| Jobs |

I've held many jobs before, but only three main jobs are recorded on my current CV.

thing about jobs is you somehow have a hunch on the first day whether you'd last there - those you know were meant to last, and those you know were never meant to be.

and this is one such job - my fourth official job in a big company that is paying me well (at the market rate of a graduate..well at least that's what I choose to believe) but there's something about my first day today that made me regret my decision to leave my previous employment.

I didn't fit in. try as hard as I could but somehow I felt awkward with these girls. they were all of managerial positions, some my age and others older. I don't think it's because of my inferior complex that made me feel left out, it's something else that I can't quite put my finger on it.

maybe I just miss my ex-boss and my all-so-familiar environment that this new place with new people are too foreign.

Jesus, I need strength.

| Emo |

my current location is in Hongkong and im penning this entry via my iPhone in my friend's place.

it's our last night and I'm feeling super emo :(

the weather had been great and I'm sitting on the bed enjoying the 20 degree cool sea breeze blow in my face; her house is just at the harbor.

we've thoroughly enjoyed our time here, with both her and her husband's hospitality - it was amazing how easy-going this couple is! I'm truly thankful for their friendship and their generosity in extending their house to us to stay during this period. no amount of words can express our gratitude except we would love to return and spend time with them both again! :)

the places they brought us to and the food we ate made us feel as though we've never been to Hongkong even though it's our third or fourth time here (pun intended haha!).

*sigh

when I first booked the air ticket here, it was meant to be an escape route from reality - one that I know would be hard to get over as closing another and starting a new chapter in life was never easy.

Friday came and went and it was my last day at work. and just like that, my time with them came to an end. it was hard not to shed tears; after all my now ex-boss and I did go through pretty much. i thought he was extremely strict with me but that was only because he wanted me to learn and grow with him as well as the company. it's my bad for throwing in the white towel so soon...and if this new job offer never came, I would never leave. though you read about me complaining a few entries about him and work, it really was just a rant-and-release kinda thing that everyone would go through at some point in their lives. I just hope the decision that I made would be in line with my Father's plans.

goodnight world, let me enjoy my last night in Hongkong.

| Quick Update |

March was a month of many happenings yet i did not manage to pen them down one by one. BUSY is the excuse you make in a society like ours. so i've decided to do it in point form before all that happened fades away like a blurry:

- we now own our domain! pls log on to www.sevendresses.sg or http://sevendresses.sg for pretty and affordable dresses!

- also along the lines of Seven Dresses, we have converted one room to be our home studio. God provided and made the whole transition rather smooth; the only thing left is to buy an air cooler (because the white background is directly over the windows!) plus the studio lightings. am hoping we could get cheap yet good second-hand lights.

- tendered my resignation on 11 March; the day the huge earthquake and tsunami took place in Japan. my last working day is in 2 days' time. was a major struggle before i made the decision and it was a painful one.

- we've confirmed a hotel for our banquet. paid the deposit though we have yet to sign the contract. both side of parents loved it!

- met up with Pastor Daphne and she's given the green light for us to go right ahead to confirm our church wedding on 12 May 2012! praise the Lord!

- experienced our very first car boot sale though its for our other blogshop Missy Hand me Down instead. turnout was bad BUT we managed to clear off some stuff so praise God for that too!

these were some of the bigger milestones hence im making the extra effort to pen them down. everything is going well at the moment except for our self-manufactured designs for Seven Dresses. extremely disappointment with one supplier who is still holding onto the sample piece of my 2nd design plus my Seven Dresses' labels because her factory misplaced both MY items!

as such, we have asked another supplier to manufacture a 3rd (and different) design for us. this one seems strange too. was suppose to meet her a week ago but she had the appointment changed to today but she called to say she's leaving her shop because "there's nobody" today.

?!

im really praying that she would not display the same attitude as the first supplier (for our 2nd design) or i would really give up manufacturing my own designs for good!

anyway, its all for the glory of God. burn for Him.

| Dreams (Part 2) |

When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality.

Job

Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country, or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.

When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me that I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.

Relationships

Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from the ones that don’t give you everything you need. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

Counselling

Twenty-five is also a great time to start counselling, if you haven’t already, and it might be a good round two of counselling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.

Church

Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.

Don't get stuck

This is the thing: when you start to hit 28 or 30, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults.

And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep travelling honestly along life’s path.


still on the topic of dreams, i was pretty inspired by the above article when i first read it somewhere on facebook. and needless to say, there were some crazy ideas that stemmed out. im an innate thinker, i cant help it.

so the fiancé and i had a talk 2 nights ago. guess i'd been feeling all emotional for some time now, plus this article gave me some insights into my own life, so this talk was very much needed and appreciated.

i asked if he could give me 3 months to go live in a different country and find myself, fulfill my dream of independence. its not hard and i reckon it could be done - resign from this job or get a sabbatical of about 2-3 months unpaid leave, fly to someplace, live among the people and do what they do and live a life that is totally different from here. its the experience that i crave for. its the difference that i wanna feel. its the sweet smell of independence and freedom that i've been longing for - is that so wrong?

but his reply really hurt.

i fail terribly as a fiancée. the fiancé confessed that he feels there are many regrets in my life - my regret of saying yes to his proposal, regret that we are going to get married, and worse, regret the past 10 years together!

that came as a very painful "ouch" for me.

i had spent close to half of my lifetime with this person and just when we are almost making it to the finishing line where it will bring us to a new chapter of life and it looks like we both have different dreams and ideals now.

yes i don't deny the fact that ive always been a more 'dreamy' person, whereas he's the more practical and down-to-earth guy. but that doesnt mean im not realistic.

how many of my dreams have i already given up for him?

i'll be 28 this year. i've never really done anything i ever wanted to. i've always been a good girl, listening and obeying whatever authority that has been placed above me. i've always been prim and proper. and even when i had to see each of my dreams and ideals crumble slowly before me, i cried and cried till the cows came home but i still accepted it by the grace of God.

and now that we are in the midst of preparing a wedding that i have no idea where to begin from because we have so many concerns and advices coming from so many people, i only have one thing to say:

make it happen.

| Dreams |

you know how people have dreams and aspirations to do something or be someone? so being human, naturally over the years, i'd grown to have my own sets of dreams and ideals too, even though i don't publicly talk about it or announce them.

today one dream re-visited me again. albeit talking about this many times before and knowing how impossible it is to achieve, i still can't seem to let it go.

australia was one such dream.
and now this was another dream.

maybe that's why they are called dreams, because they never make it to reality.

as much as i love the fiancé, its sad that these 2 dreams were shattered by him...and it still hurts when i think about it sometimes. those were missed opportunities that we can never chase 'em back again.

so while he's trying hard to make up for lost time, making promises im praying he'll be able to keep, i on the other hand am working real hard in letting these 2 dreams go, and hopefully by the time i walk down the aisle, i would have completely let 'em both go.

| Bridal Shop |

notice the wedding ticker/countdown on the left side of my blog?

didnt realise it'll be that long before the big day so the ticker really came as a shock to me! haha nevertheless, it will serve as a useful reminder when i forget. *tsk

was suppose to visit the bridal shop today to discuss about the wedding shoot and stuff, but the fiancé is unwell and so he's settling everything via the telephone. i know that its a tad too early to choose the gowns now, especially since i had already been lectured by the fiancé, but i was really kinda looking forward to making a trip there today.

i guess donning the wedding gown and being a bride will always be every girls' dreams. i just dunno when will it really really be my turn. do you think i will cry when that day comes? ah, enough of being sappy and emo already! my posts haven't been any positive of late and i need to get my act together.

i'll be good and go home early. besides, its jogging day today anyway so its just as well.

♥ i like her hairdo!

| No More |

i've just been counselled on how its "ungodly" of the fiancé and myself to be travelling alone when we are not married.

who can i blame?
issit the society we live in now? the role models in my life? or the fact that we will only wed in 2012?

so i've been advised to abstain from travelling alone with him until we are married, lest we "stumble" other Christians along the way.

well for your info, come May 2011, i would have been with the fiancé for 10years; of which, we have been engaged for 7 years. even though we will only wed in 2012, i think we would have at least earned some rights to holiday together alone, no?

NO.

im upset. its an awfully long time to not travel anywhere and just stay in singapore from now until 2012. plus lesser chance of importing more pretty clothes for Seven Dresses. :(

people always say "be yourself", but when we are really, they can't handle it and even bring God's name out. what else can i say? i've been living my life as such before i knew of this "truth", which could be real truth, or "truth" that was imagined by men.

talk is cheap. its so easy for people to say/advise/preach/teach. you think its easy being together for 10 years and not be able to do many things without someone telling you it wrong/unacceptable/ungodly?!

HOW MANY OF YOU CAN STAND UP AND TELL ME YOU'VE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SAME PERSON FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS WITHOUT BEING MARRIED AND THINK THAT ITS EASY MAINTAINING IT?

if anyone can look me in the eye and say its easy to find/do novel things without leaving the country then i'll SHUT my mouth and swallow all my grievances once and for all.

they say length does not matter. well im saying now, TAKE LENGTH INTO CONSIDERATION the next time you wanna talk to me about what is right and what is wrong.

im still leaving tomorrow nevertheless, and we'll be extra careful. journey mercy and prayers for safety will still be accepted but nothing else.

peace.

| Tension |

its friday and I'm barely on my way to work now, and so it means that I'll be pretty late. regardless, am extremely pleased with the way technology has advanced - I can now blog while on the go!

I realise that in my earlier post, I had written on the impending "appraisal" I was due to have with my boss that fateful Monday. it did happen, just that it wasn't like what I expected. for me, it was a less-than-5mins kinda thing whereas he took about an hour with the other staff. reason for the difference? i still have my doubts.

I guess this is what I'm really trying to say:

never mind about the fact that you added new and heavier job scope to my current portfolio WITHOUT any pay increment;
never mind about the fact that I am a darn GRADUATE and still I'm not within the market rate in terms of salary;
never mind about the fact that I do whatever tasks I'm given to the best of my ability, including those jobs that no graduate in the right mind would wanna do and most of the time without complaining, even though I do make careless mistakes sometimes;

but now that I'm asking for the company to reimburse my mobile bills because my number is now given out to almost every international party whom I will probably be expecting calls from (and which I already had the other night), and still he wants to deny me!?

unbelievable.

so today he wants to speak with me regarding this matter and my hunch? he won't allow it.

I had already previously refrained myself from confronting him regarding the increased workload and no pay increment, but today I may just spill it all out.

Father, please help me control myself and continue to submit to the authority Yoi have placed over me later in that talk. I pray for wisdom to know how to rebut him and at the same time, for Your will to be done - whether I should stick on in this job or move on, in Jesus' name I pray, amen.

| Mind Games |

12.27am and i can't sleep.

many things are weighing my mind now but the top issue is the performance appraisal that i am scheduled with my boss tomorrow..i think.

seemed like just yesterday that i joined this company but its almost 1.5 years that i've been here.

my boss isn't exactly the most accomodating person around..mostly because he is a foreigner so culture, tradition and what-nots are after all very different. i remember in my initial 3 months with him, we spent the most intense time together - something which i would rather not remember, mention or go through again.

so to very honest, i am terrified of this appraisal tomorrow. i do not know what nasty/horrible/hurting/demeaning thing he would say to me again but i sure hope that i would be strong enough to accept whatever he has to say. God's grace would be sufficient for me.

i mean, what's the worst that could happen? i'll just be given a poor grade for the darn appraisal that i created and not be given any increment, right?

i mean, if the authority that God has placed upon me has decided that i am not fit for an increment or a good appraisal grade, then i would have no choice but to accept the outcome with grace right?

fine. so that settles that.

another thing is, since a few months ago, he had asked for me to widen my job scope because he think that i have "alot of room to learn". simply decoded, he means that i am too free at work and instead of spending my time surfing the net, msn-ing and more recently gtalk-ing, facebook-ing, and sometimes even movie-watching, i'd better do something useful before i resign or am asked to leave.

so of course i accepted his proposal. did i have a choice? no.

and so being the innate thinker that i am, i have been pondering on why he would want to give me this additional workload and below are my conclusions:

1) he values me too much and doesn't want me to resign (outta boredom). so to keep me, he decided that it would be good for me to learn something new and spend my time more wisely. by doing so, i would feel more accomplished (fulfilling my self-actualisation need under Maslow's hierarchy of needs) because i now have a new challenge and something to look forward too so i wouldn't leave.

2) he's sick and tired of my mundane routine of wasting my precious time and the company's resources. so its either he gives me this workload and i accept, OR i would be asked to leave.

which is which?

*sigh

its hard playing mind games. i just want to live a very simple life, can?

| Surprise Surprise! |

♥ surprise!

in a short span of 2 months, i'd been so blessed to have received more surprises than i could actually bargain for at any one point of time in my life.

the fiancé, i must say, is getting better at planting surprises for me! *beams*

although the trip to Bali wasn't a surprise in itself, everything else that came along that 3D2N was - the photography that was experiential, and most importantly, the proposal in Bali *blushes*.

i mean seriously, what are the chances that i or anyone for that matter, would have the honour of being flown to an exotic island, be waited upon like a princess every step of the way, and then be swept away with a marraige proposal by the only guy i ever loved in my life?

answer: zero.

call the fiancé a hopeless romantic, but he sure did win me over effortlessly.

and even when he was away on a business trip in Shanghai, he bought Tiffany & Co's signature pendant (above pic) just before he left and hid it somewhere in my room, giving me extremely vague clues to work with.

haha but it was his entertainment for me. he had hoped that lil treasure hunt would take my mind off missing him but i have to say, that was an uphill task especially after close to a decade of constantly seeing him, i'll never get used to not seeing/hearing from him for more than a day.

only thing i don't understand is: how on earth did he manage to hide stuff so quietly in my room?

| when Man tries to play God... |

yesterday while i was on Facebook, i saw my friend 'liked' the Action for Singapore Dogs (ASD) page. out of curiosity, i clicked on it and 'liked' it too and started reading. slowly i got directed to their main website where i would spend the next hour reading and crying over some of the most heartwrenching fates these poor dogs suffered.

it wasn't an emotional and hasty decision that i made, rather, it was something i had always wanted to do - help these dogs.

read on and realised i could do my part in sponsoring them i.e. by pledging a monthly maintenance fee of $35. the money mainly helps to defray the high costs of (dog) living plus medication that some of them require etc.

and like the kids we will be sponsoring in Uganda and Sri Lanka under the Cornerstone Kids' Sponsorship Programme (believe the page has not been updated for 2011 yet), i will also be sponsoring 2 dogs here in Singapore under the ASD. best part is, we get to visit and play with them at Lim Chu Kang! in addition, i have also pledged to sponsor another child in Uganda under Seven Dresses too!

im so thrilled at these opportunities that are knocking on my door! not many people have the chance to help the people/animals that they want to and i am so thankful i am given both these chances.

for the Lord has so graciously blessed us in abundance, with no worry of food, shelter and safety here in Singapore, its time we step outta our comfort zone and start blessing others by contributing a little.

| Relationships |

what would it take for something to break?
what would it take for someone to be lost and never return?

people say when the hurt is done, no amount of regret will set things back again.
but don't we serve a Living God who makes miracles? then why does the impossible seem impossible when we know jolly well if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, it will be made possible?

my heart feels sad when i think about 3 individuals who very unfortunately, are involved in a love triangle...or so it seems.

you would think its silly for both girls to fall out because of the guy.
BUT they could have fallen out because of how one girl hurt the other girl unknowingly.

*sigh

-----------------

the fiancé is flying to Shanghai on monday for a work trip again and after the KL incident, it just spells trouble. am trying not to think about it and let nature take its course.

when will it be my turn though? to go overseas for a business trip? that will be the day, HA!

speaking of which, can i whine?

i miss being busy. as odd as it may sound, i wanna be flooded with work the minute i step into office at 9am, be swarmed by emails until lunch time, have lunch, and then be whisked away again by the amount of work that needs my expertise (which i may not know what that is now BUT im certain i'll find that out soon) until 5.30pm.

yeah, thats the kind of life i miss - being important.

i miss bitching around with someone regarding work.
i miss having email wars and typing mean emails to "shoot" the other person 'cause i know i'll always win HA.
i miss wearing smart corporate office wear to work.
i miss sitting in meetings and learning new stuff.
i miss LEARNING NEW IMPRESSIVE STUFF that will wow me.
i miss ignoring the fiancé and not calling him throughout the day because im so busy i don't have time for him so then it'll be HIS turn to miss me.
i even miss OT-ing sometimes.

*double sigh

maybe i should resign and find myself a job with better prospects and give up Seven Dresses or spend lesser time on it? not to say that this job doesn't have any prospects, its just that barely a year into this job and im beginning to wonder what my purpose is in here?

can it be solely for Seven Dresses?

or maybe i should really take up operations on top of my job scope to increase my value and time in here?

seeking God for an answer.

-----------------

a friend is upset with the fiancé for something he did playfully which unknowingly hurt him. though this friend has said that he's no longer upset with the fiancé, my guess is it'll be pretty hard to get him out for any gathering in future.

friendships are fragile. i've seen how because of something so trivia can end a friendship and distant two people for years. though forgiveness is the key here, who would have the magnanimity (and knowledge) to forgive when you are only 11yrs old? thats why i dont have much friends. in my childhood, i've hurt far too many precious people who do not wish to be my close friends anymore. and even if they are still friends with me, they are mostly superficial.

of all that i've hurt, i remember vividly the one closest friend i had in primary 5 whom i hurt so badly that she never spoke to me again - even when we went up to secondary school together. until now i still feel so bad i would tear when i think about it. we could have been the best-est friends ever...but that wasn't too be.

i see her on facebook now all happy, accomplished and married. i feel so happy for her. truly, from the bottom of my heart.

did i go off-topic? ahh still on friendship. so yes, i don't want the fiancé to lose a friend just like that because they could be so much more if the friendship remains. i hope things go well.

-----------------

have you ever heard of a sabbatical from cell group/church/God? i mean its strange isnt it? that anyone would want a break from God where He's obviously omnipotent and hence always with us?

totally unacceptable.

do we humans, even have the right to request that God be away from us for awhile? NO! its just crap.

-----------------

you know i have SO MUCH i wanna say! this is what happens when i stop blogging for awhile. TONS of things i need to shout out.

last evening we attended an Indian wedding in an Indian temple just across my office. it was the fiancé's old friend who was getting hitched. apart from the cultural experience, it must have been at least 3-4 years since they last saw this boy and maybe about a year or two with the other 2 friends whom attended as well. everyone changed and everyone is different now. but you could tell that he was so happy and touched to see 3 of his primary school friends turn up for his big day. so nice.

of these 2 friends whom i know as well, im sorta closer with one than the other. and in the midst of our conversation when he said there was no need to bring his girlfriend along, his reply was "you wanted to follow tz one what".

*speechless*

that caught me. i was apalled because that sentence seemed to have implied that i never gave the fiancé his freedom, that i would always wanna follow wherever he went. while that may be true to a certain extent, i do not shamelessly follow or insist that he brings me out for every function where i am not welcomed or allowed to be in. so let me get this straight once and for all - IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN, OUT OF HIS OWN HEART TO SHOW HIS GIRLFRIEND OFF TO THE WORLD THAT HE BROUGHT ME ALONG WHEREVER HE WENT. period.

the audacity of some people really amazes me sometimes.

and one more thing. we will only wed in the first half of 2012. not anytime sooner. if you would like to get married first, please, by all means. we will be very happy to bless you and your wife-to-be at your wedding. there's really no need to ask ME, ALONE when we are getting hitched the minute the fiancé walked away to get a drink.

???

maybe he didnt mean anything bad, but i just want to complain. so just live with it.

| Dear John |

Dear John was a movie i always wanted to watch. especially after reading The Notebook some time ago; they're from the same author by the way. and everytime we have our DVD marathons, the DVD shop would somehow always run outta this DVD for some strange reasons. glad we managed to rent the LAST one on monday.

watched a lil yesterday and i cant wait to finish the rest tonight because i hate being left hanging in the air.

since i couldn't contain my curiosity, i went to google on the ending (sucha spoiler i know) and found out that Savannah married someone else - the guy with the autistic boy in the end?!

major sadness. especially with a hunk like Channing Tatum. oops, the fiancé better not read this! HAHA

anyway, till tonight!

| Love, Redefined |

the fiancé finally called at 12.30am.

his excuse? his new N8 hung and died on him several times.

HAHA

and somehow it didn't occur to him to find another way to contact me.

*Ouch

ladies and gentlemen, may I present love, redefined - a fiancé's love
for his fiancée. guess that's how important i am to him.

so now I am trying to come to terms with love that had been redefined
by today's display.

it's hard but I'm going to have to try or I'll probably never find
love again.

why cry over spilled milk?
why hurt over something u chose to give up?
why grumble when u could have had it all but you lost focus halfway?

another chance?

nah.

| Contact-less |

the fiancé is away on a company retreat in KL. the last i heard of him was this morning at 9 odd.

his mobile is off, i can't find a number to call the hotel he's staying in, he's basically contactless and its not making me feel secure at all.

what would it take for him to just leave his mobile on while he is out shopping the whole day away?

empty promises again. i should have known.

| BALI Photography |

we had so much fun in Bali that i dunno where to begin! when i have the time, i will slowly blog about it. in the meantime, here are just 3 outta the 200 over pictures we took in 2 hours. enjoy!

♥ nah, this wasn't the actual proposal; we were just fooling around


♥ innocence


♥ you and i

| BALI - The Proposal |

Our Lil Secret

albeit 9.5 years together,
my heart unknowingly skipped a beat when he got down on one knee.

admist the Balinese night sky litted with the stars and the moon,
and frogs, cats and insects nearby serenading us,
dipped in our warm private pool - only him and me,
he looked at me with such tenderness,
one hand on my face and said "baby, baby";
i melted.

my heart thumped harder and louder,
i wonder if he could hear.
my face was flushed with redness,
at that time i only wanted to hide in his embrace.

and then he professed his love,
spontaneous, unscripted, unrehearsed.
"i love you so much" and

"i want to spend the rest of my life with you and God",
"will you be my wife?"

no fancy photograpers, no help from anyone,
just him and his down-to-earth sincerity -
the same reason why i first fell for him.

and just like that, i said yes.

there was no room for rejection;
he staged a perfectly romantic ambience;
it was simply overwhelming.

he did it; he made me fall in love with him all over again.
and though i am still a lil girl in many ways,
i promise to work hard to be his missus.

no longer a princess,
now i want to be the Queen of his heart.

| BALI - our couple time |

following the popular movie - Eat Pray Love, and the promotion by Garuda Indonesia for those in the travel industry - we are going to Bali this sunday for a 3D2N getaway cum birthday celebration for yours truly!

the fiancé said to leave everything to him; i just need to avail myself and get ready to enjoy quality time with him. :)

we'll be staying here

looks pretty good plus raving reviews on tripadvisor so they definitely up my expectations to a notch higher. hope i won't be terribly disappointed.

fun aside.

the coincidences couldn't have come at a better time. we really needed this break. so much have happened in the last 2 months that had us thinking very seriously on how to put our relationship back on track.

especially since our marriage prep course (MPC) which ended with a grand finale at a retreat in Pulai Springs Resort, JB; we've had the most heart-to-heart experience and talk with each other. we had to face our impending issues one-by-one, trashed 'em out so that from now till the big day, we would not be carrying too much "excess baggages" into our new life together. the class may have ended, but there's still alot to be done and we're working on it. albeit 9.5 years together, i suspect we had/have more problems than any of our couple-classmates in all of MPC's terms. after all, we're almost a decade old. ;p

so its just purely couple time for us this weekend.

BALI - let me fall in love with you all over again :)

| Australia |

the year that we graduated from TP, i should have gone to aussie with the big sista. she was gonna do her degree in UQ for 2 years, though it eventually got extended another year due to her remarkable results which saw her being offered the honour's programme.

so i started working in 2004, not expecting to work all the way and forfeit my last chance of being a full-time student.

i guess when we were young, being so madly in love was all there was to life. studies, marriage, the future - it all didnt seem to matter. looking back, it was a foolish decision to stay behind with the boyfriend, even though he promised we'll do our studies together in aussie after his NS.

he only fulfilled half of that promise.

2 years of NS came and went, we started on our studies together with Monash but financially, it had to be done locally. the boyfriend promised again and said we'll do our final year in melbourne. changes in our modules and the whole study structure meant that our study time of 2 years would be stretched and completed only after the 3rd year. though it was painful mugging schoolwork and working full-time, i still held on to that promise that we'll do our final year in aussie. final year also came and went and the last compromise - we'll go in our last semester. though that was said, i knew in my heart that aussie will never happen.

and so it never did. 3 times he promised, 3 times he failed to deliver. what would it take for a girl to give up completely? you tell me.

1.5 years ago, we finally graduated with Monash. it was suppose to be our grad trip but it never happened because of SARS. in the end, we went to Korea for the first time last christmas.

now, by God's grace, we are presented with another chance of aussie by way of a small sponsorship. it'll be a dream come true for me but i wonder if it'll really happen?

and so the story goes - Australia will always be this regret and pain that the boyfriend/fiancé so conveniently inflicted on me.

| Types |

the fiancé said there are 2 types of blogger in this world:

1) those that blog their innermost thoughts and feelings
2) those that blog only about superficial happy stuff

i belong to category 1.

yet i hate being in that category at the same time.
sick and tired of whinning and getting all teary and upset over things i have no control over.

its taken a toll on me and my life and especially my Seven Dresses. im sure people must be wondering what is up with the owner who can't seem to get a grip of herself on most days?! i don't deny the fact that i do feel extremely lifeless and tired...like everything that was said and done the past month was surreal.

maybe.

but ive witnessed the power of God in this whole situation. apart from fear gripping my heart and wisdom beginning to show, its also the constant pain and heartache that i feel - emotions that i will not possibly share with another human.

its really true that if God is for you, then nothing will be against you.
but if we use mere human strength and go against God's will, then you'll know ahead of you will be obstacles after obstacles.

so i choose to give up.
i relinquish this thought that was never meant to be.
and i'll make sure it will never happen even if its supposedly 'the time'.

let me be wilful the last time, and decide to remain status quo for now, forever.