| Australia |

the year that we graduated from TP, i should have gone to aussie with the big sista. she was gonna do her degree in UQ for 2 years, though it eventually got extended another year due to her remarkable results which saw her being offered the honour's programme.

so i started working in 2004, not expecting to work all the way and forfeit my last chance of being a full-time student.

i guess when we were young, being so madly in love was all there was to life. studies, marriage, the future - it all didnt seem to matter. looking back, it was a foolish decision to stay behind with the boyfriend, even though he promised we'll do our studies together in aussie after his NS.

he only fulfilled half of that promise.

2 years of NS came and went, we started on our studies together with Monash but financially, it had to be done locally. the boyfriend promised again and said we'll do our final year in melbourne. changes in our modules and the whole study structure meant that our study time of 2 years would be stretched and completed only after the 3rd year. though it was painful mugging schoolwork and working full-time, i still held on to that promise that we'll do our final year in aussie. final year also came and went and the last compromise - we'll go in our last semester. though that was said, i knew in my heart that aussie will never happen.

and so it never did. 3 times he promised, 3 times he failed to deliver. what would it take for a girl to give up completely? you tell me.

1.5 years ago, we finally graduated with Monash. it was suppose to be our grad trip but it never happened because of SARS. in the end, we went to Korea for the first time last christmas.

now, by God's grace, we are presented with another chance of aussie by way of a small sponsorship. it'll be a dream come true for me but i wonder if it'll really happen?

and so the story goes - Australia will always be this regret and pain that the boyfriend/fiancé so conveniently inflicted on me.

| Types |

the fiancé said there are 2 types of blogger in this world:

1) those that blog their innermost thoughts and feelings
2) those that blog only about superficial happy stuff

i belong to category 1.

yet i hate being in that category at the same time.
sick and tired of whinning and getting all teary and upset over things i have no control over.

its taken a toll on me and my life and especially my Seven Dresses. im sure people must be wondering what is up with the owner who can't seem to get a grip of herself on most days?! i don't deny the fact that i do feel extremely lifeless and tired...like everything that was said and done the past month was surreal.

maybe.

but ive witnessed the power of God in this whole situation. apart from fear gripping my heart and wisdom beginning to show, its also the constant pain and heartache that i feel - emotions that i will not possibly share with another human.

its really true that if God is for you, then nothing will be against you.
but if we use mere human strength and go against God's will, then you'll know ahead of you will be obstacles after obstacles.

so i choose to give up.
i relinquish this thought that was never meant to be.
and i'll make sure it will never happen even if its supposedly 'the time'.

let me be wilful the last time, and decide to remain status quo for now, forever.

| Dreams |

brokenness, shattered dreams,
can it be fixed back?
a regret, empty promises,
hurt lingers in the heart.
undeniable, undefiable,
never my will but Yours be done.
indignant, resenful,
it will never be mine.

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

- I Dreamed a Dream

p/s:

have disabled the annoymous commenting on eprincessdiary so all you annoynomous' out there can forget ever about commenting without a name from now on!