i've lost control, i never had it right from the start. if i had practiced a little prudence, i wouldn't be caught in a mess i'm in right now. feel like digging a hole and hiding myself. but i cannot. since i created such a mess, i must be brave enough to face it and fight it nevertheless.
liking someone isn't wrong, just that its wrong when i am attached, and engaged nonetheless, and still i have feelings developing outta something totally platonic. i seemed to have lost all my sense and reasoning. and thus, this action itself is wrong.
knowing how damn well i should avoid [insert name] but didn't, somewhere, sub-consciously, i wanted something to happen with him. though thinking about it now sends shiver down my spine.
i thought i was strong. i give most people this wrong impression. i'm not that strong as i look, i'm not that tough as i seem to be. so please don't misjudge me. i may be confident of myself, i was confident of myself, so sure i would be able to get him to reciprocate, ha but guess what? reality check - NO [insert name] never did.
the most frustrating thing of all is that, people would actually give you "kind" advices on how you should "follow your heart" and all those crap, leaving you to think that, hey perhaps [insert name] does have a lil something for me? reality check again - NO [insert name] never did.
all along, i'd seen it coming. i knew nothing was gonna work out, but still the curiosity in me never failed to get the better of me, and hence, this mess.
i had hurt the one person whom loved me with all his heart. i had put my 4-year relationship into jeopardy, and i almost screwed my future happiness because of my folly. we're currently in the midst of a cool-off period. i don't exactly know how that works or how long it will take, just that i know i need to collect myself back from the many scattered pieces, and my dear has promised to give me time.
and now i finally understand this: Love is a Decision, Love is a Commitment. my big sis had been trying to teach me the meaning of this 2 sentences, and now i am slowly able to grasp the meaning of it. you don't just run away or look for the easiest way out when feelings fade, or when the passion is gone. the crux of Love is when you try to work the differences out, and when you try to make alive the passion that had died, or re-create passion. its a constant process. no doubt being with a person after a long time would turn monotonous, that's when you try to excite things around you.
i'm aware blogging this entry would entitle the entire world to judge me, so be it. its tough keeping it to myself anyway.
dearie, i'm sorrie i lied. i was out with [insert name] last night and for the first time in ages, i was happy. i can't figure out why i would feel that way for [insert name], it isn't right i know. and even if i left you, it would never be possible for [insert name] and me. it was happiness at the expense of you. i've made up my mind, i've decided i will get him outta my mind, and outta my life. thank you for giving me time to myself.
[insert name], i think you know who you are and i hope you read this. i wanna tell you that though it was my fault for falling for you and even harboring thoughts about being with you. as of this moment, i have made up my mind that you are just a passer-by in my life, that we were never meant to be even if you were to open your heart to me. i said this to you before, and i will say this to you the last time, i WILL get over you. you will no longer mean that much to me. i hope you will be able to find the girl you've been hoping and wishing for. i wish you happiness.
thus, this closes another chapter of my life.
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