| Some Updates |

Its finally down to 1 month, 22 days.

Seemed like a long wait for this to finally happen. HAHA!
I honestly cannot wait for it to come and go and then our lives would be back to normal, right?

Right.

In the midst of the wedding preparations, I cannot help but think of what the purpose really is of a wedding?
Why so much fuss over 1 day only to tell people a few years down the road that “yeah, we’ve also done the big white wedding thing before”?

The weariness aside, I am extremely thrilled to be reporting that yes, I will be having my very own hen’s party!!!
I am uber eggcited about it ever since my jiemeis met up last Sunday and oh I cannot wait for 14 Apr to come.
Its been an awfully loooong while since I had an all girls’ party. Hee ;p

And also, the honeymoon is booked and confirmed! That’s another thing to look forward too!
The sun, the sand and the sea – oh how I’ve missed you!

I’ve been withering slowly for as long as I have been hiding away from the sun, and particularly not being able to swim (yesh not even in the night!) or be exposed in the sun for too long because its make-up artist’s instructions. Am I really that tanned? Who dictates that brides have to be all white and fair-skinned anyway? *hmpf

Then it just hit me - im looking forward to everything else except the wedding itself! HAHAHAHAHA!

Well, but in the words of Edward Cullen, “(the wedding) is an important rite of passage” and only once we go through that would we be happily married and for the honeymoon and the rest to follow through!

What else do I want to say?

Oh yes, the video, our video.
Credits to my entire family - Daddy Chia, Mommy Chia, Dajie & Jedi Kor, Erjie & Tommi Kor, Russ and Piccolo.

We’re almost done; we are just left with the final scene and we would require external help for that.
But in the meantime, check this out!

| A Lesson on Religion |

you know after being in a relationship for 10.5 years, close to 11, you would think Daniel and I have gone through the worst storms life could possibly throw at us.

but we were sorely wrong.

we are getting married on 12 May, in about 3.5 months' time and we are currently planning a wedding that is not our own at all. opinions after opinions we have to seek and to make sure everyone else (except us) is happy before we can proceed.

and especially when the topic is on religion. do you think I am unaffected by all that is going on around me?

wrong again.

I have been exposed to Christianity since I was a little girl and more so coming from Katong Convent. my grandmother who was a devout Catholic brought us to church whenever my parents had to leave town for work and she came to stay with us. from a tender age, I knew a God existed. when I was 12, I opted for a Catechism class in school instead of doing some weird moral education class. that was when I learnt more about Christ and what He has done for us, for the world.

at the end of my primary school education, my eldest sister started attending FCBC and was fast becoming a full-fledged Christian.

I remember quarrelling and getting really upset with her when she told me Mother Mary was just a human, an earthly instrument that God chose to bring Jesus into the world. and like all humans, she died. there was no other mention of her in the bible after Jesus rose from the dead and His ascension. the bible I am quoting here by the way, is the one with only 66 books and not the one that Catholics use.

so you see, what I initially believed, like the Roman Catholics, was very different when it came to the Protestant Christians.

I remember frantically searching through the bible for any evidence that Mother Mary may still be alive and that she somehow became a goddess like how the Catholics taught. but there was none. I broke down and slowly accepted that truth. that cry was freedom, that cry was God setting me free.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." John 8:32

thereafter, I attended FCBC with my sister and even witnessed her baptism as soon as she turned 21.

so I've been a Christian ever since I could remember and had also been prophesised over how my life would soar on eagle’s wings and would make my parents, especially my mother be so proud of me.

of course in-between, my parents being Buddhists got me to be the "god-child" of the Goddess of Mercy since I was an infant, I think. I had no prior knowledge to what this goddess had done for me or for the world. I only yielded to holding the joss sticks, mediums prediction of the future either by jumping around or by blowing air into my face, any and everything my parents wanted me to do when I was a child simply because they wanted it, I listened and I did it out of respect.

but when I was about 15, I told my parents I wanted to be baptised too. they said no and like my sister, I had to wait till I was old enough at 21 before I could be baptised. but my parents are very reasonable people and that’s why I love them so much, they asked me why I was in a rush to get baptised. my answer in my 15 year-old mind was simply this, “Jesus is coming back soon and I wanna be ready when He comes”. they accepted my reason and I was born again on 21 March, 1998.

however, not all parents are that reasonable. of course I can understand where they are coming from – like suddenly their child is no longer the same anymore. but having almost reached 30 years of age, don’t you think its time to let go?

sure there are some Christians who profess their faith in Christ and yet still hold joss sticks and pray to other gods. there are also those who still go to temples for whatever reasons. yet there are some who do not mind bowing or kneeling in front of tablets, idols, pictures etc.

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister." Romans 14:13

every single one of us will be asked to give an account to God on Judgement Day on why we did certain things and said certain words. those whom we have hurt, and those actions we did to cause others to stumble.

"So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God." (Romans 8:12)

being a Christian, I firmly believe in a one thing:

“You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments." Exodus 20:4-6

"Do not make idols or set up an image or a sacred stone for yourselves, and do not place a carved stone in your land to bow down before it. I am the LORD your God.” Leviticus 26:1

I will bow and even kneel to anyone alive, if it required of me. but that’s where it ends. I will not bow or kneel to an altar with a craved image and a tablet. that is beyond me as a Christian because I am a child of God now, I belong to Jesus. And Jesus would not have me bow to any idols.

"So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord." Romans 14:8

and because IF I bow/kneel/hold joss sticks to other gods or craved images, then I will unconsciously be a stumbling block to non-christians present.

They would be thinking, “eh how come so-and-so who is a Christian can hold joss stick, can bow and kneel and pray to our ancestors or this god etc?”

even now, it is not our wedding day yet and we have already been challenged as to why this cousin who is a christian can do this and that whereas we cannot?

allow me to explain.

different people have different levels of faith. different people also have different walks with our Lord Jesus. so with their level of faith, maybe they think its ok to do certain things, but at where I am, I am unable to do so simply because I have no other gods except Yahweh.

i will give my due respect to people who are alive. period.

| 16 Dec 2011 - 3rd day of Mission Trip |

16 Dec
we woke up @ 5am today as we had two places to visit today. i had the most restful night's sleep the second night as my first night was a wreck with freezing aircon blowing in my face and on my head and i only had a thin bedsheet as a blanket. :/ thank God for nice roomies; one of them offered their thick quilt to me. it was bliss thereafter. :D

1) Women's Prison
during one of our team's meeting, we were given a brief itinerary for our trip which was of course - subject to changes - and amidst the schedules were that of visiting the women's prison. i remember my reaction then and it was not pleasant reason being when we first signed up for this mission trip, it was more of a children's ministry. so when i saw "Women's Prison" on the list, i freaked out. but God is forever good, He gave me mighty grace on the actual day and i was able to overcome my fears as we approached the gates to the prison.

our tasks here were mainly to minister to a bunch of women, most of whom had been sentenced to life imprisonment either because of murder; drug trafficking or simply helping someone do time so that they get monetary compensation for their families outside. my first impression of the prison and it was actually quite happening, haha! they were playing loud pop music in one area and performances and dances in another area. we girls, had to have an ink stamped onto our wrist to differentiate visitors from the inmates, whereas those guys in berms were told to wear jogging pants before they were allowed in, though it did not happen in the end.

we were later on led deeper into the premises and into a hall for a time of sharing. on our way in, we witnessed their way of life in the prison and it was actually not as bad as i had imagined. firstly there were three different grading system: those who wore brown meant minimum sentence; those in blue meant that they had to serve a medium sentence; and finally, those in orange, which also translated to maximum correction, were sentenced to life imprisonment - and these were the women who were mainly in that hall waiting for our arrival.

when we got there, they all arose to greet us with wide smiles; it was very nice of them. praise and worship started shortly after. though it was the "dracula-sounding" organ they used to orchestrate the worship, it was the women's angelic singing that really got to us. they sang with all their hearts and might, like there was no tomorrow. and if i had any inkling of how the angels in heaven sound when they sing, that would be it. the Holy Spirit was clearly present and all of us teared - i've never heard a choir sing till i teared; that was the first and it was amazing.

shortly after praise and worship, Pastor Hazeil took over and introduced both teams and straightaway she called out for those who prepared a testimony. of the three testimonies, my team leader's message was the strongest. she talked about the book of Ruth in the Bible, specifically about Naomi, Ruth's mother-in-law. her life was a wreck, after having lost her husband and son almost immediately, the turning point in her life was when she made the decision to return to the Lord. good things followed after and the Lord blessed her richly through her daughter-in-law Ruth. it was so apt and encouraging for a bunch of women who had sinned for whatever reason, lost all earthly hope but who found hope in Jesus. believing in Him gives us the assurance that there is a life after this that promises eternal happiness.

Pastor Kathy was a real comedian and she made the crowd go wild just by laughing. PH later told us, these women have never been so happy before. it was heart-breaking to know that.

most of the conversations took place in tagalog so when they suddenly stood up and sang a song for us in their own language, all of us were shocked and wanted to stand in return. but PH told us its ok to sit, they were singing a thank you song to us and my heart sank - the sincerity in the eyes, the angelic singing, the bowing and the tears made each and every one of us cry. thats thankfulness in its purest form.

you know? doing mission work isn't about us and how we are being thanked or shown gratitude too; its about us, simply telling and reassuring them that we all have an eternal Hope who will return for us.

and knowing that they will have visitors, they also handmade lil keepsakes for us in the shape of a heart; we all kept one. :)

the service or program was kept strictly to 1.5 hours. so on their way out, we distributed the goodie bag - which we packed the night before - to each of them. again what grateful hearts they kept thanking us.

they were also another bunch who were extremely cheerful despite their earthly fate. instead of blessing them, i had been blessed so much more by them. it was then did i realise, i have so much more to learn.

to be continued...2) Launch of Porridge Patrol

| The Joy of the Lord will be My Strength |

the past six days seemed surreal - but i still recall everything that I felt during the mission trip - from heartache to pain; from tears to totally appreciating what it truly means when we say that the joy of our Lord will be our strength.

indeed it was thought-provoking.

15 Dec - The First Assignment of Our Mission @ an Old Folks' Home

This was mainly a feeding program and our tasks included distributing packets of bee hoon (we had to put a piece of fried chicken into each packet), cut and distribute a piece of Christmas log cake each.

Prior to this mission trip, we had already been pre-warned of their living conditions and that most of them are not saved yet. Pastor Hazeil, through our team leader, had prepared us mentally but the truth was hard to bear.

Upon reaching, I smelt a foul stench coming from the inside (I have very sensitive nose so even the slightest bad smell and I would know). When we were finally allowed to go inside the compound, we noticed that there were urine stains in their rooms, along the corridor and almost everywhere else which were the result of the stench.

As we ventured deeper, there were some old folks that were locked up, literally. We visited their sleeping area and all they had was a metal bed with no mattress and very thin cloths which they used as blankets. They couldn't leave their rooms unless someone from the outside opened the door reason being, the workers were afraid they would hurt themselves or get lost if they were allowed to roam around freely as some, if not most, are senile. The old folks that were “locked up” mostly shared rooms and had 4 roommates. Then there were the “more normal” old folks whom were allowed to be on their own – these shared a bigger room with maybe about 8-10 people. And in one of those rooms, we were told an old granny died not too long ago while waiting for food; she was all wrapped up (from head to toe) and was left there.

Before I continue, there is a need to clarify that the workers (or some volunteers) at the home were extremely short-handed. It was a ratio of 1 worker to about 15-20 old folks. They were overworked and underpaid, yet they still have very good hearts to continue helping the old folks.

And it happened that our visit to the home coincided with a Christian radio station that did a Christmas program there which lasted for about 3 hours. Amidst the program, they also packed some necessities and gave to each old folk and they were all very happy. It was also a mini appreciation time for the workers of the home whom we all knew worked very hard; some even teared.

Of course there were some old folks that were demanding and agitated but it was all under control. We saw 2 grannies fighting over a plastic bag and immediately, we found another plastic bag to give the other so they would stop. It was later on that we understood that the old folks used plastic bags to keep all their possessions – they were afraid that it would be stolen and so some of them would actually carry a plastic bag wherever they go – some even hid the plastic bags underneath their clothes. Then it dawned upon me: was that all they had to their name in this lifetime? Everything important and/or precious all stuffed into the size of an NTUC plastic bag? It was heartbreaking.

♥this old man hid one, maybe two plastic bags under his t-shirt♥

But despite these, the old folks were all smiles to see us – people visiting them – and the innocence that they portrayed were that of little children. I was touched. Their joy in the Lord was evident. It is a simple decision - to live each day as if it were their last and to enjoy every second of it even though they had been abandoned by their children and the government is slowly withdrawing the funds.

And because the atmosphere was dreary, PH told us to bring the guitar along, go to each row and room to sing Christmas carols to lift the spirit of hopelessness.

What I've Learnt:

While the radio program was running, we were invited to go to the front to sing Joy to the World (again) to the audience. When it ended, they requested for us to sing another song and this time, in mandarin. It was an “oh-no” moment for many of us and thank God, 3 out of the 12 of us knew one mandarin song and so they started the ball rolling and the rest of us just mouthed the words, haha! We were stressed out for that moment but I've learnt that the Lord holds His promises true when He said that we will not be tested beyond what we can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).

♥our humble little performance♥

Later on, the fiancé and another girl from the other team were asked to address the audience by giving simple words of exultation and what the fiancé said amazed me. He said that he came with the intention to give, but he received so much more in return. This was especially so when he saw how some of the old folks, mainly those who have received salvation, displayed such joy and happiness that indeed, the Lord’s joy became their strength (Nehemiah 8:10). Having been abandoned; with no proper bed to sleep on in the night; some were handicapped/crippled that required crawling to get from one place to another; and mostly not being satisfied because they do not enough food to eat everyday; - how can anyone still maintain that smile and joy? If its not because of the hope they have in Christ, they would probably not have the strength to continue living as these circumstances would have eaten them up by now.

And if a packet of fried bee hoon with a piece of fried chicken plus a slice of log cake is enough for your one meal, think about how these old folks would actually split it into 2 portions for the night as they tend to get hungry (which we heard was quite often). So the workers had to cook additional plain rice for the old folks to eat the bee hoon, chicken and log cake with.

♥us packing the chicken wing into the bee hoon♥

♥us cutting the log cake♥

♥lola happy after receiving a new pair of slippers♥

Coming from Singapore and having lived in comfort all my life, I know how picky I am with food and fussy with the rest. To see old people eat food like that broke my heart. And here I am, with all the choices and variety set before me every single day and still I complain. When? When will I finally be contented with all that I already have?

I need to be broken again.

| Restless |

its so unlike me to post so many pictures at one go (in recent years at least)..so there's gotta be one explanation - im just too R.E.S.T.L.E.S.S!

*screams*

tons of work waiting for me to clear but weekend mode has already kicked in and im just waiting for my weekly meeting @ 430pm and then i'll just count the time until its 6pm. HAHA!

i know. like what's wrong with me right?

well, but im actually quite depressed with the way things are progressing in this office especially the constant changes; i should have known - stupid company!

wedding preps have also officially started and we've been facing huge problems pertaining to our photoshoot locations, some kok-ups with the gowns and so we had to re-schedule our photoshoot for the THIRD time plus so many other things to worry about.

why must we get married??? HAHA!

plus our mission trip is just next week and im so nervous because its my first time.

AAHHHH im this close to breaking down again but i mustn't; i must be strong. God help me!

♥pretty?♥

♥used a photo-editing app on iPhone to transform this, pretty cool eh?♥


♥my current favorite!♥

| Old Friends |

Old friends are the best, aren’t they?

Over the past weeks, I’ve made a conscious effort in actually meeting the people I said I would meet instead of just saying it. Because procrastination is a stumbling block to building/strengthening relationships. Looking at these precious people whom I’ve met so far (and more to come) – I realize we could have been so much more - we could have been much better friends and built stronger friendships.

Nevertheless, the highlight of course involved cam-whoring, bitching, and some "sharing" aka gossip sessions! We should do this more! :)

♥the three of us since poly days!♥


♥since KC days!♥

| Have You Ever? |

Have you ever been so stress that you will just sit there, stare into space and start weeping?

I did.

It was only yesterday that this happened. And it freaked the fiancé out.

Is it my failure to handle stress or is everything simply too overwhelming that it caught me off-guard?

Even this morning I was still weeping on my way to work. During my lunch break and I suddenly broke down in tears too.

WHAT IS WRONG?!

I will not blame anyone or anything that happened, only that I'm sorry it did.

And it is now that I'm finally beginning to understand why some people have suicidal thoughts or run into depression because I think that's me right now.

Maybe I just need to be alone to collect myself again. Maybe I just need alot of rest to do the things that I've always wanted to do. Maybe I just need Jesus. Maybe......

| Dates, Dates, Dates |

while half the world is fussing over today being 11.11.11,

i would like to urge the rest of the world to keep this date in mind, 12.05.12.

hehehe. TGIF and toodles!





| Why? |

Why issit that some couples keep sucha low profile while planning their weddings and others simply have to fuss over it forgetting how it is suppose to be in God and your parents’ honour that they even wed in the first place?

Over the long weekend, apart from falling terribly sick, we had the opportunity to bless a couple at their church wedding. The beauty of this couple is that they kept it really low profile that we had no idea they were even throwing a dinner banquet - at Grand Hyatt no less - and even headed straight for their honeymoon! Okkayy I got slightly distracted there.

Back to the point. What I really wanted to say was their wedding ceremony was simple yet touching. After their holy matrimony, all the elders, leaders and pastors of the church were invited to pray for the new couple and amidst the prayers were very powerful prophetic words about their destiny together. I couldn’t stop tearing, really.

Wow.

So planning for my own wedding now, trust me, I know how hard it is to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes we just wanna shout it out to the world and hopefully as many people as possible catch a glimpse of that joy that’s in us. Yeah, that is what most couples are like. BUT, we are also audience/public-conscious. Meaning, we know how awkward or uncomfortable such enthusiasm makes some people, especially the singles as well as the to-be-brides/grooms feel, so we keep a nice balance.

I have been dying to blog this for awhile now, so just bear with me.

I have been a jiemei for about 4-5 times. While it is not a high occurrence, I am just trying to highlight my experience. Maybe the brides whom I’ve helped before were really humble, low-key, down-to-earth people with no RARA about them – the really nice people, which was why I readily agreed to help them.  But the latest one which I said yes to really tested my patience.

Allow me to exaggerate.

4-5 months before her wedding and she already linked up all her jiemeis via email. Fine. But more recently, starting a groupchat via whatsapp? That is just way overboard man. Look people, I have work. My new job is rather demanding and I have work, tons of it to follow through, tons of it to finish by a certain deadline. Seven Dresses can be quite demanding too but at least I don’t have msgs then keep going off for the entire day and sometimes even for dayS! By the end of the day, my phone batt is flat. Well done, isn’t it?

I get it, you’re excited about your wedding. So am I. But Hello, a lil bit of conscious here would be greatly appreciated, yes?

One more thing about her jiemeis is that one of them is trying to make the couple a surprise video where it would touch them to bits. Honestly, I didn’t sign up for any of these where it had to take up my extra time video-recording. I have no time, period. So when I told them very nicely how I really cannot chip in so much because Hello, I have my own wedding to get busy with, no one wanted to respond. Then they did (after some time), but it was quite a rude response.

And to my horror, I just found out how the gate-crashing was to be on separate weekends and it had to involve some sports. O.M.Y!

I almost died. Can I back out now, seriously? I am so accident-prone and have highly sensitive skin (atopic eczema) and barely 2 months to my own wedding and I have to do all these for you at the risk of hurting/harming myself?! I am honestly having second-thoughts.

Another thing. Meeting up.

How many of you know how shy and sometimes even anti-social I am if I don’t know you well enough? I can just sit there with you, face-to-face staring down at you for hours and not say a word simply because I don’t know you well. So here comes the happy bride-to-be trying to link everyone up 4 months before her actual day for buffets and high-teas and whatnots. Once in October, another in November. I won’t be surprised if there would be another in December, and even January.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am not a rich girl. I do not come from a wealthy family nor do I earn much a month and in fact, owning Seven Dresses and my nett worth is on the declining stage. So, when someone says to have buffets/high-teas on a monthly basis, what is my natural reaction? Painful of course. Why can’t you be a lil bit more considerate and think if others can afford such an extravagant lifestyle like you? One buffet or high-tea to discuss EVERYTHING and I am more than happy to oblige. But once every month? I am really not sure. 

And even if the bride-to-be pays for the meals at these meetings, won't we - on the receiving end - feel bad about her having to waste that kind of unnecessary money? I've a heart, you know?

So if you ask me why am I penning this? I’ll tell you why. Its because I need an outlet.

I’m happy for all the brides-to-be in the world – myself included – but please, be considerate.

| Awhile Now |

i've been trying to link this blog to my facebook for awhile now and i think im almost successful haha ;p

well, truth is, i have much to say.

after celebrating the fiance's birthday over the last 2 weekends and his 2-week long ICT, things are becoming back to normal. a lil glimpse of paradise and i was a happy girl again. :)

♥ you & i ♥

the sun, the sand and the sea - im definitely travel and holiday deprived. and the next thing to look forward to is our mission trip to the philippines in December.

♥ nature - loves ♥

♥ you & i ♥

♥ happy girl ♥

| "i don't think i can ever love anyone else as much as i love you" |

thats what the fiancé said to me the other night after we finished a heated argument.

he can be so sweet at times and so exasperating at the same time haha but well, guess no one is perfect and we all learn to love each other despite our weaknesses. i find this especially true since each day, we are getting closer and closer to being husband and wife.

came across this article on facebook the other day - posted by the big sista and trust me, definitely worth your 3 minutes:

Three Keys To A Great Marriage

"...A man shall leave his father and mother and the two shall become one flesh..." - Mark 10:7-8

There is a key verse on marriage that is found only once in the Old Testament and twice in the New. The theme is clear: We are to leave, cleave, and weave.

Leave - A man shall leave his mother and father. This is about prioritizing our spouse over parents, children, siblings, and friends. Our spouse should be our best friend. If you are married, and closer to any person other than your spouse, your priorities are out of whack!

Cleave - Cleave to his wife. The word cleave means to join fast together, to glue, or cement. These definitions imply there will always be pressures to pull the marriage apart. (Things like busyness, work, demands from children, money, health problems, infidelity, and so on). In short, marriage is about lifetime commitment.

Weave - The two shall become one flesh. Sexual intimacy and fulfillment is a by-product of a healthy marriage relationship. It symbolizes how a husband and wife become one.

Leave. Cleave. Weave. Three keys to a great marriage.

Credits: http://rightfromtheheart.org/devo/717#.Tp74JRZWjfs.facebook

| A Future? |

a leopard never changes its spots.

how true.

people who refuse to get help always fall right back into the same problem.

prestige, reputation, social-standing, surface beauty, peer pressure, "face".

and i can't help but wonder, is there a future? even if there is, it will definitely not be happily-ever-after.

| Letting Go |

"time flies". i've heard this two words resound many times today.

had wanted to blog about my first ever surgical procedure but looks like that would be another day.

today the ex-boss and his family returned home. tasked with setting up a new subisidiary, he left everything and came here with that mission 3 years ago bringing his family along with him. he was a good person who was tough; a great boss who treated me well - more than what i could have asked for. it was my lost.

i couldn't have asked for a better boss. and truly, it is in losing that i realise the value of what i once had. if there's ever a chance again, i would wanna work for him again.

there were many familiar faces today. at first, i was apprehensive about attending the dinner tonight but when i got there, that familiarity overwhelmed me, reminding me of how loved i once was.

i would never be in that position again because i've lost that right a long time ago.

im tired. emotionally, physically and mentally. i've been fighting the guilt game for awhile now and truth be said, i did heave a sigh of relief when i knew of his posting back home - at least that lessened my guilt. but after tonight, i realise i can never completely erase this baggage.

and so it goes, another chapter, another time that i can only watch from the outside because now, its time to finally let go.

| Randoms |

and it starts - I'm losing sleep.

guess being idle has its downs too.

it's officially been 5 weeks since I left employment..I wonder why am I even counting it.

miss fussing everyday over what to wear to work and miss being in my heels all day long. I buy clothes I don't even have the opportunity to wear now and heels I have nowhere to wear them to except during the weekends.

the only "work" that keeps me occupied is Seven Dresses and even then, it isn't anything so busy that it would occupy my whole day (except for when I'm packing and counting stock).

I've stopped sending out resumes for awhile now because I've become very disillusioned after being offered 4 jobs and either rejecting them or taking too long to consider. thought I knew what I wanted in a job and where I wanted my career to go from here but now I'm not so sure anymore.

and seeing the fiancé splurge his hard-earned money on haircut and a Gucci wallet, all in the name of "rewarding himself" and "relaxation" made me feel worser of myself - what am I doing still unemployed for so long?!

and please don't judge me because I am just pouring my heart now - that's what my blog is for.

but after having said all these, I do know what this means - that I must learn to trust entirely on God and in His providence. and only in His time will the right job come, but question is, how long more?

Pastor Yang spoke about Fulfillment last week and it was clear. he spoke briefly on fulfilling our individual destiny and it made me wonder what my destiny is in life.

prior to his message, Nat shared about body, soul and spirit and how the signs that appear in our lives may not necessarily be from God since the devil too, can conjure up signs and wonders especially now that we are in the last days. but more importantly, what stood out was how he mentioned that it is our spirit that communes with God and I thought to myself: how many times have I heard from God through my spirit? I confess how highly distracted a person I am and I lose focus easily. apart from that I am also an innate thinker where I constantly think about logic and how certain things make sense or not, and not to mention how I have my fair share of daydreams and stuff. so, when or how can my spirit finally take control and listen to what God is saying to me? I mean I envy those people whom can hear God so easily. of course, it could jolly well be from their own soul or spirit, but if they really have control over their spirit and are constantly communing with God, then wouldn't it be so wow? I wanna be one of them too but how?

being at the crossroads now, I start questioning about life and where I fit into God's big plan.

sometimes interviewers ask the silliest things but some of those questions do get me thinking.

well, but it's a milestone today. it's the day we select our HDB unit but I don't feel a thing save for a grateful heart. I am happy and looking forward to our own home (and a new one at that) but that would only be in the next 3-4 years' time. nevertheless, it could only be God's grace that has shown us favor that we have been given a unit.

and now, I think I'm ready to fall asleep.

| Photoshoot |

told myself no matter what, i must blog today.

well firstly to update: i rejected the third job offer after all. even though the location was considered in the east side, it was fairly difficult getting there so i dropped the whole idea. besides, i didn't like the fact that there was salary-negotiating involved - i think that prospective employers who do that are very cheap. haha no offence.

so now i'm still looking around for jobs, and i'm certain that the one job that God has for me hasn't come yet. and in the meantime, i am still finding myself, clearing up some stuff personally and for Seven Dresses as well, preparing here and there for my wedding next year. and yet in the midst of this light affliction, my hopes are lifted up a lil, but i shan't disclose anything until i can confirm something. till then.

and now, the thing that got me speechless - our photoshoot for Seven Dresses today.

*sigh

i admit i am not the best model around. im not good looking or slim enough; i have short legs and fat thighs; and the width of my hips is just indescribable. my arms are also flabby and i have a bulging tummy and the list goes on and on and on but i tried, and really hard today in fact. i've even gotten the big sista to help do my make-up and especially the hairstyling which was almost different for each outfit. because i am currently jobless and have no additional income to pay anyone to model for me so i've got to do it myself even though i really don't prefer. and we put in tons of effort today just to realise that some of the pics went MISSING!

i broke down.

so now the earliest i can launch a new collection is Tuesday and that is provided we do a re-shoot tomorrow night when the fiance is home after work. but i am just so exasperated that i need to blog this out.

and yes, now i feel better. :)

shall leave you with this picture with piccolo who couldn't resist coming in to check on us every once in a while..that darling boy!

♥♥♥

| Closure? |

a third offer came today and because i felt pretty comfortable with it, i accepted it. will officially start on monday.

thoughts of my ex-company flooded me in that instance. couldn't decide if i should email my ex-bosses or to blog first..decided that since i couldn't email without first pouring my heart out, i succumbed to my blog.

since leaving and joining that horrible company, i've been doing alot of thinking. i cannot deny that i still tear at the thought of how i gave up serving such wonderful bosses all in the name of "pursuing my dreams".

how much are dreams worth anyway?

and then, i finally came to terms with myself and with reality - it wasn't so much because i wanted to pursue what i called "my dream"; it was more of the fact that they placed more emphasis on everything else except on human resources - the one thing i thought was most important in a company. human resources are the legs a company stand on, without them, there wouldn't be any profit or accounts to speak of. but sadly, we weren't on the same page.

then there was also the unseen and unheard politicking that was going on with just two female staff. she makes a good friend, but not a good colleague. for someone who talked alot about wanting to be the 'pioneer' of the company; who gloated at every opportunity when the company esteemed her more than me; and who wouldn't stop putting me and the nature of my job down, she had set her sights on staying in the company till she hits 60 and retires. i couldn't win her in that aspect and because i don't politick, i chose to leave.

but was it worth it? was leaving my bosses and getting a job that paid me higher than her worth it? no, it wasn't. but i proved a point - that i was worth more than her somewhere else, that human capital is still the most crucial asset a company should invest in.

through this, i've truly learnt that money cannot buy happiness. and even though its been more than 2 months since i left, i still harbor thoughts of going back and working for them. and if they were to offer me the same job with everything remaining status quo, i will accept and stay on till i am happily married with kids, till forever. haha but i know it will never happen, they will never take me back because i've given up my only chance, and nobody gives second chances except God.

nevertheless, there must be a closure. because some day, i hope to look back at my life and not cry or tear anymore at this lost opportunity.

| Not Now, Not Ever |

continuing from where i left off (from my last entry), my last day with that horrid company was 27 May - good riddance!

i was never happier even though i fell sick and you guessed it right - it was because of some irresponsible people in that office. *bleah* i just have something against that company and everyone in that office, save for the elected few.

thinking back and like I mentioned, reckon that if i had wanted to, i could have bit my lips and stayed on. but i did not mainly because after his horrid display to a staff who'd worked for him for the past 7 months; it was a big no-no for me. for someone who could not even respect his staff says nothing of his integrity - if he even had any left.

thus i left. leaving was the only right thing i know.

it was, to date, the most horrifying job experience that i never want to speak of again. not now, not ever.

----

went for my first church camp (in years) and had a blast there with the girls..and the fiancé. came back last week and now, job-hunting.

lost count of the number of interviews i went but so far, i've rejected 2 job offers. no particular reason, except that i'm learning to hear God more clearly. and because i haven't heard, i did not take those jobs up.

i don't deny it can get quite depressing to be home and going for interviews after interviews and yet the right job hasn't come, its easy to lose hope in God and myself and things around especially since i have a wedding and honeymoon to save up for, but my Lord is faithful. the right one is coming soon, i just have to be patient. if the Lord has so graciously given us a flat at the recent almost-impossible balloting exercise, what more would He have in store for his son and daughter?

| Old & New |

Just met up with a friend/ex-colleague for lunch near my old office. As the taxi turned in, tears welled up my eyes. I still miss that oh-so-familiar place where I spent the happiest times working.

As we sat down, I secretly hoped I would see a familiar face whenever the door swung open; how silly of me. Knowing very well I wouldn't be able to control my emotions if I ever saw my ex-boss again now, and still a part of me wanted to see and know if he and the rest are doing ok.

Im hopeless.

We chatted while we waited for our food and when she asked how the new job was, I was honest and shared with her what I was going through. She, like all the rest, thought that I was happy here. So it really came as a surprise to her when she heard about my plight. But she's always been sweet to me and I thank the Lord, from the bottom of my heart, for her friendship.

On a lighter note, today marks another milestone – a decade together with the fiancé.

Happy 10th Anniversary love, so glad its always been you! ♥

| Interview |

Had an interview this morning and now is the time where I am officially allowed to emo.

Perhaps there was a better FIT this time round, but they will only let me know in mid-June since this position is only required from July onwards. The practical side of me knows I cannot possibly resign now and be jobless without knowing if I will ever get this job - especially where there was a long list of candidates that the HR manager had in his possession albeit trying to hide from my view – but it does not conceal the fact that every cell in my body wants to get out of this company!

I’ve considered the possibilities and the alternatives, gave it a shot for a while now, and still I cannot see myself here for long.

Call me stubborn, but I've made up my mind on leaving and this time, I will have to make a decision to tender either on 13 May or 16 May because I still need to serve two weeks’ notice.

I have peace whenever I think about leaving this company. The only uneasy thing I feel is not securing a job first. But leaving I know is a right decision, something ive never been more certain of. So now; its the TIMING.

Thought of my ex-bosses again during the interview and had to fight back the emotions. But I no longer sob uncontrollably when I think of how cruel reality is. Im into my 4th week and I’ve seen past the tears, regrets and pain. It was my bad, so I can only move on now. And im praying for that one job that will let me work on from now till I am married with kids. Yes, I hope to work that long in my next company.

| 9am to 6.15pm? |

Thank God for iPhone. Truly, its one of the best inventions ever!
I cannot imagine being at work, facing a dinosaur-slow computer with virtually every website blocked, having nothing nor much to do and just waiting for the world to go by from 9am - 6.15pm. Yes the working hours suck.

Question: Didn’t you know about the working hours before you accepted the job?
Answer: No I had no idea.
Dang!

It was only after I signed the employment letter and started work did I realize the official working hours for this particular department is 9am to 6.15pm and even then, all eyes would be on me if I attempt to leave punctually even though I am so early for work now than where I was! It’s ridiculous!

I don’t deny how this is partly my fault for not asking properly and just assuming, complete blooper on my part I know. BUT they should have made it clearer. Oh and another thing, they have no employee handbook, nothing at all to govern the company’s human resources and/or terms and conditions of employment. So sad! How can a conglomerate not have such basic information for its employees? I was appalled! Although I'm slowly coming to terms with it now.

Like I said, there’s really nothing wrong with this job. The only thing wrong is how he should not have painted a completely different picture of the working environment (which isn’t beautiful) plus beautifying the expectations of this position. Looking back, its as if he was frantically adding icing to the cake where all these while, the joke was actually on me! He could have been honest and forefront about how sucky the way things; the extremely high turnover rate in his department alone (like more than 10 staff in 15 years?! something is definitely wrong here). He did not have to resort to hiding the truth and to a certain extent, lying. Right from the start, he already displayed a lack of integrity, so tell me, how could I continue working for a person like him? I cannot.

I am definitely leaving, its just a matter of time now.

That said, he is not too bad to me, although he is starting to show his fangs.

Day by day, until I leave this place, I will slowly uncover everything that happened along the way - the hints that I failed to see and the signs that I missed. Till then.