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i can't think of a title right now, maybe its because i'm terribly disturbed, or hurt if you will.

last night was bad. i walked down orchard road with all the lovely lightings all by myself, with no one with me, just myself. they were lovely, and i wished i had my special someone with me, but i didn't.

what is friendship? i'm sure, out of my 360-odd posts here, i had asked this question before and i still hadn't got the answer.

dear's friends, a bunch of guys he grew up with since primary school, would rather celebrate somebody else's girlfriend's birthday than mine, even though i had been hanging out with them more than she had. and i thought what we had was friendship. never mind about the presents, i'm not talking about materials, i just wanted wishes. simple birthday wishes, is that so hard to do? i think.
in all my being, i was as sincere as i possibly could be when it came to friendships, but i never ever get the kind of treatment back. why? its not meant to be? why issit so hard for me to even want to have some friends i can call my own? too hard.

i give up. i will never trust another person to be the kinda friend i hope he/she would be, because it just doesn't ever happen to me.

what about family, or future in-laws if you will?
suddenly a new addition to the family would have the entire family swirling in novelty and excitement. and they conveniently forget about the one who's always been there, quietly.
new things are always nicer, always more fun, always fresher. and because of that one addition, she would have her future mother-in-law serving food right to her DOORSTEP. unbelievable. i've never seen her take so much care about me when i was sick in his house. but because she's a foreigner, she's alone in this land and i would have this sort of unfair treatment.
she's never loved me as her own anyway, though i thought she did.
i wanted to meet her the first time she was here, i was just as excited as anyone in the family. but because she was sick, she was locked behind closed doors the entire day with no toilet trips, no food, and probably no water too, i couldn't meet her. fine. and when i was tired after a long long day and i didn't have the mood to meet anybody new, i was still forced to say hi to her.
obvious change of treatment? duh.
enough of competition, enough of vying for attention. enough.

issit wrong of me to think of it this way? i'm only human.

i will never expect anything from anyone ever again in this lifetime, i am after all, a visitor on this earth.