| Australia |

the year that we graduated from TP, i should have gone to aussie with the big sista. she was gonna do her degree in UQ for 2 years, though it eventually got extended another year due to her remarkable results which saw her being offered the honour's programme.

so i started working in 2004, not expecting to work all the way and forfeit my last chance of being a full-time student.

i guess when we were young, being so madly in love was all there was to life. studies, marriage, the future - it all didnt seem to matter. looking back, it was a foolish decision to stay behind with the boyfriend, even though he promised we'll do our studies together in aussie after his NS.

he only fulfilled half of that promise.

2 years of NS came and went, we started on our studies together with Monash but financially, it had to be done locally. the boyfriend promised again and said we'll do our final year in melbourne. changes in our modules and the whole study structure meant that our study time of 2 years would be stretched and completed only after the 3rd year. though it was painful mugging schoolwork and working full-time, i still held on to that promise that we'll do our final year in aussie. final year also came and went and the last compromise - we'll go in our last semester. though that was said, i knew in my heart that aussie will never happen.

and so it never did. 3 times he promised, 3 times he failed to deliver. what would it take for a girl to give up completely? you tell me.

1.5 years ago, we finally graduated with Monash. it was suppose to be our grad trip but it never happened because of SARS. in the end, we went to Korea for the first time last christmas.

now, by God's grace, we are presented with another chance of aussie by way of a small sponsorship. it'll be a dream come true for me but i wonder if it'll really happen?

and so the story goes - Australia will always be this regret and pain that the boyfriend/fiancé so conveniently inflicted on me.

| Types |

the fiancé said there are 2 types of blogger in this world:

1) those that blog their innermost thoughts and feelings
2) those that blog only about superficial happy stuff

i belong to category 1.

yet i hate being in that category at the same time.
sick and tired of whinning and getting all teary and upset over things i have no control over.

its taken a toll on me and my life and especially my Seven Dresses. im sure people must be wondering what is up with the owner who can't seem to get a grip of herself on most days?! i don't deny the fact that i do feel extremely lifeless and tired...like everything that was said and done the past month was surreal.

maybe.

but ive witnessed the power of God in this whole situation. apart from fear gripping my heart and wisdom beginning to show, its also the constant pain and heartache that i feel - emotions that i will not possibly share with another human.

its really true that if God is for you, then nothing will be against you.
but if we use mere human strength and go against God's will, then you'll know ahead of you will be obstacles after obstacles.

so i choose to give up.
i relinquish this thought that was never meant to be.
and i'll make sure it will never happen even if its supposedly 'the time'.

let me be wilful the last time, and decide to remain status quo for now, forever.

| Dreams |

brokenness, shattered dreams,
can it be fixed back?
a regret, empty promises,
hurt lingers in the heart.
undeniable, undefiable,
never my will but Yours be done.
indignant, resenful,
it will never be mine.

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

- I Dreamed a Dream

p/s:

have disabled the annoymous commenting on eprincessdiary so all you annoynomous' out there can forget ever about commenting without a name from now on!

| Anticipation |

have you ever been in anticipation for something you do not have control over and all that waiting just kills you? that's me right now.

since last saturday, people around us have responded very negatively since they knew of our intention. until now, i still dunno what is so wrong with it that they had to react so strongly.

define readiness.

if we don't start doing something now, whatever we hope for and want for the future will never happen. we know this is true because that's our nature. moreover, our degree course has equipped and trained us very well in the module called LAST-MINUTE, so really, there's nothing to worry about.

*LOL

fine, maybe we should have dropped subtle hints here and there and not totally drop the bomb (but then again, we didn't drop anything on anyone!), but for them to REACT that way was really uncalled for.

guess only my pup would be happy for me.

♥ my majestic lil pup looking down at me

♥ his favorite past-time - lick lick!

| zZz |

can someone tell me how does forums work? i'm so sleepy and lost!

i've been tasked to read certain threads of the singaporebrides forum and i have no idea where or how to begin because there are like SO many topics, and within these topics are sub-topics and then threads? is that it? i'm really so lost right now and all the topics within topics and sub-topics within sub-sub-topics are making me SO sleepy! zZz

perfect weather.

anyway, some pictures i did outta boredom:

♥ botanic gardens

♥ DSLR quality-shots taken by my TX-5 (by the fiancé). come on, be amazed. HAHA

♥ lolo boy!

| Maybe I Never Knew |

*feels like i dunno you more and more

this phrase is currently on my FB wall and a friend quickly msn-ed me to check if i was ok. its people like these who warms you; makes you feel better. :)

its really nothing serious; just a random thought that maybe i never knew the fiancé as well as i thought i did.

is 9 years enough to know someone?

just yesterday on FB, he wished his pal's girlfriend/wife happy birthday without signing off as US since i know her too. and late last night on FB again, he posted pictures of a birthday celebration with his colleagues and was actually sitted next to a female colleague?!

that's not it.

what really affected me was the fact that he stayed up till 2am last night - with me in the room trying to sleep with my eye mask over and him furiously clicking his mouse and typing away - and all these while loading pictures of work?!

did he care about the fact that i was so shagged out after packing parcels - with no help from him at all if i may add - and that i'm a super light sleeper and the slightest sound or movement and it will disturb my sleep? NO!

that explains why i don't like his colleagues very much. most of them are females and are the sort that stay in the office till really late, and will call him on his mobile at 9-10pm to talk about work. they were also the same exact one(s) whom fell sick and refused to see a doctor and ended spreading the germs to him and then to me - imagine the close proximity they must have been in for the germs to even infect him? are these even normal work relationships or am i paranoid here??? do you see my male bosses and/or colleague calling me way after office hours talking about work or asking me if buying a cake for another female colleague is ok or not???!!!

i've had it.

either he learns how to draw a line between work and family or he can jolly well join them permanently as a SINGLE.

to the fiancé:
how many bad experiences do we need to witness before you learn how to behave yourself? already i am stressing out over many many things and you still look like you're good for more fun without me. i'm really disappointed.

| Abuse |

all month, i've been trying so hard to avoid reading details and seeing pictures of the poor pomeranian that got bashed to death.

i relented, saw, read and broke down.

i cannot believe how a drunkard can be blatantly bashing a small pup near a coffee shop with the onlookers just minding their own business. so typical of singaporeans! because it ain't human, its just a dog and therefore its allowed to be beaten to death? same for those SICK PEOPLE abusing stray cats! do you have any idea how small a pomeranian-type of dog is? they are quite tiny.

why must humans think they are King and abuse animals?

a life is a life no matter what and these people are answerable to God.

now, is there any other way of finding the culprit? i want to help so badly. what can i do? pledge money to try and help find the culprit? ok, maybe we'll pledge 50% of profits from Seven Dresses' LOVE Collections (13th and 14th) to help?

let me discuss with the fiancé first.

| NO? |

i don't feel like getting married anymore.

not that we had any concrete plans too anyway, but i just don't feel like it any time soon.

the big hoo-haa about weddings had always deterred me from wanting to get married, and even more so now with half the world i know getting hitched soon! i'm happy for them but i look at my own life and wonder, will i ever be mature enough to want to sit down with the fiancé to plan for the biggest event of our lives?

everyone has advised me or us to start reading wedding forums but i am so not a forum person. it gives me a headache. i think i'd prefer blogs. any wedding blogs to recommend anyone?

whatever the case is, i don't wanna get married anymore. can we stay this way forever?

i think i'm falling sick again; maybe that's why i'm feeling so tired about my blogshop and totally off for marriage. my head's been heavy since the time i woke up and i'd been feeling hot-cold-hot-cold, donning and taking off my jackets, sneezing and no appetite. damn, i CANNOT FALL SICK AGAIN! *screams*

anyway, some eye-candy for our 13th collection tonight:

♥ this blue denim polka dot frock really matches my wedges and my red rattan bag huh? hee ;p


♥ managed to find another supplier with the same exact piece execpt with a pinkier hue of pink and navy blue


♥ mad loves my picnic basket to bits! and she also wants to have this topshop-inspired frock heh ;p

| Tired |

i'm upset.

been so caught up with so many things ever since i-dunno-when and forgot to give myself some "ME" time.

despite the long weekend, i failed to accomplish anything.

can i blame the fiancé pls?

he has no idea what encompasses the launch of a new collection and i hate to say it but it is taking a toll on me! just let me take a break as and when i need to and when i'm recharged enough, i will do the necessary.

at this current moment, i am feeling so lost. give me some time to get my bearings right and we'll work from there.

don't think that's a terribly unreasonable request to make. i'm just tired and busy with many other things and if you could just let me slow down and breathe, i will be very grateful.

period.

| Hibernation Mode |

i'm in hibernation mode now.

the erratic weather just sent rain down and i'm all cuddled up in my coats and jackets, scarfs and poncho.

everyone is just minding their own business today and so am i.

can't wait for the day to end, i am so tired.

anyway so Collection 12 - Our Father's Faithfulness was launched yesterday and at the same time, the fiancé and i decided to give away the Coogi Face Mask which we bought from Korea early this year as a form of incentive to find out how our consumers and potential customers feel about Seven Dresses thus far. while this blogshop was set up entirely in obedience to God's calling, i would wanna make the best of it, personally :)

got desiree to help out for the shoot and shyness aside, i think this girl's got potential~

and don't ask me why i'm also in the shoot! ok fine, ask.

it was because our dear desiree was SUPER shy she was looking all tensed up in most of the initial shots and so i had to change into some of the clothes to accompany her, else we would never finish the shoot before the next appointment reaches the studio :/

yes i know i'm not exactly model-material even though i was a child model eons ago so pls, keep those harsh comments to yourself.

♥ this flora sundress is one of my personal favourites; fabulous cutting

♥ ooo this piece (and the black version) is exlcusive to Seven Dresses


♥ another one of my favorites - look how cute she is

♥ this is the fiancé's pick - something that guys would love their girls to wear?

| NEW |

just changed my blogskin and think it'll remain for a good few years HAHA. even blogger is now embracing the new CSS; welcome CSS, goodbye HTML. am still trying to figure out to how to centralise the bottom part of my blog though. perhaps another time when i'm not so sleepy ba.

and now, this is what i've been up to...

♥ stuffed squid

made dinner for the family yesterday and felt super unappreciated :(

it wasn't that the food wasn't delicious but i guess i wasn't exactly expecting that kinda response either.

nevertheless, the fiancé you know is super supportive and thinks the WORLD of whatever i cook to be delicious so i'm thankful for him ♥

right now, i just hope that the process of manufacturing our 2nd dress will not meet any more obstacles than it already has.

| Signs |

i forgot my office keys today. no i wasn't locked out; in fact i was the last to arrive :/

left my ez-link card in the box meant for a friend and ended up using coins and buying the single fare card; forgot my office keys; got an odd feeling that i may have also forgotten to switch off the lights before i left office yesterday too. are these signs of old-age?

its worrying when you see people around tying the knot and MORE people asking me when our big day is - a definite sign of old age.

maybe i've just been really really shagged out since returning from our trip though it was part R & R, part sourcing trip. we had pretty good finds BUT maybe its just another sign of old age that i'm constantly feeling t.i.r.e.d.

i wanna catch a movie or two and just nua the whole day in bed. can i?

but first, i need to finish these stuff up:

friday
1. pay up the studio money
2. cell @ the big sista's place (thank God its just across the street!)
3. ribbon-tying for our flea tomorrow

saturday
1. flea (12-8pm)

sunday
1. church
2. photoshoot
3. kite-flying?

i do lead a h.e.c.t.i.c life, don't i? *lolx*

anyway since all my stuff are locked up @ work, here's what i've done to waste the time away *tsk





oh look, its 4.08pm already!

| Russ |

think i'm calm enough to blog now since the news on saturday.

after seeking a second opinion, russ' heart murmur was confirmed by his usual attending vet on monday. its mainly due to old age, his bad temper, as well as the fact that he eats human food. Dr. Chua did not say how long russ can live but as long as russ is taking the long-term medication that Dr. Chua has put him under, he should be fine.

but now russ has to do a complete diet change; one that is low in sodium. he can't have his favorite milk, biscuits and stuff anymore. i hope he'll adapt well. the last few days when he was coughing, he did not have any appetite, it made us all so worried.

thank God he seems to be responding pretty well to the medication; we have to call Dr. Chua to report this to him today. his appetite also came back and his cough stopped. but he's still pretty tired and restless all the time and pico definitely cannot go near russ anymore because russ cannot afford to be agitated. he also can't go for long walks anymore because its too taxing on his lil heart.

russ will be 9 years old this national day. we'll celebrate earlier since we'll be away for the hols.

and i am still tearing as i'm typing this entry.

truth is, i can't take it!

i don't want russ to leave us so soon! i don't wanna come home just to see pico alone, i wanna be able to see russ too!

russ has been a big part in my life. he came the same year as the fiance came into my life in 2001. he was so tiny back then and we all grew to love him very much. i remember the very first time he set foot in our home, the three of us were lying on the floor and watching him curiously walking around us. shortly after, we smelled a fart and asked who did it and all three of us denied, next thing we knew, he poo-ed on the floor mat. he was real cute cos he contemplated for a long time and he wasn't sure where he could poo and because he was only paper-trained, he went to the nearest paper-looking thing to poo. what a smart boy! he's sucha dear in our hearts.

russ is God's gift to us, especially in a time where we needed stronger family ties - something or someone that could bond us closer as a family and russ came along.

even though he's grown to be so grumpy and bad tempered (it runs in the blood), he still loves us in his own special way.

and now if i may ask the Lord, the one thing is for russ to have a strong, healthy life. i don't want him to be in pain or to be upset in any way, i just want him to know how much all of us love him and will always always love him.

| Forever |

can i cry pls?

i don't wanna lose my baby boy so soon..he's not even 9 years old

and i was still hoping on sunday when i woke up that everything we heard at the vet was a bad dream.

can i keep my baby boy with me forever pls?

| Thinking |

i've been thinking.

i'm always thinking (and imagining) about everything and i think its innate.

i was doing so much thinking yesterday until it got me depressed to a point in time. what was i thinking about? many things.

we've settled the hotels for our trip and now its just left with researching on things to do. in fact, i'd be happy if we don't do anything during those 5 days and we just watch the world go by in my favorite part of the island - just you and i.

------------------------

i love daniel very much. it isn't something i just realised; its something i've always known. i love him to the extent of wanting a child with him that will look like the both of us - a little girl or boy that will carry a small part of him and me that is concrete evidence of our love. yes i think i would like that very much :)

everyone knows how i used to shun the idea of having a child but now i'm beginning to think otherwise. it'll be sweet :)

CLARIFICATION
yes, i'm still a virgin.
no, this coming trip is not and will not be a consummation of our love.
no, he hasn't proposed again.
no, we're not getting married anytime soon.

so just take this purely as a love story; OUR love story.

----------------------------

we're trapped.

we've got a design on hand and no factory that is willing to manufacture for us. apparently everyone's stopped taking in orders infinitely and i wonder if its got to do with what's going on in BKK. anyhow, we'll be meeting a supplier after work today and see if they'll be willing to take in our order in the meantime. *prays*

---------------------------

remember about the Inifinity Loop i mentioned about in my previous post? well its made me feel so small and insignificant that i burst out crying as soon as we left church last saturday.

i think i'm old enough to tell if someone is belittling us or if they are genuinely passionate about a cause. in any case, we should let God be the judge.

i'm not almighty; in fact even in terms of Bible knowledge/doctrines, i'm nowhere near those attending Sunday school. i'm insufficient in many ways, lacking in a lot of virtues as a Christian, but i know my cause and its very simple - open a blogshop to take back what rightfully belongs to the Lord i.e. money, and commit a portion to communities who have a need for it. and the reason for a blogshop is so that i can take care of it while i am still holding my full-time job because God is good, He didn't give me my day job for nothing you know.

and of course in the midst of that, i can expand myself to becoming a 'designer' of my own dresses, as well as use some of that marketing i've learnt through the books in actual practice here so i'll know i didn't major in marketing for nothing.

so while you are highly passionate about your cause, you need to know where other people are coming from. we all have our individual causes that God called us to do and if He dictates dresses, then who's to say pants? some may have the calling earlier, others (like me) later in life, so everyone's at different stages of fulfilling His purposes. if you're so up there right now doesn't mean i won't get there eventually. i will, but in any case, how fast or slow we get to the finishing point is also dictated by God so who has the right to belittle what we have done so far?

you may not mean it in a bad way; and if that's the case, take a different approach the next round. because i am beginning to understand why non-believers hate Christians so much. its because of bad eggs like YOU that spoil God's name!

and if you ever read this and want to apologise, DON'T.

i'm only blogging this out so i can have a happier day today.

| Happiness? |

just finished re-watching The Little Nonya on xinmsn and damn its a tear-jerker alright. *sobs

such rich culture and history lie beneath a minority, i dunno whether to be proud of or ashamed to be a quarter of a Nonya myself. some of the traditions in our family are different as compared to the Hokkiens and/or Teochews but i guess that's not the point i'm driving at.

what i'm trying to say is, why can't two people who love each other be together? its so sad and i'm feeling all-so-emo about the fact that the main characters, yueniang and chen xi did not end up together eventually. *sobs

though they supposedly moved on and are successful and happy in their own way, i can't help but wonder if that is true happiness?

and what is true happiness on earth?

| Let me RANT |

let me rant.

i'm sick and i'm in pain but i'm at work and i just want to rant.

stupid irresponsible people who are sick and refuse to stay home to recuperate, end up passing the germs to the fiance and then to me! i was just on MC 2 weeks ago for a cold that i caught outta nowhere and now this - stomach virus!

and i can't even stay home today even though i was given yesterday and today to rest because i have some stupid VIPs coming in at work today, i want to cry! i really want to cry! i am SO mad i could bite anything that irritates me today i tell you.

i'm hungry and yet i can't eat much cos anything i eat and i will LAU SAI big time, argh!

and when i posted something on his wall to indirectly scold his boss, he got angry with me. like pls, do i deserve to go down like that?

SHE NEEDS TO BE TOLD THAT IF SHE IS SICK, SHE SHOULD JOLLY WELL STAY HOME AND NOT COME TO WORK TO SPREAD GERMS, PERIOD!

| My Testament on Seven Dresses |

nat told us over lunch last sunday that he's volunteered on our behalves, to put Seven Dresses up for display at Infinite Loop - an intiative by CSCC to promote God-inspired projects in the marketplace.

wow.

that caught me off-guard for a few moments.

and now i'm required to write, sort of like a testimony on how Seven Dresses was born.

i tried putting my writing into good use yesterday but somehow it lacked the personal touch that i had hoped would bring across. and so i've decided what better place to pen this than in my own journal - like how i've been doing for the past 6 years :)

think i shared before, amidst my 678 posts on blogger, that eprincessdiary is like my personal letters to God, since i seem to be more expressive with written words anyway.

ok so here goes:

to me, Seven Dresses represents alot of things. it represents God's calling for me, His moulding process in me, a testament of God's grace and faithfulness to my pre-believing family whom i hope one day - soon enough - will also give their lives to Christ, as well as His way of helping me financially in the area of the next phase of my life - marriage.

it was at one sermon in March 2010 at CSCC - sister Karen Dunham - a missionary in Palestine spoke about “Launching” and taking back what rightfully belongs to the Lord that planted an idea within me. it was something that I’ve always wanted to do but never had the courage or capital to do so, and which i felt extremely compelled to make it happen this time round - opening a blogshop and channelling a portion of the earnings back to His' name. in this way, i could bring the Bible and even the Gospel to the marketplace and help poor starving children in Jericho be less hungry. it would feel like myself, personally being out there on the mission field - which had also been my dream since i knew Christ 15 years ago but never had the chance too.

as i think back on everything that had happened in the last couple of months, i am slowly coming into the realisation (after piecing everything up together) that the Lord has never left me, He's always been in my life, slowly but surely fulfilling the purpose He's had for me since i received my first prophesy from a preacher when i was 12:

"..that her studies are well..that she'll do great things..things that her mother would never expect and would be so proud of her for...that she'll soar on eagles' wings..."

this is all i could remember. the rest of the prophecy, which my sister later wrote out for me, went missing together with my other boxes of stuff when we shifted house in 1999.

and although i do not know what these great things are, and/or if Seven Dresses is part of these "great things", i'm convinced that success comes only from the Lord and He is faithful; He will finish the work He started out in us.

| Travel Bug |

been hit by the travel bug of late and have the strong urge to re-visit some old places (with unfinished business) and visit new places as well.

BUT it'll never be the only place i'll ever want to be in.

nevertheless, i am still thankful and count my lil blessings - at least i am leaving the country. God has been so wonderful and i've learnt that no matter what goes on in my life, His hand is always on it, in it and He leads as i allow Him to.

so the tics have been booked and we'll be away for the National Day hols. good riddance! ha!

remind me to write about PURPOSES tomorrow. till then.

| My Wants |

i've been dying to do the Great Ocean Road drive for the longest time now! when issit my turn?


i wanna go to Philip's Island and see the penguins too!

i hear they're real cute - like they'll wait for one another and never leave anyone behind *lolx*

i also wanna go up to the Blue Mountains which the big sista happily went without me!
tell me again - what are sisters for? :/


i've decided that i shall not wait for the fiance any longer and will just do this road trip on my own..once i've saved up enough that is :S