| "Reset" Button |

3 weeeks ago, i lamented on how sorry i was to have left my previous job that had wonderful bosses and a great environment with good colleagues. that was the darkest period of my life - i cried every single day - on my way to work in the train when i take an extra stop to Raffles Place instead of good ol' City Hall, in the shower and in church when i pray and sing to my Lord. i couldn't sleep well, which was quite unusual because im sucha pig but strangely i still ate like a pig *snorts

i wondered if there was a "reset" button in life for me to turn back time to carefully seek counsel from my cell leaders and parents; to carefully watch the hints and signs that God dropped along my way from the time i attended this interview to the time i was offered this job, right up to the time i signed the appointment letter and tendered my resignation and everything that happened during the one month that i served my notice (my ex-bosses kept asking me to reconsider and to take back the resignation letter even on my last day of work!); to pay attention to His still small voice that was telling me to "STAY PUT"; to prayerfully ask and know that when i don't hear anything from Him, it means to stay put wherever i was! i cannot emphasise enough on how my time in my third company was not up yet and still i chose to harden my heart to leave. that's why i said making that decision to leave my previous employment was a very painful one.

i've given this job a shot for close to 3 weeks now and i still don't feel comfortable here. my colleagues treat me well and so does the now-boss BUT i still cannot bring myself to really care for the now-boss like how i geniunely cared for my other bosses before. i've also been trying my best-est to adapt to the environment here which is working well and though things have improved and im no longer crying or fearful coming to work now, i honestly still do not enjoy my time here or what im doing.

the picture that the now-boss painted at the interview and the actual job scope are world's apart. i reckon i could continue working here, but i wouldn't be happy and i wont be true to myself; its like the past 3 weeks had been a lie and i don't wanna continue living a lie because right from the onset, this job was never meant to be! i was attracted to a different portfolio and the opportunies i thought this job would give me, and of course the money and not to mention, the silly thought that would put me on par with the fiancé because he sometimes, unknowingly puts me and my job down, but i was so wrong. money cannot buy happiness. and is it only when we lose something that we begin to realise the value of what we had.

i can never turn back time or gain the trust of my ex-bosses again. plainly said, they will never take me back even if there was a vacancy. try and hope as hard as i might, with humans, there is no such thing as second chances and i don't blame them, it was my bad. a huge mistake i made that i would have to live with for the rest of my life. but God is merciful, He hasn't left me; He's still here.

and He's been opening doors of opportunies for me i.e. interviews and though so far there's no news, i think that maybe, just maybe i will get something soon. i guess this is what they call "exercising faith". i know something is gonna happen soon, i just dunno what or where so i will prayerfully wait upon the Lord. last week's sermon talked about God putting different seasons in our lives to prepare us for the things ahead and one season the speaker spoke about was that of being monotonous. and when it is that season - which was what i was experiencing in my ex-company - we have to remain where we are because God is teaching us how to be faithful and to learn the spirit of enduring. if only i heard this sermon a month ago, without a qualm, i would definitely have taken back my resignation letter.

so i've been doing alot of thinking. im not afraid or fearful anymore because i know that my future in Him is safe and secured. but im really praying for another chance to honor God by showing loyalty to another company and to a boss and its definitely not in this company and the now-boss.

nevertheless i learnt something through this incident - my calling in life (apart from Seven Dresses) and how im always intertwined with this particular country. like in my first job, the company i worked for carried products from that country, and i almost had that chance of a free trip if not for some personal reasons and i resigned. then came my second job where i really matured; it was a refining process that God used to mould me through the course of my part-time studies. after 4 years in that job and it was time to go, i was never more certain about that and thereafter landed myself in my third job and again related to that country. so maybe that country is where my calling is...and maybe one day, God will bring me there to do full-time missionary work! but for now, i am certain about the path that God has laid out for me and this time round, i'll know when God speaks to me.