| My Journey |

3 nights ago, a friend sent me a testimony of how he got to know Christ. it talked about the 10 years journey it took him to finally find God. it was most touching, and indeed, i teared after reading it.

we're actually quite similar, the friend and me. and immediately i felt a connection.

i guess in all my 489 posts in this blog, i'd never once written about my early years as a christian in depth. well perhaps its time i start penning it down.

i realised the existence of Jesus when i was as lil as 6. despite my parents being both buddhists, they sent the 3 of us to a catholic school. all 3 of us did our primary and secondary education in the same school, and that was when it all started.

in school, they had regular masses, and we always said grace before and after meals. there were also weekly catechism classes for catholics and for those who were interested in knowing more about God. all those had shaped my thoughts and beliefs and slowly, i found myself distancing from buddhism.
whenever i asked my parents about how buddhism came about, they weren't able to explain their faith to me, couldn't tell me the origin and how their god and worship came about. i thought it strange, but never questioned more than i was already told.
as the years went by, i'd learnt more and more about God and Jesus, and even Mother Mary. i was even more determined to know more about Them. i stopped going to the temples with my mother, and started going to church, occasionally with my grandmother, who was a devout Catholic, and most of the time with my big sister, whom was more into the Christian faith, and whom i also became very much like.

we started with Faith Community Baptist Church (FCBC). i was 12, and it was after my PSLE. it was a very charasmatic church and i felt uncomfortable with all of them jumping to the music in worship to the Lord. and worse of all, i couldn't understand how Christians actually do not pray to the Virgin Mary! in all my 12 years then, all i remember ever being taught was that Mother Mary would intercede to God and Jesus for us whenever we prayed, for she was after all, Jesus' mother. furthermore, i also thought after Jesus was raised, Mother Mary followed suit. but when my sister told me to check against the Bible, i couldn't find any record and i knew then, that all i had ever been taught in primary school weren't the whole truth. i struggled with this fact for a long long time, i finally decided to join my sister in bible study lessons because i wanted to know more about God, Jesus and if possible, Mother Mary.

we attended FCBC for awhile, until one day, my sister said there was a prophet who was coming to town and invited my entire family there. is prophet the right term? he did, after all, lay hands on me and prophesized about how i would be, if i had been a faithful disciple of Christ.
i've been searching for that tape that recorded down his exact words, and my sister even wrote it out for me. i haven't been successful though.
amidst the words i could vaguely remember, "Thank you Lord, that her studies are well, that she will do her parents proud. things that her mother never thought she'd be capable of. thank you Lord that she will soar on eagles' wings, she's gonna do great things."

and i thought i would really do great things. i guess that was not to be. not now at least.

after FCBC, my sister decided she wanted to change churches, being young and ignorant, i tagged along. her piano teacher was an Adventist, and she was the one who brought my sister to the Seventh-Day Adventist (SDA) Church everyone claimed was a cult.
things weren't so bad when we got there, in fact, things were even better and i enjoyed the quiet service they had, which was very much like the average Catholic Church. that was where my Bible knowledge grew, and that was also where i'd learnt the most. i was 13 going on 14, a blooming teenage girl where crushes and infatuation were the norm.

somewhere in the midst when i was 15, i decided it was time to get baptised. my parents didn't agree of course, because although they gave us the freedom to choose whatever religion we might like, they weren't ready for their baby girl to get baptised. i pleaded and i begged, and finally my dad gave me the green light, i was delighted! but my focus on the Lord would sadly be short-lived.

a filipino guy, whose name i won't mention, was my crush. he was 22 when i was 15. that was a good whole 7 years of difference in age and race, but crushes and infatuations knew no boundaries. he drew me further away from God, i became distracted. slowly, my attendance for any events were whether he was there or not, rather than for God. it was bad, but the feelings during pyberty were strong, it consumed the rational side of me. not long after, he and his family had to leave for the States. they were missionaries, and hadn't a stable home. their 3 years stay in singapore was up and had to move to another place where they were needed more. i was so upset when he left, and so upset i would never see him again. but it was good in a way, i
could now go back to being the christian i had always wanted to be.
at that time, my sister left yet again, to my present church, an Anglican church. but i stayed on for another year or so. only when i felt my growth in the Lord had turned stagnant, i left too. i didn't stay on because i wanted to wait for that guy, i knew it was impossible even if he came back. and i thank God we haven't crossed paths after so many years. his deep blue eyes were the loveliest i had ever seen, and i'm sure if i saw those eyes again, i might just be swept off my feet.

*lolx i'm just kidding. i'm sure he's old and happily married with a child or so now.

eventually, i left the SDA community with a heavy heart, and i decided henceforth, that i would take a break from going to church, until i was ready. i was 16 then.

after a few months, i joined my sister in my present Anglican church now and stayed on ever since, though she now attends another anglican church with her husband-to-be.

i joined the youth and became very active in many areas. camp, retreats, street evangelism, outings, crusade etc. met yet another bunch of guys whom i became pretty close with, but like i mentioned before, not intimate enough to become an item. the youth pastor didn't quite like the fact i was always the centre of attraction and tried to 'banish' my friendship with many of them. they picked on the silliest things like my dressing. naturally i became angry and decided to drop it off once and for all. i went back to the main adult service.

in the end, the Reverend at that time thought the youth was growing in a wrong way, they looked up to their youth pastor more than they would to Jesus and decided unanimously to break up the youth community. they objected and left to set up their own church. their charasmatic worship and manner also found it hard for the church elders to accept.

things became peaceful once again, until after my 'o' levels, where i had to find a temp job to fill my time. that was when i met my fiance. i was 18.

he was the reason why i distanced away from God too. and to be completely honest, he's still one of the many reasons why i haven't been able to get my relationship with the Lord back on track. my disappointment in people through out those early years of my young faith also left a scar, i'd been afraid to go back.

so now, 5 years later, i'm still with him. he's now attending church with me, but we haven't found a cell yet. when we do, will i be able to burn for the Lord once again, just like old times?