavy metal door shutters in the morning.
he was the guy who wrote mushy shakespeare poems.
he was the guy i met 2 weeks ago at mambo.
he's the guy who lives near me.
and he was one of my classmates whom i met up with on saturday night. :)

| Enough |

i'm appalled. i abhor some acts of indecency. not the past, but present. dunno what i'm talking about? good, let's keep it this way. i'm mad, boy am i fuming!!!!!!!!!!!!! tell me again, why am i still here? i've had it. enough is enough!

| Absolution? |

the last i saw of him was two nights ago.
two nights ago, i confessed to him.
i lied again.
my heart was in turmoil,
his heart was in pain.

maybe its a sign our time is up?
even if we make it through this period,
can i guarantee there will be none of this anymore?

i am skeptical of myself.
"the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak".
when will there be an absolution to this?
oh God...

| Hypocrisy |

i'm surprised at the sheer hypocrisy that is happening right under my nose, right smack in my face. oh god, save me! i wanna leave this place this very instant!

looking into their eyes,
i feel cold.
the words that they say,
i feel weary.
i dunno when the truth is spoken,
i dunno how many times i've been stabbed in the back,
all i know is that i can't wait to leave this place.

i treated all of them with sincerity,
and this is the shit that i got.
WTF?
never pays to be kind?
yah i guess.
and please, just leave me alone,
get outta my life!

| Emotions |

i'm totally disgusted with myself. i hate myself for being so easily swayed by influences. think i'll be better off alone, so nobody can hurt me, and i won't have to hurt anyone.

i've lost control, i never had it right from the start. if i had practiced a little prudence, i wouldn't be caught in a mess i'm in right now. feel like digging a hole and hiding myself. but i cannot. since i created such a mess, i must be brave enough to face it and fight it nevertheless.

liking someone isn't wrong, just that its wrong when i am attached, and engaged nonetheless, and still i have feelings developing outta something totally platonic. i seemed to have lost all my sense and reasoning. and thus, this action itself is wrong.

knowing how damn well i should avoid [insert name] but didn't, somewhere, sub-consciously, i wanted something to happen with him. though thinking about it now sends shiver down my spine.

i thought i was strong. i give most people this wrong impression. i'm not that strong as i look, i'm not that tough as i seem to be. so please don't misjudge me. i may be confident of myself, i was confident of myself, so sure i would be able to get him to reciprocate, ha but guess what? reality check - NO [insert name] never did.

the most frustrating thing of all is that, people would actually give you "kind" advices on how you should "follow your heart" and all those crap, leaving you to think that, hey perhaps [insert name] does have a lil something for me? reality check again - NO [insert name] never did.

all along, i'd seen it coming. i knew nothing was gonna work out, but still the curiosity in me never failed to get the better of me, and hence, this mess.

i had hurt the one person whom loved me with all his heart. i had put my 4-year relationship into jeopardy, and i almost screwed my future happiness because of my folly. we're currently in the midst of a cool-off period. i don't exactly know how that works or how long it will take, just that i know i need to collect myself back from the many scattered pieces, and my dear has promised to give me time.

and now i finally understand this: Love is a Decision, Love is a Commitment. my big sis had been trying to teach me the meaning of this 2 sentences, and now i am slowly able to grasp the meaning of it. you don't just run away or look for the easiest way out when feelings fade, or when the passion is gone. the crux of Love is when you try to work the differences out, and when you try to make alive the passion that had died, or re-create passion. its a constant process. no doubt being with a person after a long time would turn monotonous, that's when you try to excite things around you.

i'm aware blogging this entry would entitle the entire world to judge me, so be it. its tough keeping it to myself anyway.

dearie, i'm sorrie i lied. i was out with [insert name] last night and for the first time in ages, i was happy. i can't figure out why i would feel that way for [insert name], it isn't right i know. and even if i left you, it would never be possible for [insert name] and me. it was happiness at the expense of you. i've made up my mind, i've decided i will get him outta my mind, and outta my life. thank you for giving me time to myself.

[insert name], i think you know who you are and i hope you read this. i wanna tell you that though it was my fault for falling for you and even harboring thoughts about being with you. as of this moment, i have made up my mind that you are just a passer-by in my life, that we were never meant to be even if you were to open your heart to me. i said this to you before, and i will say this to you the last time, i WILL get over you. you will no longer mean that much to me. i hope you will be able to find the girl you've been hoping and wishing for. i wish you happiness.

thus, this closes another chapter of my life.

| Dress |

as usual, i wanna write, i wanna rant, but when i see the blogger screen, i'm lost for words. i had no time in the office to blog today, not because i was busy. it didn't seem so busy today, just that i can't figure out why i didn't find any time to do so.

my life is getting mundane! *argh*

there's this dinner & dance that we - my company - are invited to this saturday at York Hotel. ain't that grand or glam but yah we're expected to turn up, i wonder why. sounds kinda lame to me if you ask me. the theme? bollywood & hollywood, on the invitation card clearly states : please dress to the theme. *blank* ok, like what vague theme is that? for a start, who on a friday night, after work, would actually bother to dress up and attend this D&D? i definitely will not. but i guess that's beside the point. point is, we're going, but have no idea what to wear. don't wanna dress to the nines and be laughed at for OVER-dressing. dress down, and we might also be mocked at. WTH? what is average?

oh got a black dress from Daniel Yam on sunday. its pretty! had wanted to wear it for this friday's D&D but i guess that would be a lil exaggerated. so am keeping it for my company's own D&D come mid-july and for my friend's wedding next week. i'm sure it'll come in handy somehow.

| Pre-Syndromes |

i absolutely hate this time of the month, especially when its the pre-syndromes. *sigh* simply kills me. my appetite gets uncontrollably bigger and bigger, and so will my tummy (but thank the Lord it flattens back after i am done with the week). i get terrible migraine where i feel like the sharpest thing ever driven into my head. i feel moody and i complain alot. i get extremely fiesty and fed up at the slightest notion. i crave for the weirdest food like super spicy tom yam soup, bbq stingray and sotong, and maybe chilli crab? *argh* i get occassional cramps here and there, my spine is achy and i feel lethargic everywhere in my body. what is wrong with me?! why can't it just bludder hell come and let me be done with it?
i have a friend's baby's full month party to attend tomorrow after work, and i dun really wanna go for some reasons i'd prefer to keep private. i'd like to go, but if i bleed tomorrow, i'm gonna be in such great pain that would just end my life. oh..i'm so groany and so moany and it's not like i can help it coz if i could, i would, really.

oh and did i mention how busy i've been the entire day? while some pple just sit there on their fat ass and msn, surf the net and chat all day long? its annoying and frustrating. i wish there were some stuff she could do, after all, she's suppose to be here helping me isn't it? well but guess what? she's NOT! and honestly, tell me what is she here for? to beautify the place? oh please dun make me laugh. *lolx* okok, now i'm mean and hurtful. i shall shut up here. *zlitch*

| *argh* |

this person just pissed me off BIG time!!! i wonder why he gets especially defensive whenever there's a brief mention of a mutual friend. *argh* i feel like killing him, and strangling him and slapping his face!!! and he's the first guy in my entire being as a girl to say i'm rude because i slammed the phone down on him, *argh* like he's so sissy!!!

anger turned into disappointment. i thought he knew me, i thought he understood me given the amount of time we've actually been together, but i was SO wrong! why would i want a friend like him? why would i want a friend who doesn't understand me, and trust me for that matter? *argh*
i HATE you to the core and i have NOTHING else to say to you, JERK!

| Better |

ok, so i'm feeling better now and i think i would be free to blog till i drop until i end work today. ha!

so my current template is disgusting right? so unlike me, yours truly right? yah i totally agree man! which is why, after i am done with this post, i will continue my quest for a new blogskin. though i wish i had more time to myself to design and create one that i can call my own.

*sigh* my lady boss took off for home, she looked terrible. she's down with food poisoning. my sympathies to her. and the other colleague of mine, well, some problems with her and her boyfriend i reckon. i dunno, she came in about 2 hours late today, and is going off another 2 hours earlier, all in all? half day leave i figure. which leaves me here, alone, and having to face the fate of leaving even later than expected because some aunties are just so super "gan chiong" about their collagen drink, which by way, are also distributed by my company apart from Fancl. though i must say, i think ours are better. *heh*

and about the weekend that just ended, well, there was a lil pup that dropped by my dear's house. his owners were outta town for pleasure and left their pup with their care for 3 days. he may look cute and be the absolute darling you'll want to cuddle, but trust me, this pup's gotta a fiesty lil temper that you dun wanna go near when he starts to growl. *lolx*

::*aawww* dun you just wish you could cuddle him?::

please do check out his extremely fierce video on my dear's new blog. oh yah, i realised i didn't mention anything about deardear's new blog. he started writing again and oh, i'm SO glad. really. *smilez*

| Moody |

i'm not in a good mood today, or rather, i got no mood to do anything, or to talk to anybody. i'm just feeling moody because i'm starting to PMS. do NOT provoke me, or i swear i'll BITE.

| Headache |

my head is spinning, the air-con is switched off, my entire body is buring and i'm hunrgy and still at work nonetheless! DAMN! what is wrong with these pple?! argh!

| Lost |

more than a week since i last blogged, oh how i miss pouring my soul out on the blogger screen.

figured i must be in a transient period of my life now, i'm beginning to ponder about lotsa stuff - work, future, friendships, family, and namely, love and relationship. i'm in a state of confusion filled with complexity. i dunno how intense this situation is gonna be, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. where am i going in life? i'm lost. can anyone tell me what i should do? where i should head?
suppression isn't good, harms the heart. my heart has been aching and aching, how on earth did i get myself into this mess? i'm very tired, tired of life, tired of having to make decisions everyday, tired of choosing, just plain tired.

the new gal is still here and i dunno why. though i have nothing against her, she isn't as simple as i think she is. she found my blog though, i must congratulate her on her resourcefulness. i guess that's why people say ignorance is bliss. since you decided to search for my blog yourself, and found it, dun blame me for being honest. this is my blog space, my own space where i am entitled to my own thoughts and feelings about a particular something. if you dun wanna read about yourself on my blog, i suggest you dun even come here. i have a site meter, i know who comes and when they visit and for how long they stay for and so forth. though i can't stop you from visiting my blog, i reckon you'll be happier if you dun read about yourself? spare yourself. no hard feelings though. period.