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its when i am totally speechless that i usually come online to write. i'm so freaking sick of writing about the ugly side of my life and announce that the once-glorious part of my life has come down to pieces.

my fairy tale? my ass maybe.

i try to be rational, i try to compromise and be reasonable but when i'm growing older and older and i'm still the way i was when i left poly, i start to fret and think, damn i better do something about it. its precisely because i'm answerable to my own life, as far as possible, i'd like to make it a comfortable, happy and financially-stable one. how? by planning.

this darn duty is killing you i know, but when you've had your well-deserved rest, its time to get up and go. don't give excuses that its my rest day and therefore i am slow-motion. crap. then can i also give you that excuse when its my rest day?

you said your rest day is for me, to spend time with me. you see your army friends like 24/7 doing duty together and still at home you miss them and want to msn with them? oh spare me.
especially if you can be well chatting with them (*major eyeroll*) i think perhaps while waiting for their reply, instead of surfing for war craft maps and cheat codes, open up another damn window or so and research on school, hdb flats, loans and so on. if i always have to be the one reminding you, what good issit? you would have missed the point, big time.

we're living in singapore you know, HELLO? when i told you years ago i'd like to migrate to aussie someday, your loyalty to singapore had won you the best soldier or best citizen of the year award. and now the price is this: fast-paced, high living standards and basically money all the time. you chose it, so you pay for it.

this lil island is so fast-paced that it doesn't allow you to stop and think, not even for a lil while coz then it might just cost you our new home or our loan for the house and for school. you also know this quote and now i'll quote it back to you, "Time and tide wait for no men". so no you do not have time or the luxury to slow-mo here in fast-paced singapore. you gotta think quick, act quick and plan quick.

please, i think i'm understanding enough lor.

right, and since i'm writing this to you, i might as well say it once and for all.

your lateness and tardiness is getting on me, bad. i cannot even remember when was the last time you were on time meeting me. was that while we were still in school? during our honeymoon period? yah i think so.

clearly i'm not worth that much effort anymore right since we are like so close and have been together for so long already. which is why i'm asking you, how can i relax when we're not even married and you're like shit in meeting me for a date?! i ain't a very patient person, anybody who knows me knows that fact and i don't like to wait for too long. never mind about me waiting, its about you not leaving house 15 minutes earlier when you know the buses and trains screw up all the time. its about why couldn't you have thought about the clothes you wanna wear while showering instead of staring point-blank after your shower, at your wardrobe and feeling undecided and thus have already wasted 10 minutes just picking clothes?!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i just dun get it, what is wrong with you? what is wrong with this relationship? what is wrong with me?

things aren't quite like how they used to be. things change, people change, i know i know. but whatever that is happening now is not normal. its freaky.

did someone put a spell on us?

ok, outta point.

the point is, your attitude is all wrong. whenever i talk to you about the future, you freak out. why, dun wanna spend the rest of your life with me? life is not a bed of roses where we can survive on peanuts, fresh air and water all 365 days. its no use saying and no action. when are you actually going to do something concrete about our future, our marriage and our home?

talk is cheap. and i dun need that.

what i need from you is sincerity, honesty and determination to make things right for me, for us again. dun let the army rob you of your love for me, dun let the army take away all the plans you've had with me since the beginning of our relationship.

please dun let me give up hope on you. i wouldn't bear too, but one will reject all love after extreme agony.