my ♥ fairytale

| A Lesson on Religion |

2012-02-02T10:26:00.002+08:00

you know after being in a relationship for 10.5 years, close to 11, you would think Daniel and I have gone through the worst storms life could possibly throw at us.

but we were sorely wrong.

we are getting married on 12 May, in about 3.5 months' time and we are currently planning a wedding that is not our own at all. opinions after opinions we have to seek and to make sure everyone else (except us) is happy before we can proceed.

and especially when the topic is on religion. do you think I am unaffected by all that is going on around me?

wrong again.

I have been exposed to Christianity since I was a little girl and more so coming from Katong Convent. my grandmother who was a devout Catholic brought us to church whenever my parents had to leave town for work and she came to stay with us. from a tender age, I knew a God existed. when I was 12, I opted for a Catechism class in school instead of doing some weird moral education class. that was when I learnt more about Christ and what He has done for us, for the world.

at the end of my primary school education, my eldest sister started attending FCBC and was fast becoming a full-fledged Christian.

I remember quarrelling and getting really upset with her when she told me Mother Mary was just a human, an earthly instrument that God chose to bring Jesus into the world. and like all humans, she died. there was no other mention of her in the bible after Jesus rose from the dead and His ascension. the bible I am quoting here by the way, is the one with only 66 books and not the one that Catholics use.

so you see, what I initially believed, like the Roman Catholics, was very different when it came to the Protestant Christians.

I remember frantically searching through the bible for any evidence that Mother Mary may still be alive and that she somehow became a goddess like how the Catholics taught. but there was none. I broke down and slowly accepted that truth. that cry was freedom, that cry was God setting me free.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." John 8:32

thereafter, I attended FCBC with my sister and even witnessed her baptism as soon as she turned 21.

so I've been a Christian ever since I could remember and had also been prophesised over how my life would soar on eagle’s wings and would make my parents, especially my mother be so proud of me.

of course in-between, my parents being Buddhists got me to be the "god-child" of the Goddess of Mercy since I was an infant, I think. I had no prior knowledge to what this goddess had done for me or for the world. I only yielded to holding the joss sticks, mediums prediction of the future either by jumping around or by blowing air into my face, any and everything my parents wanted me to do when I was a child simply because they wanted it, I listened and I did it out of respect.

but when I was about 15, I told my parents I wanted to be baptised too. they said no and like my sister, I had to wait till I was old enough at 21 before I could be baptised. but my parents are very reasonable people and that’s why I love them so much, they asked me why I was in a rush to get baptised. my answer in my 15 year-old mind was simply this, “Jesus is coming back soon and I wanna be ready when He comes”. they accepted my reason and I was born again on 21 March, 1998.

however, not all parents are that reasonable. of course I can understand where they are coming from – like suddenly their child is no longer the same anymore. but having almost reached 30 years of age, don’t you think its time to let go?

sure there are some Christians who profess their faith in Christ and yet still hold joss sticks and pray to other gods. there are also those who still go to temples for whatever reasons. yet there are some who do not mind bowing or kneeling in front of tablets, idols, pictures etc.

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister." Romans 14:13

every single one of us will be asked to give an account to God on Judgement Day on why we did certain things and said certain words. those whom we have hurt, and those actions we did to cause others to stumble.

"So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God." (Romans 8:12)

being a Christian, I firmly believe in a one thing:

“You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments." Exodus 20:4-6

"Do not make idols or set up an image or a sacred stone for yourselves, and do not place a carved stone in your land to bow down before it. I am the LORD your God.” Leviticus 26:1

I will bow and even kneel to anyone alive, if it required of me. but that’s where it ends. I will not bow or kneel to an altar with a craved image and a tablet. that is beyond me as a Christian because I am a child of God now, I belong to Jesus. And Jesus would not have me bow to any idols.

"So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord." Romans 14:8

and because IF I bow/kneel/hold joss sticks to other gods or craved images, then I will unconsciously be a stumbling block to non-christians present.

They would be thinking, “eh how come so-and-so who is a Christian can hold joss stick, can bow and kneel and pray to our ancestors or this god etc?”

even now, it is not our wedding day yet and we have already been challenged as to why this cousin who is a christian can do this and that whereas we cannot?

allow me to explain.

different people have different levels of faith. different people also have different walks with our Lord Jesus. so with their level of faith, maybe they think its ok to do certain things, but at where I am, I am unable to do so simply because I have no other gods except Yahweh.

i will give my due respect to people who are alive. period.

| 16 Dec 2011 - 3rd day of Mission Trip |

2012-01-04T17:13:00.000+08:00

16 Dec
we woke up @ 5am today as we had two places to visit today. i had the most restful night's sleep the second night as my first night was a wreck with freezing aircon blowing in my face and on my head and i only had a thin bedsheet as a blanket. :/ thank God for nice roomies; one of them offered their thick quilt to me. it was bliss thereafter. :D

1) Women's Prison
during one of our team's meeting, we were given a brief itinerary for our trip which was of course - subject to changes - and amidst the schedules were that of visiting the women's prison. i remember my reaction then and it was not pleasant reason being when we first signed up for this mission trip, it was more of a children's ministry. so when i saw "Women's Prison" on the list, i freaked out. but God is forever good, He gave me mighty grace on the actual day and i was able to overcome my fears as we approached the gates to the prison.

our tasks here were mainly to minister to a bunch of women, most of whom had been sentenced to life imprisonment either because of murder; drug trafficking or simply helping someone do time so that they get monetary compensation for their families outside. my first impression of the prison and it was actually quite happening, haha! they were playing loud pop music in one area and performances and dances in another area. we girls, had to have an ink stamped onto our wrist to differentiate visitors from the inmates, whereas those guys in berms were told to wear jogging pants before they were allowed in, though it did not happen in the end.

we were later on led deeper into the premises and into a hall for a time of sharing. on our way in, we witnessed their way of life in the prison and it was actually not as bad as i had imagined. firstly there were three different grading system: those who wore brown meant minimum sentence; those in blue meant that they had to serve a medium sentence; and finally, those in orange, which also translated to maximum correction, were sentenced to life imprisonment - and these were the women who were mainly in that hall waiting for our arrival.

when we got there, they all arose to greet us with wide smiles; it was very nice of them. praise and worship started shortly after. though it was the "dracula-sounding" organ they used to orchestrate the worship, it was the women's angelic singing that really got to us. they sang with all their hearts and might, like there was no tomorrow. and if i had any inkling of how the angels in heaven sound when they sing, that would be it. the Holy Spirit was clearly present and all of us teared - i've never heard a choir sing till i teared; that was the first and it was amazing.

shortly after praise and worship, Pastor Hazeil took over and introduced both teams and straightaway she called out for those who prepared a testimony. of the three testimonies, my team leader's message was the strongest. she talked about the book of Ruth in the Bible, specifically about Naomi, Ruth's mother-in-law. her life was a wreck, after having lost her husband and son almost immediately, the turning point in her life was when she made the decision to return to the Lord. good things followed after and the Lord blessed her richly through her daughter-in-law Ruth. it was so apt and encouraging for a bunch of women who had sinned for whatever reason, lost all earthly hope but who found hope in Jesus. believing in Him gives us the assurance that there is a life after this that promises eternal happiness.

Pastor Kathy was a real comedian and she made the crowd go wild just by laughing. PH later told us, these women have never been so happy before. it was heart-breaking to know that.

most of the conversations took place in tagalog so when they suddenly stood up and sang a song for us in their own language, all of us were shocked and wanted to stand in return. but PH told us its ok to sit, they were singing a thank you song to us and my heart sank - the sincerity in the eyes, the angelic singing, the bowing and the tears made each and every one of us cry. thats thankfulness in its purest form.

you know? doing mission work isn't about us and how we are being thanked or shown gratitude too; its about us, simply telling and reassuring them that we all have an eternal Hope who will return for us.

and knowing that they will have visitors, they also handmade lil keepsakes for us in the shape of a heart; we all kept one. :)

the service or program was kept strictly to 1.5 hours. so on their way out, we distributed the goodie bag - which we packed the night before - to each of them. again what grateful hearts they kept thanking us.

they were also another bunch who were extremely cheerful despite their earthly fate. instead of blessing them, i had been blessed so much more by them. it was then did i realise, i have so much more to learn.

to be continued...2) Launch of Porridge Patrol

| The Joy of the Lord will be My Strength |

2011-12-22T11:46:00.006+08:00

the past six days seemed surreal - but i still recall everything that I felt during the mission trip - from heartache to pain; from tears to totally appreciating what it truly means when we say that the joy of our Lord will be our strength.

indeed it was thought-provoking.

15 Dec - The First Assignment of Our Mission @ an Old Folks' Home

This was mainly a feeding program and our tasks included distributing packets of bee hoon (we had to put a piece of fried chicken into each packet), cut and distribute a piece of Christmas log cake each.

Prior to this mission trip, we had already been pre-warned of their living conditions and that most of them are not saved yet. Pastor Hazeil, through our team leader, had prepared us mentally but the truth was hard to bear.

Upon reaching, I smelt a foul stench coming from the inside (I have very sensitive nose so even the slightest bad smell and I would know). When we were finally allowed to go inside the compound, we noticed that there were urine stains in their rooms, along the corridor and almost everywhere else which were the result of the stench.

As we ventured deeper, there were some old folks that were locked up, literally. We visited their sleeping area and all they had was a metal bed with no mattress and very thin cloths which they used as blankets. They couldn't leave their rooms unless someone from the outside opened the door reason being, the workers were afraid they would hurt themselves or get lost if they were allowed to roam around freely as some, if not most, are senile. The old folks that were “locked up” mostly shared rooms and had 4 roommates. Then there were the “more normal” old folks whom were allowed to be on their own – these shared a bigger room with maybe about 8-10 people. And in one of those rooms, we were told an old granny died not too long ago while waiting for food; she was all wrapped up (from head to toe) and was left there.

Before I continue, there is a need to clarify that the workers (or some volunteers) at the home were extremely short-handed. It was a ratio of 1 worker to about 15-20 old folks. They were overworked and underpaid, yet they still have very good hearts to continue helping the old folks.

And it happened that our visit to the home coincided with a Christian radio station that did a Christmas program there which lasted for about 3 hours. Amidst the program, they also packed some necessities and gave to each old folk and they were all very happy. It was also a mini appreciation time for the workers of the home whom we all knew worked very hard; some even teared.

Of course there were some old folks that were demanding and agitated but it was all under control. We saw 2 grannies fighting over a plastic bag and immediately, we found another plastic bag to give the other so they would stop. It was later on that we understood that the old folks used plastic bags to keep all their possessions – they were afraid that it would be stolen and so some of them would actually carry a plastic bag wherever they go – some even hid the plastic bags underneath their clothes. Then it dawned upon me: was that all they had to their name in this lifetime? Everything important and/or precious all stuffed into the size of an NTUC plastic bag? It was heartbreaking.

♥this old man hid one, maybe two plastic bags under his t-shirt♥

But despite these, the old folks were all smiles to see us – people visiting them – and the innocence that they portrayed were that of little children. I was touched. Their joy in the Lord was evident. It is a simple decision - to live each day as if it were their last and to enjoy every second of it even though they had been abandoned by their children and the government is slowly withdrawing the funds.

And because the atmosphere was dreary, PH told us to bring the guitar along, go to each row and room to sing Christmas carols to lift the spirit of hopelessness.

What I've Learnt:

While the radio program was running, we were invited to go to the front to sing Joy to the World (again) to the audience. When it ended, they requested for us to sing another song and this time, in mandarin. It was an “oh-no” moment for many of us and thank God, 3 out of the 12 of us knew one mandarin song and so they started the ball rolling and the rest of us just mouthed the words, haha! We were stressed out for that moment but I've learnt that the Lord holds His promises true when He said that we will not be tested beyond what we can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).

♥our humble little performance♥

Later on, the fiancé and another girl from the other team were asked to address the audience by giving simple words of exultation and what the fiancé said amazed me. He said that he came with the intention to give, but he received so much more in return. This was especially so when he saw how some of the old folks, mainly those who have received salvation, displayed such joy and happiness that indeed, the Lord’s joy became their strength (Nehemiah 8:10). Having been abandoned; with no proper bed to sleep on in the night; some were handicapped/crippled that required crawling to get from one place to another; and mostly not being satisfied because they do not enough food to eat everyday; - how can anyone still maintain that smile and joy? If its not because of the hope they have in Christ, they would probably not have the strength to continue living as these circumstances would have eaten them up by now.

And if a packet of fried bee hoon with a piece of fried chicken plus a slice of log cake is enough for your one meal, think about how these old folks would actually split it into 2 portions for the night as they tend to get hungry (which we heard was quite often). So the workers had to cook additional plain rice for the old folks to eat the bee hoon, chicken and log cake with.

♥us packing the chicken wing into the bee hoon♥

♥us cutting the log cake♥

♥lola happy after receiving a new pair of slippers♥

Coming from Singapore and having lived in comfort all my life, I know how picky I am with food and fussy with the rest. To see old people eat food like that broke my heart. And here I am, with all the choices and variety set before me every single day and still I complain. When? When will I finally be contented with all that I already have?

I need to be broken again.

| Restless |

2011-12-09T16:09:00.005+08:00

its so unlike me to post so many pictures at one go (in recent years at least)..so there's gotta be one explanation - im just too R.E.S.T.L.E.S.S!

*screams*

tons of work waiting for me to clear but weekend mode has already kicked in and im just waiting for my weekly meeting @ 430pm and then i'll just count the time until its 6pm. HAHA!

i know. like what's wrong with me right?

well, but im actually quite depressed with the way things are progressing in this office especially the constant changes; i should have known - stupid company!

wedding preps have also officially started and we've been facing huge problems pertaining to our photoshoot locations, some kok-ups with the gowns and so we had to re-schedule our photoshoot for the THIRD time plus so many other things to worry about.

why must we get married??? HAHA!

plus our mission trip is just next week and im so nervous because its my first time.

AAHHHH im this close to breaking down again but i mustn't; i must be strong. God help me!

♥pretty?♥

♥used a photo-editing app on iPhone to transform this, pretty cool eh?♥

♥my current favorite!♥

| Old Friends |

2011-11-24T17:23:00.001+08:00

Old friends are the best, aren’t they?

Over the past weeks, I’ve made a conscious effort in actually meeting the people I said I would meet instead of just saying it. Because procrastination is a stumbling block to building/strengthening relationships. Looking at these precious people whom I’ve met so far (and more to come) – I realize we could have been so much more - we could have been much better friends and built stronger friendships.

Nevertheless, the highlight of course involved cam-whoring, bitching, and some "sharing" aka gossip sessions! We should do this more! :)

♥the three of us since poly days!♥

♥since KC days!♥

| Have You Ever? |

2011-11-18T19:51:00.001+08:00

Have you ever been so stress that you will just sit there, stare into space and start weeping?

I did.

It was only yesterday that this happened. And it freaked the fiancé out.

Is it my failure to handle stress or is everything simply too overwhelming that it caught me off-guard?

Even this morning I was still weeping on my way to work. During my lunch break and I suddenly broke down in tears too.

WHAT IS WRONG?!

I will not blame anyone or anything that happened, only that I'm sorry it did.

And it is now that I'm finally beginning to understand why some people have suicidal thoughts or run into depression because I think that's me right now.

Maybe I just need to be alone to collect myself again. Maybe I just need alot of rest to do the things that I've always wanted to do. Maybe I just need Jesus. Maybe......

| Dates, Dates, Dates |

2011-11-11T16:16:00.001+08:00

while half the world is fussing over today being 11.11.11,

i would like to urge the rest of the world to keep this date in mind, 12.05.12.

hehehe. TGIF and toodles!

| Why? |

2011-11-08T11:54:00.002+08:00

Why issit that some couples keep sucha low profile while planning their weddings and others simply have to fuss over it forgetting how it is suppose to be in God and your parents’ honour that they even wed in the first place?

Over the long weekend, apart from falling terribly sick, we had the opportunity to bless a couple at their church wedding. The beauty of this couple is that they kept it really low profile that we had no idea they were even throwing a dinner banquet - at Grand Hyatt no less - and even headed straight for their honeymoon! Okkayy I got slightly distracted there.

Back to the point. What I really wanted to say was their wedding ceremony was simple yet touching. After their holy matrimony, all the elders, leaders and pastors of the church were invited to pray for the new couple and amidst the prayers were very powerful prophetic words about their destiny together. I couldn’t stop tearing, really.

Wow.

So planning for my own wedding now, trust me, I know how hard it is to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes we just wanna shout it out to the world and hopefully as many people as possible catch a glimpse of that joy that’s in us. Yeah, that is what most couples are like. BUT, we are also audience/public-conscious. Meaning, we know how awkward or uncomfortable such enthusiasm makes some people, especially the singles as well as the to-be-brides/grooms feel, so we keep a nice balance.

I have been dying to blog this for awhile now, so just bear with me.

I have been a jiemei for about 4-5 times. While it is not a high occurrence, I am just trying to highlight my experience. Maybe the brides whom I’ve helped before were really humble, low-key, down-to-earth people with no RARA about them – the really nice people, which was why I readily agreed to help them. But the latest one which I said yes to really tested my patience.

Allow me to exaggerate.

4-5 months before her wedding and she already linked up all her jiemeis via email. Fine. But more recently, starting a groupchat via whatsapp? That is just way overboard man. Look people, I have work. My new job is rather demanding and I have work, tons of it to follow through, tons of it to finish by a certain deadline. Seven Dresses can be quite demanding too but at least I don’t have msgs then keep going off for the entire day and sometimes even for dayS! By the end of the day, my phone batt is flat. Well done, isn’t it?

I get it, you’re excited about your wedding. So am I. But Hello, a lil bit of conscious here would be greatly appreciated, yes?

One more thing about her jiemeis is that one of them is trying to make the couple a surprise video where it would touch them to bits. Honestly, I didn’t sign up for any of these where it had to take up my extra time video-recording. I have no time, period. So when I told them very nicely how I really cannot chip in so much because Hello, I have my own wedding to get busy with, no one wanted to respond. Then they did (after some time), but it was quite a rude response.

And to my horror, I just found out how the gate-crashing was to be on separate weekends and it had to involve some sports. O.M.Y!

I almost died. Can I back out now, seriously? I am so accident-prone and have highly sensitive skin (atopic eczema) and barely 2 months to my own wedding and I have to do all these for you at the risk of hurting/harming myself?! I am honestly having second-thoughts.

Another thing. Meeting up.

How many of you know how shy and sometimes even anti-social I am if I don’t know you well enough? I can just sit there with you, face-to-face staring down at you for hours and not say a word simply because I don’t know you well. So here comes the happy bride-to-be trying to link everyone up 4 months before her actual day for buffets and high-teas and whatnots. Once in October, another in November. I won’t be surprised if there would be another in December, and even January.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am not a rich girl. I do not come from a wealthy family nor do I earn much a month and in fact, owning Seven Dresses and my nett worth is on the declining stage. So, when someone says to have buffets/high-teas on a monthly basis, what is my natural reaction? Painful of course. Why can’t you be a lil bit more considerate and think if others can afford such an extravagant lifestyle like you? One buffet or high-tea to discuss EVERYTHING and I am more than happy to oblige. But once every month? I am really not sure.

And even if the bride-to-be pays for the meals at these meetings, won't we - on the receiving end - feel bad about her having to waste that kind of unnecessary money? I've a heart, you know?

So if you ask me why am I penning this? I’ll tell you why. Its because I need an outlet.

I’m happy for all the brides-to-be in the world – myself included – but please, be considerate.

| Awhile Now |

2011-11-03T14:14:00.002+08:00

i've been trying to link this blog to my facebook for awhile now and i think im almost successful haha ;p

well, truth is, i have much to say.

after celebrating the fiance's birthday over the last 2 weekends and his 2-week long ICT, things are becoming back to normal. a lil glimpse of paradise and i was a happy girl again. :)

♥ you & i ♥

the sun, the sand and the sea - im definitely travel and holiday deprived. and the next thing to look forward to is our mission trip to the philippines in December.

♥ nature - loves ♥

♥ you & i ♥

♥ happy girl ♥

| "i don't think i can ever love anyone else as much as i love you" |

2011-10-25T13:49:00.002+08:00

thats what the fiancé said to me the other night after we finished a heated argument.

he can be so sweet at times and so exasperating at the same time haha but well, guess no one is perfect and we all learn to love each other despite our weaknesses. i find this especially true since each day, we are getting closer and closer to being husband and wife.

came across this article on facebook the other day - posted by the big sista and trust me, definitely worth your 3 minutes:

Three Keys To A Great Marriage

"...A man shall leave his father and mother and the two shall become one flesh..." - Mark 10:7-8

There is a key verse on marriage that is found only once in the Old Testament and twice in the New. The theme is clear: We are to leave, cleave, and weave.

Leave - A man shall leave his mother and father. This is about prioritizing our spouse over parents, children, siblings, and friends. Our spouse should be our best friend. If you are married, and closer to any person other than your spouse, your priorities are out of whack!

Cleave - Cleave to his wife. The word cleave means to join fast together, to glue, or cement. These definitions imply there will always be pressures to pull the marriage apart. (Things like busyness, work, demands from children, money, health problems, infidelity, and so on). In short, marriage is about lifetime commitment.

Weave - The two shall become one flesh. Sexual intimacy and fulfillment is a by-product of a healthy marriage relationship. It symbolizes how a husband and wife become one.

Leave. Cleave. Weave. Three keys to a great marriage.

Credits: http://rightfromtheheart.org/devo/717#.Tp74JRZWjfs.facebook

| A Future? |

2011-09-21T01:06:00.000+08:00

a leopard never changes its spots.

how true.

people who refuse to get help always fall right back into the same problem.

prestige, reputation, social-standing, surface beauty, peer pressure, "face".

and i can't help but wonder, is there a future? even if there is, it will definitely not be happily-ever-after.

| Letting Go |

2011-07-26T23:37:00.004+08:00

"time flies". i've heard this two words resound many times today.

had wanted to blog about my first ever surgical procedure but looks like that would be another day.

today the ex-boss and his family returned home. tasked with setting up a new subisidiary, he left everything and came here with that mission 3 years ago bringing his family along with him. he was a good person who was tough; a great boss who treated me well - more than what i could have asked for. it was my lost.

i couldn't have asked for a better boss. and truly, it is in losing that i realise the value of what i once had. if there's ever a chance again, i would wanna work for him again.

there were many familiar faces today. at first, i was apprehensive about attending the dinner tonight but when i got there, that familiarity overwhelmed me, reminding me of how loved i once was.

i would never be in that position again because i've lost that right a long time ago.

im tired. emotionally, physically and mentally. i've been fighting the guilt game for awhile now and truth be said, i did heave a sigh of relief when i knew of his posting back home - at least that lessened my guilt. but after tonight, i realise i can never completely erase this baggage.

and so it goes, another chapter, another time that i can only watch from the outside because now, its time to finally let go.

| Randoms |

2011-07-13T02:26:00.002+08:00

and it starts - I'm losing sleep.

guess being idle has its downs too.

it's officially been 5 weeks since I left employment..I wonder why am I even counting it.

miss fussing everyday over what to wear to work and miss being in my heels all day long. I buy clothes I don't even have the opportunity to wear now and heels I have nowhere to wear them to except during the weekends.

the only "work" that keeps me occupied is Seven Dresses and even then, it isn't anything so busy that it would occupy my whole day (except for when I'm packing and counting stock).

I've stopped sending out resumes for awhile now because I've become very disillusioned after being offered 4 jobs and either rejecting them or taking too long to consider. thought I knew what I wanted in a job and where I wanted my career to go from here but now I'm not so sure anymore.

and seeing the fiancé splurge his hard-earned money on haircut and a Gucci wallet, all in the name of "rewarding himself" and "relaxation" made me feel worser of myself - what am I doing still unemployed for so long?!

and please don't judge me because I am just pouring my heart now - that's what my blog is for.

but after having said all these, I do know what this means - that I must learn to trust entirely on God and in His providence. and only in His time will the right job come, but question is, how long more?

Pastor Yang spoke about Fulfillment last week and it was clear. he spoke briefly on fulfilling our individual destiny and it made me wonder what my destiny is in life.

prior to his message, Nat shared about body, soul and spirit and how the signs that appear in our lives may not necessarily be from God since the devil too, can conjure up signs and wonders especially now that we are in the last days. but more importantly, what stood out was how he mentioned that it is our spirit that communes with God and I thought to myself: how many times have I heard from God through my spirit? I confess how highly distracted a person I am and I lose focus easily. apart from that I am also an innate thinker where I constantly think about logic and how certain things make sense or not, and not to mention how I have my fair share of daydreams and stuff. so, when or how can my spirit finally take control and listen to what God is saying to me? I mean I envy those people whom can hear God so easily. of course, it could jolly well be from their own soul or spirit, but if they really have control over their spirit and are constantly communing with God, then wouldn't it be so wow? I wanna be one of them too but how?

being at the crossroads now, I start questioning about life and where I fit into God's big plan.

sometimes interviewers ask the silliest things but some of those questions do get me thinking.

well, but it's a milestone today. it's the day we select our HDB unit but I don't feel a thing save for a grateful heart. I am happy and looking forward to our own home (and a new one at that) but that would only be in the next 3-4 years' time. nevertheless, it could only be God's grace that has shown us favor that we have been given a unit.

and now, I think I'm ready to fall asleep.

| Photoshoot |

2011-07-04T02:10:00.004+08:00

told myself no matter what, i must blog today.

well firstly to update: i rejected the third job offer after all. even though the location was considered in the east side, it was fairly difficult getting there so i dropped the whole idea. besides, i didn't like the fact that there was salary-negotiating involved - i think that prospective employers who do that are very cheap. haha no offence.

so now i'm still looking around for jobs, and i'm certain that the one job that God has for me hasn't come yet. and in the meantime, i am still finding myself, clearing up some stuff personally and for Seven Dresses as well, preparing here and there for my wedding next year. and yet in the midst of this light affliction, my hopes are lifted up a lil, but i shan't disclose anything until i can confirm something. till then.

and now, the thing that got me speechless - our photoshoot for Seven Dresses today.

*sigh

i admit i am not the best model around. im not good looking or slim enough; i have short legs and fat thighs; and the width of my hips is just indescribable. my arms are also flabby and i have a bulging tummy and the list goes on and on and on but i tried, and really hard today in fact. i've even gotten the big sista to help do my make-up and especially the hairstyling which was almost different for each outfit. because i am currently jobless and have no additional income to pay anyone to model for me so i've got to do it myself even though i really don't prefer. and we put in tons of effort today just to realise that some of the pics went MISSING!

i broke down.

so now the earliest i can launch a new collection is Tuesday and that is provided we do a re-shoot tomorrow night when the fiance is home after work. but i am just so exasperated that i need to blog this out.

and yes, now i feel better. :)

shall leave you with this picture with piccolo who couldn't resist coming in to check on us every once in a while..that darling boy!

♥♥♥

| Closure? |

2011-06-15T16:36:00.002+08:00

a third offer came today and because i felt pretty comfortable with it, i accepted it. will officially start on monday.

thoughts of my ex-company flooded me in that instance. couldn't decide if i should email my ex-bosses or to blog first..decided that since i couldn't email without first pouring my heart out, i succumbed to my blog.

since leaving and joining that horrible company, i've been doing alot of thinking. i cannot deny that i still tear at the thought of how i gave up serving such wonderful bosses all in the name of "pursuing my dreams".

how much are dreams worth anyway?

and then, i finally came to terms with myself and with reality - it wasn't so much because i wanted to pursue what i called "my dream"; it was more of the fact that they placed more emphasis on everything else except on human resources - the one thing i thought was most important in a company. human resources are the legs a company stand on, without them, there wouldn't be any profit or accounts to speak of. but sadly, we weren't on the same page.

then there was also the unseen and unheard politicking that was going on with just two female staff. she makes a good friend, but not a good colleague. for someone who talked alot about wanting to be the 'pioneer' of the company; who gloated at every opportunity when the company esteemed her more than me; and who wouldn't stop putting me and the nature of my job down, she had set her sights on staying in the company till she hits 60 and retires. i couldn't win her in that aspect and because i don't politick, i chose to leave.

but was it worth it? was leaving my bosses and getting a job that paid me higher than her worth it? no, it wasn't. but i proved a point - that i was worth more than her somewhere else, that human capital is still the most crucial asset a company should invest in.

through this, i've truly learnt that money cannot buy happiness. and even though its been more than 2 months since i left, i still harbor thoughts of going back and working for them. and if they were to offer me the same job with everything remaining status quo, i will accept and stay on till i am happily married with kids, till forever. haha but i know it will never happen, they will never take me back because i've given up my only chance, and nobody gives second chances except God.

nevertheless, there must be a closure. because some day, i hope to look back at my life and not cry or tear anymore at this lost opportunity.

| Not Now, Not Ever |

2011-06-15T01:01:00.001+08:00

continuing from where i left off (from my last entry), my last day with that horrid company was 27 May - good riddance!

i was never happier even though i fell sick and you guessed it right - it was because of some irresponsible people in that office. *bleah* i just have something against that company and everyone in that office, save for the elected few.

thinking back and like I mentioned, reckon that if i had wanted to, i could have bit my lips and stayed on. but i did not mainly because after his horrid display to a staff who'd worked for him for the past 7 months; it was a big no-no for me. for someone who could not even respect his staff says nothing of his integrity - if he even had any left.

thus i left. leaving was the only right thing i know.

it was, to date, the most horrifying job experience that i never want to speak of again. not now, not ever.

----

went for my first church camp (in years) and had a blast there with the girls..and the fiancé. came back last week and now, job-hunting.

lost count of the number of interviews i went but so far, i've rejected 2 job offers. no particular reason, except that i'm learning to hear God more clearly. and because i haven't heard, i did not take those jobs up.

i don't deny it can get quite depressing to be home and going for interviews after interviews and yet the right job hasn't come, its easy to lose hope in God and myself and things around especially since i have a wedding and honeymoon to save up for, but my Lord is faithful. the right one is coming soon, i just have to be patient. if the Lord has so graciously given us a flat at the recent almost-impossible balloting exercise, what more would He have in store for his son and daughter?

| Old & New |

2011-05-13T14:21:00.002+08:00

Just met up with a friend/ex-colleague for lunch near my old office. As the taxi turned in, tears welled up my eyes. I still miss that oh-so-familiar place where I spent the happiest times working.

As we sat down, I secretly hoped I would see a familiar face whenever the door swung open; how silly of me. Knowing very well I wouldn't be able to control my emotions if I ever saw my ex-boss again now, and still a part of me wanted to see and know if he and the rest are doing ok.

Im hopeless.

We chatted while we waited for our food and when she asked how the new job was, I was honest and shared with her what I was going through. She, like all the rest, thought that I was happy here. So it really came as a surprise to her when she heard about my plight. But she's always been sweet to me and I thank the Lord, from the bottom of my heart, for her friendship.

On a lighter note, today marks another milestone – a decade together with the fiancé.

Happy 10th Anniversary love, so glad its always been you! ♥

| Interview |

2011-05-10T15:12:00.000+08:00

Had an interview this morning and now is the time where I am officially allowed to emo.

Perhaps there was a better FIT this time round, but they will only let me know in mid-June since this position is only required from July onwards. The practical side of me knows I cannot possibly resign now and be jobless without knowing if I will ever get this job - especially where there was a long list of candidates that the HR manager had in his possession albeit trying to hide from my view – but it does not conceal the fact that every cell in my body wants to get out of this company!

I’ve considered the possibilities and the alternatives, gave it a shot for a while now, and still I cannot see myself here for long.

Call me stubborn, but I've made up my mind on leaving and this time, I will have to make a decision to tender either on 13 May or 16 May because I still need to serve two weeks’ notice.

I have peace whenever I think about leaving this company. The only uneasy thing I feel is not securing a job first. But leaving I know is a right decision, something ive never been more certain of. So now; its the TIMING.

Thought of my ex-bosses again during the interview and had to fight back the emotions. But I no longer sob uncontrollably when I think of how cruel reality is. Im into my 4th week and I’ve seen past the tears, regrets and pain. It was my bad, so I can only move on now. And im praying for that one job that will let me work on from now till I am married with kids. Yes, I hope to work that long in my next company.

| 9am to 6.15pm? |

2011-05-06T17:11:00.000+08:00

Thank God for iPhone. Truly, its one of the best inventions ever!
I cannot imagine being at work, facing a dinosaur-slow computer with virtually every website blocked, having nothing nor much to do and just waiting for the world to go by from 9am - 6.15pm. Yes the working hours suck.

Question: Didn’t you know about the working hours before you accepted the job?
Answer: No I had no idea.
Dang!

It was only after I signed the employment letter and started work did I realize the official working hours for this particular department is 9am to 6.15pm and even then, all eyes would be on me if I attempt to leave punctually even though I am so early for work now than where I was! It’s ridiculous!

I don’t deny how this is partly my fault for not asking properly and just assuming, complete blooper on my part I know. BUT they should have made it clearer. Oh and another thing, they have no employee handbook, nothing at all to govern the company’s human resources and/or terms and conditions of employment. So sad! How can a conglomerate not have such basic information for its employees? I was appalled! Although I'm slowly coming to terms with it now.

Like I said, there’s really nothing wrong with this job. The only thing wrong is how he should not have painted a completely different picture of the working environment (which isn’t beautiful) plus beautifying the expectations of this position. Looking back, its as if he was frantically adding icing to the cake where all these while, the joke was actually on me! He could have been honest and forefront about how sucky the way things; the extremely high turnover rate in his department alone (like more than 10 staff in 15 years?! something is definitely wrong here). He did not have to resort to hiding the truth and to a certain extent, lying. Right from the start, he already displayed a lack of integrity, so tell me, how could I continue working for a person like him? I cannot.

I am definitely leaving, its just a matter of time now.

That said, he is not too bad to me, although he is starting to show his fangs.

Day by day, until I leave this place, I will slowly uncover everything that happened along the way - the hints that I failed to see and the signs that I missed. Till then.

| "Reset" Button |

2011-05-04T17:32:00.002+08:00

3 weeeks ago, i lamented on how sorry i was to have left my previous job that had wonderful bosses and a great environment with good colleagues. that was the darkest period of my life - i cried every single day - on my way to work in the train when i take an extra stop to Raffles Place instead of good ol' City Hall, in the shower and in church when i pray and sing to my Lord. i couldn't sleep well, which was quite unusual because im sucha pig but strangely i still ate like a pig *snorts

i wondered if there was a "reset" button in life for me to turn back time to carefully seek counsel from my cell leaders and parents; to carefully watch the hints and signs that God dropped along my way from the time i attended this interview to the time i was offered this job, right up to the time i signed the appointment letter and tendered my resignation and everything that happened during the one month that i served my notice (my ex-bosses kept asking me to reconsider and to take back the resignation letter even on my last day of work!); to pay attention to His still small voice that was telling me to "STAY PUT"; to prayerfully ask and know that when i don't hear anything from Him, it means to stay put wherever i was! i cannot emphasise enough on how my time in my third company was not up yet and still i chose to harden my heart to leave. that's why i said making that decision to leave my previous employment was a very painful one.

i've given this job a shot for close to 3 weeks now and i still don't feel comfortable here. my colleagues treat me well and so does the now-boss BUT i still cannot bring myself to really care for the now-boss like how i geniunely cared for my other bosses before. i've also been trying my best-est to adapt to the environment here which is working well and though things have improved and im no longer crying or fearful coming to work now, i honestly still do not enjoy my time here or what im doing.

the picture that the now-boss painted at the interview and the actual job scope are world's apart. i reckon i could continue working here, but i wouldn't be happy and i wont be true to myself; its like the past 3 weeks had been a lie and i don't wanna continue living a lie because right from the onset, this job was never meant to be! i was attracted to a different portfolio and the opportunies i thought this job would give me, and of course the money and not to mention, the silly thought that would put me on par with the fiancé because he sometimes, unknowingly puts me and my job down, but i was so wrong. money cannot buy happiness. and is it only when we lose something that we begin to realise the value of what we had.

i can never turn back time or gain the trust of my ex-bosses again. plainly said, they will never take me back even if there was a vacancy. try and hope as hard as i might, with humans, there is no such thing as second chances and i don't blame them, it was my bad. a huge mistake i made that i would have to live with for the rest of my life. but God is merciful, He hasn't left me; He's still here.

and He's been opening doors of opportunies for me i.e. interviews and though so far there's no news, i think that maybe, just maybe i will get something soon. i guess this is what they call "exercising faith". i know something is gonna happen soon, i just dunno what or where so i will prayerfully wait upon the Lord. last week's sermon talked about God putting different seasons in our lives to prepare us for the things ahead and one season the speaker spoke about was that of being monotonous. and when it is that season - which was what i was experiencing in my ex-company - we have to remain where we are because God is teaching us how to be faithful and to learn the spirit of enduring. if only i heard this sermon a month ago, without a qualm, i would definitely have taken back my resignation letter.

so i've been doing alot of thinking. im not afraid or fearful anymore because i know that my future in Him is safe and secured. but im really praying for another chance to honor God by showing loyalty to another company and to a boss and its definitely not in this company and the now-boss.

nevertheless i learnt something through this incident - my calling in life (apart from Seven Dresses) and how im always intertwined with this particular country. like in my first job, the company i worked for carried products from that country, and i almost had that chance of a free trip if not for some personal reasons and i resigned. then came my second job where i really matured; it was a refining process that God used to mould me through the course of my part-time studies. after 4 years in that job and it was time to go, i was never more certain about that and thereafter landed myself in my third job and again related to that country. so maybe that country is where my calling is...and maybe one day, God will bring me there to do full-time missionary work! but for now, i am certain about the path that God has laid out for me and this time round, i'll know when God speaks to me.

| Jobs |

2011-04-15T20:18:00.000+08:00

I've held many jobs before, but only three main jobs are recorded on my current CV.

thing about jobs is you somehow have a hunch on the first day whether you'd last there - those you know were meant to last, and those you know were never meant to be.

and this is one such job - my fourth official job in a big company that is paying me well (at the market rate of a graduate..well at least that's what I choose to believe) but there's something about my first day today that made me regret my decision to leave my previous employment.

I didn't fit in. try as hard as I could but somehow I felt awkward with these girls. they were all of managerial positions, some my age and others older. I don't think it's because of my inferior complex that made me feel left out, it's something else that I can't quite put my finger on it.

maybe I just miss my ex-boss and my all-so-familiar environment that this new place with new people are too foreign.

Jesus, I need strength.

| Emo |

2011-04-13T01:22:00.000+08:00

my current location is in Hongkong and im penning this entry via my iPhone in my friend's place.

it's our last night and I'm feeling super emo :(

the weather had been great and I'm sitting on the bed enjoying the 20 degree cool sea breeze blow in my face; her house is just at the harbor.

we've thoroughly enjoyed our time here, with both her and her husband's hospitality - it was amazing how easy-going this couple is! I'm truly thankful for their friendship and their generosity in extending their house to us to stay during this period. no amount of words can express our gratitude except we would love to return and spend time with them both again! :)

the places they brought us to and the food we ate made us feel as though we've never been to Hongkong even though it's our third or fourth time here (pun intended haha!).

*sigh

when I first booked the air ticket here, it was meant to be an escape route from reality - one that I know would be hard to get over as closing another and starting a new chapter in life was never easy.

Friday came and went and it was my last day at work. and just like that, my time with them came to an end. it was hard not to shed tears; after all my now ex-boss and I did go through pretty much. i thought he was extremely strict with me but that was only because he wanted me to learn and grow with him as well as the company. it's my bad for throwing in the white towel so soon...and if this new job offer never came, I would never leave. though you read about me complaining a few entries about him and work, it really was just a rant-and-release kinda thing that everyone would go through at some point in their lives. I just hope the decision that I made would be in line with my Father's plans.

goodnight world, let me enjoy my last night in Hongkong.

| Quick Update |

2011-04-06T22:23:00.005+08:00

March was a month of many happenings yet i did not manage to pen them down one by one. BUSY is the excuse you make in a society like ours. so i've decided to do it in point form before all that happened fades away like a blurry:

- we now own our domain! pls log on to www.sevendresses.sg or http://sevendresses.sg for pretty and affordable dresses!

- also along the lines of Seven Dresses, we have converted one room to be our home studio. God provided and made the whole transition rather smooth; the only thing left is to buy an air cooler (because the white background is directly over the windows!) plus the studio lightings. am hoping we could get cheap yet good second-hand lights.

- tendered my resignation on 11 March; the day the huge earthquake and tsunami took place in Japan. my last working day is in 2 days' time. was a major struggle before i made the decision and it was a painful one.

- we've confirmed a hotel for our banquet. paid the deposit though we have yet to sign the contract. both side of parents loved it!

- met up with Pastor Daphne and she's given the green light for us to go right ahead to confirm our church wedding on 12 May 2012! praise the Lord!

- experienced our very first car boot sale though its for our other blogshop Missy Hand me Down instead. turnout was bad BUT we managed to clear off some stuff so praise God for that too!

these were some of the bigger milestones hence im making the extra effort to pen them down. everything is going well at the moment except for our self-manufactured designs for Seven Dresses. extremely disappointment with one supplier who is still holding onto the sample piece of my 2nd design plus my Seven Dresses' labels because her factory misplaced both MY items!

as such, we have asked another supplier to manufacture a 3rd (and different) design for us. this one seems strange too. was suppose to meet her a week ago but she had the appointment changed to today but she called to say she's leaving her shop because "there's nobody" today.

?!

im really praying that she would not display the same attitude as the first supplier (for our 2nd design) or i would really give up manufacturing my own designs for good!

anyway, its all for the glory of God. burn for Him.

| Dreams (Part 2) |

2011-02-24T15:39:00.000+08:00

When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality.

Job

Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country, or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.

When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me that I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.

Relationships

Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from the ones that don’t give you everything you need. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

Counselling

Twenty-five is also a great time to start counselling, if you haven’t already, and it might be a good round two of counselling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.

Church

Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.

Don't get stuck

This is the thing: when you start to hit 28 or 30, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults.

And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep travelling honestly along life’s path.

still on the topic of dreams, i was pretty inspired by the above article when i first read it somewhere on facebook. and needless to say, there were some crazy ideas that stemmed out. im an innate thinker, i cant help it.

so the fiancé and i had a talk 2 nights ago. guess i'd been feeling all emotional for some time now, plus this article gave me some insights into my own life, so this talk was very much needed and appreciated.

i asked if he could give me 3 months to go live in a different country and find myself, fulfill my dream of independence. its not hard and i reckon it could be done - resign from this job or get a sabbatical of about 2-3 months unpaid leave, fly to someplace, live among the people and do what they do and live a life that is totally different from here. its the experience that i crave for. its the difference that i wanna feel. its the sweet smell of independence and freedom that i've been longing for - is that so wrong?

but his reply really hurt.

i fail terribly as a fiancée. the fiancé confessed that he feels there are many regrets in my life - my regret of saying yes to his proposal, regret that we are going to get married, and worse, regret the past 10 years together!

that came as a very painful "ouch" for me.

i had spent close to half of my lifetime with this person and just when we are almost making it to the finishing line where it will bring us to a new chapter of life and it looks like we both have different dreams and ideals now.

yes i don't deny the fact that ive always been a more 'dreamy' person, whereas he's the more practical and down-to-earth guy. but that doesnt mean im not realistic.

how many of my dreams have i already given up for him?

i'll be 28 this year. i've never really done anything i ever wanted to. i've always been a good girl, listening and obeying whatever authority that has been placed above me. i've always been prim and proper. and even when i had to see each of my dreams and ideals crumble slowly before me, i cried and cried till the cows came home but i still accepted it by the grace of God.

and now that we are in the midst of preparing a wedding that i have no idea where to begin from because we have so many concerns and advices coming from so many people, i only have one thing to say:

make it happen.

| Dreams |

2011-02-18T18:24:00.001+08:00

you know how people have dreams and aspirations to do something or be someone? so being human, naturally over the years, i'd grown to have my own sets of dreams and ideals too, even though i don't publicly talk about it or announce them.

today one dream re-visited me again. albeit talking about this many times before and knowing how impossible it is to achieve, i still can't seem to let it go.

australia was one such dream.
and now this was another dream.

maybe that's why they are called dreams, because they never make it to reality.

as much as i love the fiancé, its sad that these 2 dreams were shattered by him...and it still hurts when i think about it sometimes. those were missed opportunities that we can never chase 'em back again.

so while he's trying hard to make up for lost time, making promises im praying he'll be able to keep, i on the other hand am working real hard in letting these 2 dreams go, and hopefully by the time i walk down the aisle, i would have completely let 'em both go.

| Bridal Shop |

2011-02-17T15:37:00.004+08:00

notice the wedding ticker/countdown on the left side of my blog?

didnt realise it'll be that long before the big day so the ticker really came as a shock to me! haha nevertheless, it will serve as a useful reminder when i forget. *tsk

was suppose to visit the bridal shop today to discuss about the wedding shoot and stuff, but the fiancé is unwell and so he's settling everything via the telephone. i know that its a tad too early to choose the gowns now, especially since i had already been lectured by the fiancé, but i was really kinda looking forward to making a trip there today.

i guess donning the wedding gown and being a bride will always be every girls' dreams. i just dunno when will it really really be my turn. do you think i will cry when that day comes? ah, enough of being sappy and emo already! my posts haven't been any positive of late and i need to get my act together.

i'll be good and go home early. besides, its jogging day today anyway so its just as well.

♥ i like her hairdo!

| No More |

2011-02-11T23:54:00.001+08:00

i've just been counselled on how its "ungodly" of the fiancé and myself to be travelling alone when we are not married.

who can i blame?
issit the society we live in now? the role models in my life? or the fact that we will only wed in 2012?

so i've been advised to abstain from travelling alone with him until we are married, lest we "stumble" other Christians along the way.

well for your info, come May 2011, i would have been with the fiancé for 10years; of which, we have been engaged for 7 years. even though we will only wed in 2012, i think we would have at least earned some rights to holiday together alone, no?

NO.

im upset. its an awfully long time to not travel anywhere and just stay in singapore from now until 2012. plus lesser chance of importing more pretty clothes for Seven Dresses. :(

people always say "be yourself", but when we are really, they can't handle it and even bring God's name out. what else can i say? i've been living my life as such before i knew of this "truth", which could be real truth, or "truth" that was imagined by men.

talk is cheap. its so easy for people to say/advise/preach/teach. you think its easy being together for 10 years and not be able to do many things without someone telling you it wrong/unacceptable/ungodly?!

HOW MANY OF YOU CAN STAND UP AND TELL ME YOU'VE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SAME PERSON FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS WITHOUT BEING MARRIED AND THINK THAT ITS EASY MAINTAINING IT?

if anyone can look me in the eye and say its easy to find/do novel things without leaving the country then i'll SHUT my mouth and swallow all my grievances once and for all.

they say length does not matter. well im saying now, TAKE LENGTH INTO CONSIDERATION the next time you wanna talk to me about what is right and what is wrong.

im still leaving tomorrow nevertheless, and we'll be extra careful. journey mercy and prayers for safety will still be accepted but nothing else.

peace.

| Tension |

2011-02-11T08:47:00.002+08:00

its friday and I'm barely on my way to work now, and so it means that I'll be pretty late. regardless, am extremely pleased with the way technology has advanced - I can now blog while on the go!

I realise that in my earlier post, I had written on the impending "appraisal" I was due to have with my boss that fateful Monday. it did happen, just that it wasn't like what I expected. for me, it was a less-than-5mins kinda thing whereas he took about an hour with the other staff. reason for the difference? i still have my doubts.

I guess this is what I'm really trying to say:

never mind about the fact that you added new and heavier job scope to my current portfolio WITHOUT any pay increment;
never mind about the fact that I am a darn GRADUATE and still I'm not within the market rate in terms of salary;
never mind about the fact that I do whatever tasks I'm given to the best of my ability, including those jobs that no graduate in the right mind would wanna do and most of the time without complaining, even though I do make careless mistakes sometimes;

but now that I'm asking for the company to reimburse my mobile bills because my number is now given out to almost every international party whom I will probably be expecting calls from (and which I already had the other night), and still he wants to deny me!?

unbelievable.

so today he wants to speak with me regarding this matter and my hunch? he won't allow it.

I had already previously refrained myself from confronting him regarding the increased workload and no pay increment, but today I may just spill it all out.

Father, please help me control myself and continue to submit to the authority Yoi have placed over me later in that talk. I pray for wisdom to know how to rebut him and at the same time, for Your will to be done - whether I should stick on in this job or move on, in Jesus' name I pray, amen.

| Mind Games |

2011-01-10T00:45:00.000+08:00

12.27am and i can't sleep.

many things are weighing my mind now but the top issue is the performance appraisal that i am scheduled with my boss tomorrow..i think.

seemed like just yesterday that i joined this company but its almost 1.5 years that i've been here.

my boss isn't exactly the most accomodating person around..mostly because he is a foreigner so culture, tradition and what-nots are after all very different. i remember in my initial 3 months with him, we spent the most intense time together - something which i would rather not remember, mention or go through again.

so to very honest, i am terrified of this appraisal tomorrow. i do not know what nasty/horrible/hurting/demeaning thing he would say to me again but i sure hope that i would be strong enough to accept whatever he has to say. God's grace would be sufficient for me.

i mean, what's the worst that could happen? i'll just be given a poor grade for the darn appraisal that i created and not be given any increment, right?

i mean, if the authority that God has placed upon me has decided that i am not fit for an increment or a good appraisal grade, then i would have no choice but to accept the outcome with grace right?

fine. so that settles that.

another thing is, since a few months ago, he had asked for me to widen my job scope because he think that i have "alot of room to learn". simply decoded, he means that i am too free at work and instead of spending my time surfing the net, msn-ing and more recently gtalk-ing, facebook-ing, and sometimes even movie-watching, i'd better do something useful before i resign or am asked to leave.

so of course i accepted his proposal. did i have a choice? no.

and so being the innate thinker that i am, i have been pondering on why he would want to give me this additional workload and below are my conclusions:

1) he values me too much and doesn't want me to resign (outta boredom). so to keep me, he decided that it would be good for me to learn something new and spend my time more wisely. by doing so, i would feel more accomplished (fulfilling my self-actualisation need under Maslow's hierarchy of needs) because i now have a new challenge and something to look forward too so i wouldn't leave.

2) he's sick and tired of my mundane routine of wasting my precious time and the company's resources. so its either he gives me this workload and i accept, OR i would be asked to leave.

which is which?

*sigh

its hard playing mind games. i just want to live a very simple life, can?

| Surprise Surprise! |

2010-12-29T15:00:00.003+08:00

♥ surprise!

in a short span of 2 months, i'd been so blessed to have received more surprises than i could actually bargain for at any one point of time in my life.

the fiancé, i must say, is getting better at planting surprises for me! *beams*

although the trip to Bali wasn't a surprise in itself, everything else that came along that 3D2N was - the photography that was experiential, and most importantly, the proposal in Bali *blushes*.

i mean seriously, what are the chances that i or anyone for that matter, would have the honour of being flown to an exotic island, be waited upon like a princess every step of the way, and then be swept away with a marraige proposal by the only guy i ever loved in my life?

answer: zero.

call the fiancé a hopeless romantic, but he sure did win me over effortlessly.

and even when he was away on a business trip in Shanghai, he bought Tiffany & Co's signature pendant (above pic) just before he left and hid it somewhere in my room, giving me extremely vague clues to work with.

haha but it was his entertainment for me. he had hoped that lil treasure hunt would take my mind off missing him but i have to say, that was an uphill task especially after close to a decade of constantly seeing him, i'll never get used to not seeing/hearing from him for more than a day.

only thing i don't understand is: how on earth did he manage to hide stuff so quietly in my room?

| when Man tries to play God... |

2010-12-23T17:01:00.001+08:00

yesterday while i was on Facebook, i saw my friend 'liked' the Action for Singapore Dogs (ASD) page. out of curiosity, i clicked on it and 'liked' it too and started reading. slowly i got directed to their main website where i would spend the next hour reading and crying over some of the most heartwrenching fates these poor dogs suffered.

it wasn't an emotional and hasty decision that i made, rather, it was something i had always wanted to do - help these dogs.

read on and realised i could do my part in sponsoring them i.e. by pledging a monthly maintenance fee of $35. the money mainly helps to defray the high costs of (dog) living plus medication that some of them require etc.

and like the kids we will be sponsoring in Uganda and Sri Lanka under the Cornerstone Kids' Sponsorship Programme (believe the page has not been updated for 2011 yet), i will also be sponsoring 2 dogs here in Singapore under the ASD. best part is, we get to visit and play with them at Lim Chu Kang! in addition, i have also pledged to sponsor another child in Uganda under Seven Dresses too!

im so thrilled at these opportunities that are knocking on my door! not many people have the chance to help the people/animals that they want to and i am so thankful i am given both these chances.

for the Lord has so graciously blessed us in abundance, with no worry of food, shelter and safety here in Singapore, its time we step outta our comfort zone and start blessing others by contributing a little.

| Relationships |

2010-12-10T16:22:00.002+08:00

what would it take for something to break?
what would it take for someone to be lost and never return?

people say when the hurt is done, no amount of regret will set things back again.
but don't we serve a Living God who makes miracles? then why does the impossible seem impossible when we know jolly well if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, it will be made possible?

my heart feels sad when i think about 3 individuals who very unfortunately, are involved in a love triangle...or so it seems.

you would think its silly for both girls to fall out because of the guy.
BUT they could have fallen out because of how one girl hurt the other girl unknowingly.

*sigh

-----------------

the fiancé is flying to Shanghai on monday for a work trip again and after the KL incident, it just spells trouble. am trying not to think about it and let nature take its course.

when will it be my turn though? to go overseas for a business trip? that will be the day, HA!

speaking of which, can i whine?

i miss being busy. as odd as it may sound, i wanna be flooded with work the minute i step into office at 9am, be swarmed by emails until lunch time, have lunch, and then be whisked away again by the amount of work that needs my expertise (which i may not know what that is now BUT im certain i'll find that out soon) until 5.30pm.

yeah, thats the kind of life i miss - being important.

i miss bitching around with someone regarding work.
i miss having email wars and typing mean emails to "shoot" the other person 'cause i know i'll always win HA.
i miss wearing smart corporate office wear to work.
i miss sitting in meetings and learning new stuff.
i miss LEARNING NEW IMPRESSIVE STUFF that will wow me.
i miss ignoring the fiancé and not calling him throughout the day because im so busy i don't have time for him so then it'll be HIS turn to miss me.
i even miss OT-ing sometimes.

*double sigh

maybe i should resign and find myself a job with better prospects and give up Seven Dresses or spend lesser time on it? not to say that this job doesn't have any prospects, its just that barely a year into this job and im beginning to wonder what my purpose is in here?

can it be solely for Seven Dresses?

or maybe i should really take up operations on top of my job scope to increase my value and time in here?

seeking God for an answer.

-----------------

a friend is upset with the fiancé for something he did playfully which unknowingly hurt him. though this friend has said that he's no longer upset with the fiancé, my guess is it'll be pretty hard to get him out for any gathering in future.

friendships are fragile. i've seen how because of something so trivia can end a friendship and distant two people for years. though forgiveness is the key here, who would have the magnanimity (and knowledge) to forgive when you are only 11yrs old? thats why i dont have much friends. in my childhood, i've hurt far too many precious people who do not wish to be my close friends anymore. and even if they are still friends with me, they are mostly superficial.

of all that i've hurt, i remember vividly the one closest friend i had in primary 5 whom i hurt so badly that she never spoke to me again - even when we went up to secondary school together. until now i still feel so bad i would tear when i think about it. we could have been the best-est friends ever...but that wasn't too be.

i see her on facebook now all happy, accomplished and married. i feel so happy for her. truly, from the bottom of my heart.

did i go off-topic? ahh still on friendship. so yes, i don't want the fiancé to lose a friend just like that because they could be so much more if the friendship remains. i hope things go well.

-----------------

have you ever heard of a sabbatical from cell group/church/God? i mean its strange isnt it? that anyone would want a break from God where He's obviously omnipotent and hence always with us?

totally unacceptable.

do we humans, even have the right to request that God be away from us for awhile? NO! its just crap.

-----------------

you know i have SO MUCH i wanna say! this is what happens when i stop blogging for awhile. TONS of things i need to shout out.

last evening we attended an Indian wedding in an Indian temple just across my office. it was the fiancé's old friend who was getting hitched. apart from the cultural experience, it must have been at least 3-4 years since they last saw this boy and maybe about a year or two with the other 2 friends whom attended as well. everyone changed and everyone is different now. but you could tell that he was so happy and touched to see 3 of his primary school friends turn up for his big day. so nice.

of these 2 friends whom i know as well, im sorta closer with one than the other. and in the midst of our conversation when he said there was no need to bring his girlfriend along, his reply was "you wanted to follow tz one what".

*speechless*

that caught me. i was apalled because that sentence seemed to have implied that i never gave the fiancé his freedom, that i would always wanna follow wherever he went. while that may be true to a certain extent, i do not shamelessly follow or insist that he brings me out for every function where i am not welcomed or allowed to be in. so let me get this straight once and for all - IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN, OUT OF HIS OWN HEART TO SHOW HIS GIRLFRIEND OFF TO THE WORLD THAT HE BROUGHT ME ALONG WHEREVER HE WENT. period.

the audacity of some people really amazes me sometimes.

and one more thing. we will only wed in the first half of 2012. not anytime sooner. if you would like to get married first, please, by all means. we will be very happy to bless you and your wife-to-be at your wedding. there's really no need to ask ME, ALONE when we are getting hitched the minute the fiancé walked away to get a drink.

???

maybe he didnt mean anything bad, but i just want to complain. so just live with it.

| Dear John |

2010-12-03T16:57:00.000+08:00

Dear John was a movie i always wanted to watch. especially after reading The Notebook some time ago; they're from the same author by the way. and everytime we have our DVD marathons, the DVD shop would somehow always run outta this DVD for some strange reasons. glad we managed to rent the LAST one on monday.

watched a lil yesterday and i cant wait to finish the rest tonight because i hate being left hanging in the air.

since i couldn't contain my curiosity, i went to google on the ending (sucha spoiler i know) and found out that Savannah married someone else - the guy with the autistic boy in the end?!

major sadness. especially with a hunk like Channing Tatum. oops, the fiancé better not read this! HAHA

anyway, till tonight!

| Love, Redefined |

2010-11-28T02:30:00.001+08:00

the fiancé finally called at 12.30am.

his excuse? his new N8 hung and died on him several times.

HAHA

and somehow it didn't occur to him to find another way to contact me.

*Ouch

ladies and gentlemen, may I present love, redefined - a fiancé's love
for his fiancée. guess that's how important i am to him.

so now I am trying to come to terms with love that had been redefined
by today's display.

it's hard but I'm going to have to try or I'll probably never find
love again.

why cry over spilled milk?
why hurt over something u chose to give up?
why grumble when u could have had it all but you lost focus halfway?

another chance?

nah.

| Contact-less |

2010-11-27T23:42:00.000+08:00

the fiancé is away on a company retreat in KL. the last i heard of him was this morning at 9 odd.

his mobile is off, i can't find a number to call the hotel he's staying in, he's basically contactless and its not making me feel secure at all.

what would it take for him to just leave his mobile on while he is out shopping the whole day away?

empty promises again. i should have known.

| BALI Photography |

2010-11-26T11:40:00.001+08:00

we had so much fun in Bali that i dunno where to begin! when i have the time, i will slowly blog about it. in the meantime, here are just 3 outta the 200 over pictures we took in 2 hours. enjoy!

♥ nah, this wasn't the actual proposal; we were just fooling around

♥ innocence

♥ you and i

| BALI - The Proposal |

2010-11-24T11:39:00.002+08:00

Our Lil Secret

albeit 9.5 years together,
my heart unknowingly skipped a beat when he got down on one knee.

admist the Balinese night sky litted with the stars and the moon,
and frogs, cats and insects nearby serenading us,
dipped in our warm private pool - only him and me,
he looked at me with such tenderness,
one hand on my face and said "baby, baby";
i melted.

my heart thumped harder and louder,
i wonder if he could hear.
my face was flushed with redness,
at that time i only wanted to hide in his embrace.

and then he professed his love,
spontaneous, unscripted, unrehearsed.
"i love you so much" and

"i want to spend the rest of my life with you and God",
"will you be my wife?"

no fancy photograpers, no help from anyone,
just him and his down-to-earth sincerity -
the same reason why i first fell for him.

and just like that, i said yes.

there was no room for rejection;
he staged a perfectly romantic ambience;
it was simply overwhelming.

he did it; he made me fall in love with him all over again.
and though i am still a lil girl in many ways,
i promise to work hard to be his missus.

no longer a princess,
now i want to be the Queen of his heart.

| BALI - our couple time |

2010-11-12T14:14:00.002+08:00

following the popular movie - Eat Pray Love, and the promotion by Garuda Indonesia for those in the travel industry - we are going to Bali this sunday for a 3D2N getaway cum birthday celebration for yours truly!

the fiancé said to leave everything to him; i just need to avail myself and get ready to enjoy quality time with him. :)

we'll be staying here

looks pretty good plus raving reviews on tripadvisor so they definitely up my expectations to a notch higher. hope i won't be terribly disappointed.

fun aside.

the coincidences couldn't have come at a better time. we really needed this break. so much have happened in the last 2 months that had us thinking very seriously on how to put our relationship back on track.

especially since our marriage prep course (MPC) which ended with a grand finale at a retreat in Pulai Springs Resort, JB; we've had the most heart-to-heart experience and talk with each other. we had to face our impending issues one-by-one, trashed 'em out so that from now till the big day, we would not be carrying too much "excess baggages" into our new life together. the class may have ended, but there's still alot to be done and we're working on it. albeit 9.5 years together, i suspect we had/have more problems than any of our couple-classmates in all of MPC's terms. after all, we're almost a decade old. ;p

so its just purely couple time for us this weekend.

BALI - let me fall in love with you all over again :)

| Australia |

2010-10-21T16:32:00.001+08:00

the year that we graduated from TP, i should have gone to aussie with the big sista. she was gonna do her degree in UQ for 2 years, though it eventually got extended another year due to her remarkable results which saw her being offered the honour's programme.

so i started working in 2004, not expecting to work all the way and forfeit my last chance of being a full-time student.

i guess when we were young, being so madly in love was all there was to life. studies, marriage, the future - it all didnt seem to matter. looking back, it was a foolish decision to stay behind with the boyfriend, even though he promised we'll do our studies together in aussie after his NS.

he only fulfilled half of that promise.

2 years of NS came and went, we started on our studies together with Monash but financially, it had to be done locally. the boyfriend promised again and said we'll do our final year in melbourne. changes in our modules and the whole study structure meant that our study time of 2 years would be stretched and completed only after the 3rd year. though it was painful mugging schoolwork and working full-time, i still held on to that promise that we'll do our final year in aussie. final year also came and went and the last compromise - we'll go in our last semester. though that was said, i knew in my heart that aussie will never happen.

and so it never did. 3 times he promised, 3 times he failed to deliver. what would it take for a girl to give up completely? you tell me.

1.5 years ago, we finally graduated with Monash. it was suppose to be our grad trip but it never happened because of SARS. in the end, we went to Korea for the first time last christmas.

now, by God's grace, we are presented with another chance of aussie by way of a small sponsorship. it'll be a dream come true for me but i wonder if it'll really happen?

and so the story goes - Australia will always be this regret and pain that the boyfriend/fiancé so conveniently inflicted on me.

| Types |

2010-10-06T17:22:00.000+08:00

the fiancé said there are 2 types of blogger in this world:

1) those that blog their innermost thoughts and feelings
2) those that blog only about superficial happy stuff

i belong to category 1.

yet i hate being in that category at the same time.
sick and tired of whinning and getting all teary and upset over things i have no control over.

its taken a toll on me and my life and especially my Seven Dresses. im sure people must be wondering what is up with the owner who can't seem to get a grip of herself on most days?! i don't deny the fact that i do feel extremely lifeless and tired...like everything that was said and done the past month was surreal.

maybe.

but ive witnessed the power of God in this whole situation. apart from fear gripping my heart and wisdom beginning to show, its also the constant pain and heartache that i feel - emotions that i will not possibly share with another human.

its really true that if God is for you, then nothing will be against you.
but if we use mere human strength and go against God's will, then you'll know ahead of you will be obstacles after obstacles.

so i choose to give up.
i relinquish this thought that was never meant to be.
and i'll make sure it will never happen even if its supposedly 'the time'.

let me be wilful the last time, and decide to remain status quo for now, forever.

| Dreams |

2010-10-04T16:44:00.002+08:00

brokenness, shattered dreams,
can it be fixed back?
a regret, empty promises,
hurt lingers in the heart.
undeniable, undefiable,
never my will but Yours be done.
indignant, resenful,
it will never be mine.

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

- I Dreamed a Dream

p/s:

have disabled the annoymous commenting on eprincessdiary so all you annoynomous' out there can forget ever about commenting without a name from now on!

| Anticipation |

2010-09-21T13:55:00.001+08:00

have you ever been in anticipation for something you do not have control over and all that waiting just kills you? that's me right now.

since last saturday, people around us have responded very negatively since they knew of our intention. until now, i still dunno what is so wrong with it that they had to react so strongly.

define readiness.

if we don't start doing something now, whatever we hope for and want for the future will never happen. we know this is true because that's our nature. moreover, our degree course has equipped and trained us very well in the module called LAST-MINUTE, so really, there's nothing to worry about.

*LOL

fine, maybe we should have dropped subtle hints here and there and not totally drop the bomb (but then again, we didn't drop anything on anyone!), but for them to REACT that way was really uncalled for.

guess only my pup would be happy for me.

♥ my majestic lil pup looking down at me

♥ his favorite past-time - lick lick!

| zZz |

2010-09-17T15:47:00.003+08:00

can someone tell me how does forums work? i'm so sleepy and lost!

i've been tasked to read certain threads of the singaporebrides forum and i have no idea where or how to begin because there are like SO many topics, and within these topics are sub-topics and then threads? is that it? i'm really so lost right now and all the topics within topics and sub-topics within sub-sub-topics are making me SO sleepy! zZz

perfect weather.

anyway, some pictures i did outta boredom:

♥ botanic gardens

♥ DSLR quality-shots taken by my TX-5 (by the fiancé). come on, be amazed. HAHA

♥ lolo boy!

| Maybe I Never Knew |

2010-09-16T11:44:00.004+08:00

*feels like i dunno you more and more

this phrase is currently on my FB wall and a friend quickly msn-ed me to check if i was ok. its people like these who warms you; makes you feel better. :)

its really nothing serious; just a random thought that maybe i never knew the fiancé as well as i thought i did.

is 9 years enough to know someone?

just yesterday on FB, he wished his pal's girlfriend/wife happy birthday without signing off as US since i know her too. and late last night on FB again, he posted pictures of a birthday celebration with his colleagues and was actually sitted next to a female colleague?!

that's not it.

what really affected me was the fact that he stayed up till 2am last night - with me in the room trying to sleep with my eye mask over and him furiously clicking his mouse and typing away - and all these while loading pictures of work?!

did he care about the fact that i was so shagged out after packing parcels - with no help from him at all if i may add - and that i'm a super light sleeper and the slightest sound or movement and it will disturb my sleep? NO!

that explains why i don't like his colleagues very much. most of them are females and are the sort that stay in the office till really late, and will call him on his mobile at 9-10pm to talk about work. they were also the same exact one(s) whom fell sick and refused to see a doctor and ended spreading the germs to him and then to me - imagine the close proximity they must have been in for the germs to even infect him? are these even normal work relationships or am i paranoid here??? do you see my male bosses and/or colleague calling me way after office hours talking about work or asking me if buying a cake for another female colleague is ok or not???!!!

i've had it.

either he learns how to draw a line between work and family or he can jolly well join them permanently as a SINGLE.

to the fiancé:
how many bad experiences do we need to witness before you learn how to behave yourself? already i am stressing out over many many things and you still look like you're good for more fun without me. i'm really disappointed.

| Abuse |

2010-09-14T13:46:00.000+08:00

all month, i've been trying so hard to avoid reading details and seeing pictures of the poor pomeranian that got bashed to death.

i relented, saw, read and broke down.

i cannot believe how a drunkard can be blatantly bashing a small pup near a coffee shop with the onlookers just minding their own business. so typical of singaporeans! because it ain't human, its just a dog and therefore its allowed to be beaten to death? same for those SICK PEOPLE abusing stray cats! do you have any idea how small a pomeranian-type of dog is? they are quite tiny.

why must humans think they are King and abuse animals?

a life is a life no matter what and these people are answerable to God.

now, is there any other way of finding the culprit? i want to help so badly. what can i do? pledge money to try and help find the culprit? ok, maybe we'll pledge 50% of profits from Seven Dresses' LOVE Collections (13th and 14th) to help?

let me discuss with the fiancé first.

| NO? |

2010-09-13T16:06:00.001+08:00

i don't feel like getting married anymore.

not that we had any concrete plans too anyway, but i just don't feel like it any time soon.

the big hoo-haa about weddings had always deterred me from wanting to get married, and even more so now with half the world i know getting hitched soon! i'm happy for them but i look at my own life and wonder, will i ever be mature enough to want to sit down with the fiancé to plan for the biggest event of our lives?

everyone has advised me or us to start reading wedding forums but i am so not a forum person. it gives me a headache. i think i'd prefer blogs. any wedding blogs to recommend anyone?

whatever the case is, i don't wanna get married anymore. can we stay this way forever?

i think i'm falling sick again; maybe that's why i'm feeling so tired about my blogshop and totally off for marriage. my head's been heavy since the time i woke up and i'd been feeling hot-cold-hot-cold, donning and taking off my jackets, sneezing and no appetite. damn, i CANNOT FALL SICK AGAIN! *screams*

anyway, some eye-candy for our 13th collection tonight:

♥ this blue denim polka dot frock really matches my wedges and my red rattan bag huh? hee ;p

♥ managed to find another supplier with the same exact piece execpt with a pinkier hue of pink and navy blue

♥ mad loves my picnic basket to bits! and she also wants to have this topshop-inspired frock heh ;p

| Tired |

2010-09-13T02:31:00.001+08:00

i'm upset.

been so caught up with so many things ever since i-dunno-when and forgot to give myself some "ME" time.

despite the long weekend, i failed to accomplish anything.

can i blame the fiancé pls?

he has no idea what encompasses the launch of a new collection and i hate to say it but it is taking a toll on me! just let me take a break as and when i need to and when i'm recharged enough, i will do the necessary.

at this current moment, i am feeling so lost. give me some time to get my bearings right and we'll work from there.

don't think that's a terribly unreasonable request to make. i'm just tired and busy with many other things and if you could just let me slow down and breathe, i will be very grateful.

period.

| Hibernation Mode |

2010-09-08T11:18:00.002+08:00

i'm in hibernation mode now.

the erratic weather just sent rain down and i'm all cuddled up in my coats and jackets, scarfs and poncho.

everyone is just minding their own business today and so am i.

can't wait for the day to end, i am so tired.

anyway so Collection 12 - Our Father's Faithfulness was launched yesterday and at the same time, the fiancé and i decided to give away the Coogi Face Mask which we bought from Korea early this year as a form of incentive to find out how our consumers and potential customers feel about Seven Dresses thus far. while this blogshop was set up entirely in obedience to God's calling, i would wanna make the best of it, personally :)

got desiree to help out for the shoot and shyness aside, i think this girl's got potential~

and don't ask me why i'm also in the shoot! ok fine, ask.

it was because our dear desiree was SUPER shy she was looking all tensed up in most of the initial shots and so i had to change into some of the clothes to accompany her, else we would never finish the shoot before the next appointment reaches the studio :/

yes i know i'm not exactly model-material even though i was a child model eons ago so pls, keep those harsh comments to yourself.

♥ this flora sundress is one of my personal favourites; fabulous cutting

♥ ooo this piece (and the black version) is exlcusive to Seven Dresses

♥ another one of my favorites - look how cute she is

♥ this is the fiancé's pick - something that guys would love their girls to wear?

| NEW |

2010-09-03T14:16:00.001+08:00

just changed my blogskin and think it'll remain for a good few years HAHA. even blogger is now embracing the new CSS; welcome CSS, goodbye HTML. am still trying to figure out to how to centralise the bottom part of my blog though. perhaps another time when i'm not so sleepy ba.

and now, this is what i've been up to...

♥ stuffed squid

made dinner for the family yesterday and felt super unappreciated :(

it wasn't that the food wasn't delicious but i guess i wasn't exactly expecting that kinda response either.

nevertheless, the fiancé you know is super supportive and thinks the WORLD of whatever i cook to be delicious so i'm thankful for him ♥

right now, i just hope that the process of manufacturing our 2nd dress will not meet any more obstacles than it already has.

| Signs |

2010-08-13T16:08:00.000+08:00

i forgot my office keys today. no i wasn't locked out; in fact i was the last to arrive :/

left my ez-link card in the box meant for a friend and ended up using coins and buying the single fare card; forgot my office keys; got an odd feeling that i may have also forgotten to switch off the lights before i left office yesterday too. are these signs of old-age?

its worrying when you see people around tying the knot and MORE people asking me when our big day is - a definite sign of old age.

maybe i've just been really really shagged out since returning from our trip though it was part R & R, part sourcing trip. we had pretty good finds BUT maybe its just another sign of old age that i'm constantly feeling t.i.r.e.d.

i wanna catch a movie or two and just nua the whole day in bed. can i?

but first, i need to finish these stuff up:

friday
1. pay up the studio money
2. cell @ the big sista's place (thank God its just across the street!)
3. ribbon-tying for our flea tomorrow

saturday
1. flea (12-8pm)

sunday
1. church
2. photoshoot
3. kite-flying?

i do lead a h.e.c.t.i.c life, don't i? *lolx*

anyway since all my stuff are locked up @ work, here's what i've done to waste the time away *tsk

oh look, its 4.08pm already!

| Russ |

2010-07-28T13:41:00.003+08:00

think i'm calm enough to blog now since the news on saturday.

after seeking a second opinion, russ' heart murmur was confirmed by his usual attending vet on monday. its mainly due to old age, his bad temper, as well as the fact that he eats human food. Dr. Chua did not say how long russ can live but as long as russ is taking the long-term medication that Dr. Chua has put him under, he should be fine.

but now russ has to do a complete diet change; one that is low in sodium. he can't have his favorite milk, biscuits and stuff anymore. i hope he'll adapt well. the last few days when he was coughing, he did not have any appetite, it made us all so worried.

thank God he seems to be responding pretty well to the medication; we have to call Dr. Chua to report this to him today. his appetite also came back and his cough stopped. but he's still pretty tired and restless all the time and pico definitely cannot go near russ anymore because russ cannot afford to be agitated. he also can't go for long walks anymore because its too taxing on his lil heart.

russ will be 9 years old this national day. we'll celebrate earlier since we'll be away for the hols.

and i am still tearing as i'm typing this entry.

truth is, i can't take it!

i don't want russ to leave us so soon! i don't wanna come home just to see pico alone, i wanna be able to see russ too!

russ has been a big part in my life. he came the same year as the fiance came into my life in 2001. he was so tiny back then and we all grew to love him very much. i remember the very first time he set foot in our home, the three of us were lying on the floor and watching him curiously walking around us. shortly after, we smelled a fart and asked who did it and all three of us denied, next thing we knew, he poo-ed on the floor mat. he was real cute cos he contemplated for a long time and he wasn't sure where he could poo and because he was only paper-trained, he went to the nearest paper-looking thing to poo. what a smart boy! he's sucha dear in our hearts.

russ is God's gift to us, especially in a time where we needed stronger family ties - something or someone that could bond us closer as a family and russ came along.

even though he's grown to be so grumpy and bad tempered (it runs in the blood), he still loves us in his own special way.

and now if i may ask the Lord, the one thing is for russ to have a strong, healthy life. i don't want him to be in pain or to be upset in any way, i just want him to know how much all of us love him and will always always love him.

| Forever |

2010-07-26T12:34:00.000+08:00

can i cry pls?

i don't wanna lose my baby boy so soon..he's not even 9 years old

and i was still hoping on sunday when i woke up that everything we heard at the vet was a bad dream.

can i keep my baby boy with me forever pls?

| Thinking |

2010-07-20T13:27:00.000+08:00

i've been thinking.

i'm always thinking (and imagining) about everything and i think its innate.

i was doing so much thinking yesterday until it got me depressed to a point in time. what was i thinking about? many things.

we've settled the hotels for our trip and now its just left with researching on things to do. in fact, i'd be happy if we don't do anything during those 5 days and we just watch the world go by in my favorite part of the island - just you and i.

------------------------

i love daniel very much. it isn't something i just realised; its something i've always known. i love him to the extent of wanting a child with him that will look like the both of us - a little girl or boy that will carry a small part of him and me that is concrete evidence of our love. yes i think i would like that very much :)

everyone knows how i used to shun the idea of having a child but now i'm beginning to think otherwise. it'll be sweet :)

CLARIFICATION
yes, i'm still a virgin.
no, this coming trip is not and will not be a consummation of our love.
no, he hasn't proposed again.
no, we're not getting married anytime soon.

so just take this purely as a love story; OUR love story.

----------------------------

we're trapped.

we've got a design on hand and no factory that is willing to manufacture for us. apparently everyone's stopped taking in orders infinitely and i wonder if its got to do with what's going on in BKK. anyhow, we'll be meeting a supplier after work today and see if they'll be willing to take in our order in the meantime. *prays*

---------------------------

remember about the Inifinity Loop i mentioned about in my previous post? well its made me feel so small and insignificant that i burst out crying as soon as we left church last saturday.

i think i'm old enough to tell if someone is belittling us or if they are genuinely passionate about a cause. in any case, we should let God be the judge.

i'm not almighty; in fact even in terms of Bible knowledge/doctrines, i'm nowhere near those attending Sunday school. i'm insufficient in many ways, lacking in a lot of virtues as a Christian, but i know my cause and its very simple - open a blogshop to take back what rightfully belongs to the Lord i.e. money, and commit a portion to communities who have a need for it. and the reason for a blogshop is so that i can take care of it while i am still holding my full-time job because God is good, He didn't give me my day job for nothing you know.

and of course in the midst of that, i can expand myself to becoming a 'designer' of my own dresses, as well as use some of that marketing i've learnt through the books in actual practice here so i'll know i didn't major in marketing for nothing.

so while you are highly passionate about your cause, you need to know where other people are coming from. we all have our individual causes that God called us to do and if He dictates dresses, then who's to say pants? some may have the calling earlier, others (like me) later in life, so everyone's at different stages of fulfilling His purposes. if you're so up there right now doesn't mean i won't get there eventually. i will, but in any case, how fast or slow we get to the finishing point is also dictated by God so who has the right to belittle what we have done so far?

you may not mean it in a bad way; and if that's the case, take a different approach the next round. because i am beginning to understand why non-believers hate Christians so much. its because of bad eggs like YOU that spoil God's name!

and if you ever read this and want to apologise, DON'T.

i'm only blogging this out so i can have a happier day today.

| Happiness? |

2010-07-16T13:54:00.000+08:00

just finished re-watching The Little Nonya on xinmsn and damn its a tear-jerker alright. *sobs

such rich culture and history lie beneath a minority, i dunno whether to be proud of or ashamed to be a quarter of a Nonya myself. some of the traditions in our family are different as compared to the Hokkiens and/or Teochews but i guess that's not the point i'm driving at.

what i'm trying to say is, why can't two people who love each other be together? its so sad and i'm feeling all-so-emo about the fact that the main characters, yueniang and chen xi did not end up together eventually. *sobs

though they supposedly moved on and are successful and happy in their own way, i can't help but wonder if that is true happiness?

and what is true happiness on earth?

| Let me RANT |

2010-07-15T11:40:00.001+08:00

let me rant.

i'm sick and i'm in pain but i'm at work and i just want to rant.

stupid irresponsible people who are sick and refuse to stay home to recuperate, end up passing the germs to the fiance and then to me! i was just on MC 2 weeks ago for a cold that i caught outta nowhere and now this - stomach virus!

and i can't even stay home today even though i was given yesterday and today to rest because i have some stupid VIPs coming in at work today, i want to cry! i really want to cry! i am SO mad i could bite anything that irritates me today i tell you.

i'm hungry and yet i can't eat much cos anything i eat and i will LAU SAI big time, argh!

and when i posted something on his wall to indirectly scold his boss, he got angry with me. like pls, do i deserve to go down like that?

SHE NEEDS TO BE TOLD THAT IF SHE IS SICK, SHE SHOULD JOLLY WELL STAY HOME AND NOT COME TO WORK TO SPREAD GERMS, PERIOD!

| My Testament on Seven Dresses |

2010-07-13T15:00:00.007+08:00

nat told us over lunch last sunday that he's volunteered on our behalves, to put Seven Dresses up for display at Infinite Loop - an intiative by CSCC to promote God-inspired projects in the marketplace.

wow.

that caught me off-guard for a few moments.

and now i'm required to write, sort of like a testimony on how Seven Dresses was born.

i tried putting my writing into good use yesterday but somehow it lacked the personal touch that i had hoped would bring across. and so i've decided what better place to pen this than in my own journal - like how i've been doing for the past 6 years :)

think i shared before, amidst my 678 posts on blogger, that eprincessdiary is like my personal letters to God, since i seem to be more expressive with written words anyway.

ok so here goes:

to me, Seven Dresses represents alot of things. it represents God's calling for me, His moulding process in me, a testament of God's grace and faithfulness to my pre-believing family whom i hope one day - soon enough - will also give their lives to Christ, as well as His way of helping me financially in the area of the next phase of my life - marriage.

it was at one sermon in March 2010 at CSCC - sister Karen Dunham - a missionary in Palestine spoke about “Launching” and taking back what rightfully belongs to the Lord that planted an idea within me. it was something that I’ve always wanted to do but never had the courage or capital to do so, and which i felt extremely compelled to make it happen this time round - opening a blogshop and channelling a portion of the earnings back to His' name. in this way, i could bring the Bible and even the Gospel to the marketplace and help poor starving children in Jericho be less hungry. it would feel like myself, personally being out there on the mission field - which had also been my dream since i knew Christ 15 years ago but never had the chance too.

as i think back on everything that had happened in the last couple of months, i am slowly coming into the realisation (after piecing everything up together) that the Lord has never left me, He's always been in my life, slowly but surely fulfilling the purpose He's had for me since i received my first prophesy from a preacher when i was 12:

"..that her studies are well..that she'll do great things..things that her mother would never expect and would be so proud of her for...that she'll soar on eagles' wings..."

this is all i could remember. the rest of the prophecy, which my sister later wrote out for me, went missing together with my other boxes of stuff when we shifted house in 1999.

and although i do not know what these great things are, and/or if Seven Dresses is part of these "great things", i'm convinced that success comes only from the Lord and He is faithful; He will finish the work He started out in us.

| Travel Bug |

2010-07-08T17:21:00.002+08:00

been hit by the travel bug of late and have the strong urge to re-visit some old places (with unfinished business) and visit new places as well.

BUT it'll never be the only place i'll ever want to be in.

nevertheless, i am still thankful and count my lil blessings - at least i am leaving the country. God has been so wonderful and i've learnt that no matter what goes on in my life, His hand is always on it, in it and He leads as i allow Him to.

so the tics have been booked and we'll be away for the National Day hols. good riddance! ha!

remind me to write about PURPOSES tomorrow. till then.

| My Wants |

2010-06-29T16:36:00.005+08:00

i've been dying to do the Great Ocean Road drive for the longest time now! when issit my turn?

i wanna go to Philip's Island and see the penguins too!

i hear they're real cute - like they'll wait for one another and never leave anyone behind *lolx*

i also wanna go up to the Blue Mountains which the big sista happily went without me!
tell me again - what are sisters for? :/

i've decided that i shall not wait for the fiance any longer and will just do this road trip on my own..once i've saved up enough that is :S

| Deadbuyers |

2010-06-15T17:26:00.000+08:00

just a quick one before i knock off from work and rush off to another round of photoshoot tonight. *shag*

i'm very thankful and overwhelmed by the response of collection 6 - peace but at the same time, am so tired of all the deadbuyers. i mean, if you're not that interested then just refrain from commenting? thing is girls comment and confirm and yet back out. worse - they don't even reply to tell you they're no longer interested even when i send reminder emails! isn't that only basic courtesy? come on...

in the first place, i didn't even have to restock those 2 items but because so many girls were asking for it, and i know i'd feel bad if i didn't try to help to get some more stock, so in the end i relented and went to restock. :S

AND as it is, we unlike other blogshops are not blacklisting deadbuyers because we believe that everyone should be given a second or even third/fourth chance, just like how Jesus always give sinners like us so many second chances but pls don't take advantage can?

i'm so tired that i even have to resort to asking interested buyers to email me directly for the last pieces of that 2 items which i don't normally accept. *sigh

just be nice pls? ;(

| FAIL |

2010-06-11T13:28:00.001+08:00

i screwed up JY's birthday dinner yesterday.

its been so many years since i last screwed up someone's birthday. i'm pretty good at that, i think. somehow, i am always the root of so much unhappiness and over the years, i am beginning to doubt my value of living on this earth and how i've shamed Jesus' name in being His child.

people are shallow; they always look at the surface of things. nobody cares about what really happened, the countless heartaches and disappointments that i've gone through. not like i would even bother explaining, but sometimes, i just wish that he would be a man and stand up to his own mistakes and say, "yes i was the one who upset her because i gave her empty promises time and time again".

throughout these 9 years, i wonder if he's ever fulfilled anything he ever promised me. i wonder also the worth of his words, and the reaction of people if they know that we are on the verge of a break up now? but then again, everyone who knows us, from NTUC where we met, to TP, Uni and work, are betting on 2 things:

1. our wedding
or
2. our break-up

either which, both are very highly anticipated events of the decade (pun intended).

even people whom we just know - my photographer and model for seven dresses, also commented that he always looks so pathetic when i'm scolding him or being mean to him.

???

i don't blame them cos they only just got to know us, but why is everyone's underlying first comments be "i'm the devil and he's the saint"? and just like that, he's won the hearts of everyone of our friends and even families.

no matter how much i cry and rant on my blog or in the toilet, no one will ever believe that i am the one always suffering. that's just life - unfair.

men will always fail you; but God is forever faithful.

Seven Dresses' virgin FLEA

2010-05-27T17:04:00.001+08:00

haha, i just love the use of puns.

click on pic to find out more @ seven dresses lj

so we've been mad-rushing for this flea ever since we confirmed for it which was not too long ago; last week to be exact. and instead of 2 days, we're only gonna be there for 1 day because...i think i'm getting old and i need to REST. *lolx

its a LONG weekend after all, i can't possibly deprive myself of rest and some ME time right?

so anyway, we thought of the promotional mechanics and stuff in sucha short time and i hope it works? *cross fingers most importantly, kbox has got to have wifi or we're screwed BIG time. :/

i hope there'll be pple
i hope there'll be a crowd
i hope there'll be wifi at kbox
i hope they'll let us tap on their wifi if they really have
i hope i'll get to see some of my mailing list darlings who will come right up to me and tell me they are so-and-so
i hope we'll have fun nevertheless
i hope we'll learn to thank God and count our blessings no matter what

its only tomorrow; till then! :)

| Hana |

2010-05-27T14:14:00.003+08:00

she's sucha doll, don't you think?

| Blogging |

2010-05-19T14:46:00.003+08:00

i'm beginning to be convinced that some blogshop owners start a blog purely for the sake of advertising their blogshop. in a way its clever, but in another way, i find that tactic like gaining sympathy points.

whatever happened to blogging being for the love of writing?

well, maybe these girls just have all the friends and support whereas i have none. not even my fiance comes to my blog to check on my updates.

blah.

i shall just be content with writing and blogging which i have been doing so for the past 6 years (*gasps!) even though eprincessdiary is just a tiny space in the whole cyber world, where no one even knows of my existence or the existence of Seven Dresses. well, at least God does :)

| Silence & Trust |

2010-05-14T13:01:00.003+08:00

today's reading in ODB moved me to tears.

in it wrote:

His (God's) silence is the sign that He is bringing you into a marvellous understanding of Himself - a greater run of His purposes

Wow.

with nothing going my way since my return from redang, this message came as a comfort to me.

~difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage~

following the 6-steps to building faith, i may be right to say that right now, we are in the 4th stage - difficulties. so i will continue looking to the Lord for He is Jehovah Jireh; He will provide.

yesterday, we celebrated our 9th anniversary @ his new workplace. i'm so happy and proud that he got into my dream company and/or workplace. the benefits and perks are limitless, wait till he gets his pass. hmpf!

| Not Okay |

2010-05-13T12:58:00.002+08:00

the only thing that is keeping me from bursting out crying now is the fact that its our 9th anniversary today.

| Redang Redang! |

2010-05-07T16:51:00.001+08:00

slightly more than 30 minutes to knock off time and i'm starting to feel the excitement slowly creeping back, ha!

and this is where we'll be staying. let's just hope the room does live up to its description on its website.

this short trip supposedly celebrates our 9th anniversary together, but we're not alone. we'll be accompanied by another 2 more of the fiance's childhood buds. romance + friendship spells FUN!

be back late on monday night! *muack*

White Christmas & New Year 2009/2010

2010-05-07T13:04:00.003+08:00

Seoul Tower

Along Streets of Seoul

before i visit a new place, i told myself that i must upload the previous country's pictures first. look at my half uploaded HongKong Disneyland 2007...*sigh

so anyway, here are the long awaited pictures of our last Christmas in Korea, enjoy :)

Part I

Part II

Part III (Finale)

| Back! |

2010-05-03T23:58:00.002+08:00

haha, promised i'd be BACK with more pictures! ;p i'm so lovin' my TX-5 *muack*

| 1 more week... |

2010-04-29T12:07:00.001+08:00

its next friday...1 more week...

| Exercising Faith |

2010-04-29T10:31:00.001+08:00

how does God build FAITH in us?

you know how we always talk about "having faith in God" but we don't actually know how to exercise that faith. so last week's sermon came very timely, especially what i'm going through in my personal life right now and i thought its only right to share :)

6 Ds of what happens from the time we are called to be His children.

1) DREAM

firstly, God plants a DREAM in our hearts and minds. He gives us that dream, a picture of what He wants to paint in our lives. This dream is usually impossible to reach (because if it were possible then it wouldn't be called a dream, DUH heh ;p).

2) DECISIONS

decisions - the most important part in the 6-steps process as our dream would usually cost some investment of time, money and energy on our part in order to pursue it. this is also the part where God wants to teach us to let go of the security and comfort zone of what we have known all along and to look only to Him for security. this is also where OBEDIENCE and WILLINGNESS comes in place.

"obedience is more costly than sacrifice"

what God wants to see is how obedient are we to His calling.

3) DELAY

after we have obediently done what the Lord has called us to do, step number three is the season of delay, dryness and drought. :/

this is the most trying time and i believe currently, Seven Dresses and myself are in this situation. and the funny part is, there are people around us that are prospering and somehow those people whom we thought were friends, are somehow supporting other blog/physical shops. and you can only wonder to yourself if this is the right path that the Lord has set out for us? YES without a doubt, it is!

this dry season is where most people lose the DREAM as it is a test of our faith. and this is the time where all the more, we have to look to God and shut our mouths in case we are whiney and complaining. easy to say but hard to do. i for one am guilty of that. :S and if we do open our mouths, it should only to be agreeing to the word of God because its only when we do so, that we are setting the thermostat of what will eventually happen.

"...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20)

this step is vital because God needs to take away the ugliness and to purify as well as beautify the DREAM that He gave us in the beginning; and this takes time.

4) DIFFICULTIES

things will still not be improving and in fact, MORE difficulties and obstacles will come our way and the only thing we should do is still to look to the Lord - very similar to what we should do in Step 3.

5) DEAD-END

in this context, the meaning of a dead-end means no U-turning, no going back and there is only 1 way left. where God's hidden treasures are found, things here will start to look slightly better.

"only God can turn cruxifiction into resurrection"

6) DELIVERANCE

once the Potter has moulded us into the clay that He wants us to become, painted the DREAM to what He had in mind right from the start, then things will finally begin to pick up. He will finally come to deliver us and that, my friends, is God's way of teaching us how to build faith.

"faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ" (Romans 10:17)

hope you learnt something here because i certainly did.

things sure ain't easy with Seven Dresses but ultimately, it is a test of faith. we know that as long as we stand firm with God, we can overcome this drought that we are facing now. Amen!

| TX-5 |

2010-04-28T14:43:00.000+08:00

before i talk about the TX-5, can i tell you how much i am lovin' my new blog layout? haha!
simple and clean - my type of blogskin. hehe

so back to the TX-5, we are finally gonna get it after work today and i just cannot contain my joy and excitement of finally owning a camera that does not require us to stop breathing when taking night shots. ;p i have nothing against my old nikon, after all it did serve us well for the past 5 years i think. BUT fact is, its old and its gotta go and i'll definitely miss her!

and our purpose of getting the TX-5 now instead of any other time is because:
1) we're going REDANG ISLAND soon! (realised i haven't blogged about it yet *oops)
2) and to the ZOO as well for some Decisive Force thingy
3) and because i just want to..*lolx*

will be back with MORE pictures that will be super clear and sharp and pretty! *muack*

| Again |

2010-04-23T13:30:00.001+08:00

a heavy stone that weighed down,
a careless word that hurt.
a shout that broke hearts,
i am the damned one again.

its tough, its hard,
waging a spiritual warfare.
the Holy Spirit diminishes,
and human nature takes over.

discipleship - the cost of carrying the cross,
not many could withstand.
the spirit is willing,
but the flesh is weak.

disappointed again,
discouraged again.
how to pick myself up?
i try to trust again.

Jesus oh Jesus,
only You know me,
only You see right through me,
only You understand me.

my tears are diamonds in Your sight,
only i mean that much to you.

my heart is in pain,
my eyes tear,
my lips start praying,
grant me self-control,
help me be more like You,
so that people may see You in me.

Amen.

| Sick |

2010-04-21T01:10:00.004+08:00

i'm down with sore throat, fever, pounding headache, runny nose, body ache and cough AGAIN. this is the second time this year that i'm taking MC. if i continue to skip work tomorrow (wed), i would be left with 8 days of MC for the rest of 2010!

this is even worse than when i was studying part-time. *sigh

what is wrong with me?!

anyway, the time now is 12.57am and i am still debating if i am well enough to go work tomorrow or just skip it altogether? i went back to work in the morning today to process all our salaries which would be paid out this friday, and i was coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose NON-STOP. then i felt feverish and decided i HAD to go HOME and so i did and went to the doc AGAIN.

speaking of the doctor, pls let me complain.

i went to the clinic on monday morning and it was the lady doc on duty. she's a lil strange and she always seemed extremely UNSURE of what medicine to give. and i thought that since i was dying of a burning sore throat and runny nose, i'll just let her talk to herself. so she gave me 1 day MC. to be honest, its not that i'm so hard up for the MC, but if she had given me 2 days MC right from the start, she would have saved me LOADS of trouble having to go back another round today.

so i managed to rush down after work today and this time round, it was a male doc. i like him better. even though he's a young guy, he talks really SLOWLY. but at least he's more certain of himself - that i am positive. so he said that i caught the FLU BUG and i had to stay home to rest and not go round spreading the VIRUS to my colleagues which i totally agreed given my earlier experience in the morning. then he said i was RUNNING A TEMPERATURE i.e. FEVER. ah this was something NEW that the female doc FAILED to diagnose on monday. *major eyeroll* so finally he said another 2 MORE days of MC to STAY HOME AND REST.

and that was what i had been doing the whole day. thing is, i am feeling better. but i'm not so sure of the runny nose, sneezing and coughing part tomorrow. i really feel bad if i'd passed my virus to my colleagues, which by the way, happened before and even though my colleague and boss didn't say it that time, i knew that the WHOLE WORLD knew it was ME.

back to my earlier point, so should i go to work or should i stay home?

now before you start accusing me of faking MC, allow me to clarify that i am on this medication that is STRONGER but gives me INSOMNIA. :S

| Seven Dresses |

2010-04-09T16:17:00.002+08:00

since monday night, i've had troubles falling asleep. this is very unlike me because being the pig that i literally am, i've never had such problems!

maybe i'm still convalescing from tummy flu that we were down with last weekend.

or maybe i've just been stressing out over my new blogshop which by the way is open. do visit http://sevendresses.livejournal.com/ to get yourself one dress for each day of the week and for a good cause! from now until our big day which we are targeting May 2012, we are pledging 20% of our profits to the missionary work that is going on at Cornerstone Community Church; while the remaining 80% will go to our wedding fund. :) after which, we hope to faithfully commit at least 50% of our profits to missionary work. so help to SPREAD the word yah? *winks

why Cornerstone? hmm because we had been very blessed by the services since day 1 we attended CSCC and with our lil efforts, we hope to do something for the Lord; to give something back to Him.

why a blogshop? hmm because i feel that its not without reason that i can't stop shopping online or in physical stores or have an eye for fashion and all things beautiful ;p and i figured there must be some way i can channel this passion or compulsive disorder into something useful and before i knew it, one sunday during the sermon by Karen Dunham, she talked about taking back what rightly belongs to God's people, specifically about Launching, i knew it then that it was God speaking to me.

you see. prior to that service, i had been corresponding with a supplier/wholesaler whom had gotten my email address from one of the bazaars where we participated under my other blogshop, Missy Hand Me Down (will talk more about that another time but you could also shop there ;D). and it was cool because she opened up the possibility of me owning a blogshop sellling first-hand clothes. however, with the capital that was needed to start and how business would be very slow in the beginning (which i hate to agree), i was very hesitant and procrastinated for quite a bit, almost to the point of giving up this idea completely. BUT it was that sermon which woke me up. i knew what i had to do, i knew what God has called me to do, i knew i had to launch and start this blogshop soon and credit it to His name. and instead of keeping all the profits to myself, why not give a portion to help others, for the extension of His kingdom? and so, that's how Seven Dresses was born.

| TGIF @ Hard Rock Cafe |

2010-03-09T15:30:00.003+08:00

its been so long since i last posted something on my blog that has a poster which says it all. saves me loads of typing.

but isn't blogging the whole idea of typing out your thoughts and feelings? yup i don't deny it, i'm a walking contradiction.

its an unusually restless day for me at work today, and i wonder if its the pregnant-top i'm wearing that is making me feel ugly and therefore restless; or the fact that i stupidly forgot to print out the material my MD sent me days ago for our meeting this morning that made me feel dumb?

if its the former, then, fret not because i brought along a cardigan that thankfully, dresses pretty well with the rest of my outfit and thus i am saved by the cardigan!

but if its the latter (which i am pretty sure it is), then i only have myself to blame. already i am SSSOOOO free in this position that is killing me softly, and i can still screw up something so simple. well done!

i wonder what's next?

| Singapore Radio Awards 2010 |

2010-02-19T13:40:00.000+08:00

help vote for the big sista here!!!

her name is lynette tan by the way, with Symphony 92.4FM. hehe ;p

| Port Dickson, 18-19 Oct 2009) |

2009-12-12T00:00:00.003+08:00

part two of the pictures taken @ Port Dickson as promised. unedited and purely uploaded unto FB.

| Divine Timing |

2009-11-10T11:49:00.006+08:00

some time in October, there was a guest speaker in our church, Dr Guy Peh. i felt very compelled to share what i learnt, however, too many distractions were the reason why i'm only penning this now. his sermon topic, if my memory didn't fail me, was about the promise of God and His divine timing.

1) Fullness of Time

Galatians 4:4 and the entire chapter of Malachi 4 talked about the fullness of God's timing, particularly Galatians 4:4 where the Scriptures were prophesying on the coming of Jesus, Son of God. that was 400 years of prophesy before it was fulfilled. God used 400 years' worth of time to prepare a platform before His prophecy would be complete.

Galatians 4:4
But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons.

Malachi 4
"For behold, the day is coming, burning like a furnace; and all the arrogant and every evildoer will be chaff; and the day that is coming will set them ablaze," says the LORD of hosts, "so that it will leave them neither root nor branch."...

"Behold, I am going to send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and terrible day of the LORD. "...

"See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse."

2) The Appointed Time
in other words, God-ordained time.

the speaker gave an analogy of new relationships that we make with people. God sometimes uses people and relationships as instruments so that these people or relationship may bring about the release of our individual destiny. its like a ship or a vessel that is carrying something that we need from God.

most importantly, it is during the appointed or God-ordained time that spiritual warfare is never far, because the Devil is always waiting to strike God's people. so in such times, God's people should be even more rooted in God's words and in prayer.

3) Set Time
we as God's children have to set a time so that things can happen certainly, because God has a certainly moment for each of us.

Genesis 21:2
So Sarah conceived and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the appointed time of which God had spoken to him.

Exodus 9:5
The LORD set a definite time, saying, "Tomorrow the LORD will do this thing in the land."

Setting Time / The Promise
exactly next year this time, whatever tough/difficult situations we're currently in now, will change and improve for the better, Amen!

just watch.

| today... |

2009-11-09T18:48:00.001+08:00

today feels like the kind of day where i would have tons of things to rant on my blog.

many things going on lately and its the year-end season again. november - its my month. its also our month - our very long engagement.

yesterday's sermon touched on prayer. a very interesting perspective: humans form God in their own image. unfortunately, i had to agree with that. which is why there are so many disappointments that Christians face, because each has his/her own idea of how God should be, how He should answer prayers and what He should do in difficult situations. for the benefit of non-Christians, God made humans in His image, not vice versa.

.Deviated.

my current location is at the boyfriend's office, and i am sitting directly in front of him now. i have made 2 online purchases already and i am still waiting for him to knock off. my head is starting to spin but there is this event that i have to attend with him. i am still hungry even though i have eaten a cheesecake, a kaya pancake and a sausage bun (most of which i had finished even before i reached the office).

HURRY UP!

| Melaka - 17 Oct 09 |

2009-10-26T22:36:00.001+08:00

as promised.

seeing that yours truly had the long Deepavali weekend, the boyfriend and i planned for a short getaway, super impromptu, tagging along the cousin and the parents.

first stop: melaka or malacca, where we were at about 6 years ago. we've grown, changed, and we're still together. =)

moving on, our favourite pasttime - piggin' session. what to eat at the place made famous by the drama Little Nonya? nonya cuisine of course.

then more piggin' session!

walking around the nostalgic streets..

chanced upon a shop with exquisite beaded footwear. wanted to get a pair for the second sista's traditional wedding but they were SO exquisite they only had one size for one color for one design. maybe next time.

had the opportunity to step into a couple of traditional nonya houses, very spacious and alike what we see on TV.

finally made it to the condo.

the different views...

aahhh..this is the life..

just when we thought our R & R (read: rest & relax) trip had already begun...we were grossly mistaken!!!

to be continued...Port Dickson, 18 - 19 Oct 09.

| ... |

2009-10-25T23:39:00.002+08:00

do you sometimes get tired of life?

2 months into this job and i'm feeling tired. something must be wrong. fell sick with a neverending sneezing fit and a dripping nose on friday and scared half the office away - good. ended up sleeping and sleeping for the whole of yesterday and now i can safely say i'm better.

pay-day and i helped boast the economy again: retail therapy and online therapy. i need to curb my spending, its atrocious.

just a thought: is there a need to be so secretive?

| Russ & Piccolo |

2009-10-22T23:55:00.001+08:00

::what happens everyday at home - my two lil ones::

starring Piccolo (on the left), and Russ (on the right; dark brown and white).

| Coming Up Soon... |

2009-10-21T00:03:00.000+08:00

watch this space for more~! promise i'll be back. =)

| Getting to Know... |

2009-09-07T22:47:00.000+08:00

i know that on some computers, my new blogskin looks really off. BUT it looks perfect on my lappie so yes, just live with it.

had a good long lunch with my boss for the first time today. even though i already know how well he can hold his liquor, i still can't help but exclaim at the fact that he drinks alcohol like nobody's business, especially during lunch-time where he still has the second half of the day to go!

maybe its their culture and its just ME having to get used to it. felt pretty honoured at how he was practically telling me his whole life story. he shared how things are really really really expensive in his hometown, and some of the things i should avoid if i were to visit his country and stuff. its interesting to learn. i do look forward going there some day. till then.

| New Beginning |

2009-09-07T00:35:00.001+08:00

there had been many changes in my life in the past couple of months; especially from the time i ended my final exam till now. i guess the most significant change was the change in my career path. i finally said goodbye to the low-paying, over-loaded, and full-of-politics job after 3 years 10 months (another 2 more months and it would have been my 4th year there). all those complain sessions, OT and countless rants were good experiences that i would take with me.

convocation is finally gonna be here. i've waited nearly 2 months for it and i'm so excited just thinking about it! had originally planned to take the day off, however there are VIPs coming and my boss insists on introducing me to them.

seriously.

so i promised i'll stay till he introduces me to them and leave only an hour earlier. i didn't push my luck, after all, he's my new boss and i'm technically still on probation and not allowed to take any leave.

did i mention how good the Lord is to me for giving me this new job? my job-hunting days were very shortlived. i only went for one interview during my notice period. had been busy clearing up my work and going on leave, holidaying in macau and all you see. then on my last day of work at my ex-company, i received a phonecall which said i had been shortlisted and accepted at this new place. it was double-happiness for me!

i have to give this testimony because He's really working in my life, every single waking hour. naturally, i also had my fair share of sending out resumes and filling online application forms during my job-hunting days. so one day i msn-ed the big sista who happened to be online at that time, asking her to pray that i'd get one particular job. her reply was this:

"i won't pray that you'll get this job. instead, i'll pray that the Lord will provide you with a job."

her reply really woke me up. in that instance i remembered, not my will but His be done. so i lifted my job-hunting to the Lord and for once, really trusted Him without a doubt and there He worked in my life. just like that and i was blessed with this job. it may not be the best-paying job around, it may not give me the most perks like how some jobs are tagged along with, but its good because its a gift from my God. so this is something i just had to testify.

alright, time for bed.

| Love, Children |

2009-08-13T15:23:00.002+08:00

on my way home just now, there was a down-syndrome child sitting across me. she was together with her maid, i think. despite her abnormality (pardon me here, i am not professionally trained to use the correct terms; these are just laymen terms if you will), her maid was singing to her, reading to her; of these, the bottom line was to make the lil gal happy.

that was what got me thinking: she was just a maid, someone totally not related to the lil gal but she found such joy in singing to her and making her happy, like seeing the lil gal smile was her own joy~! i was amazed.

then the real question came: how many of us can actually love a physically challenged/abnormal child like the maid i just mentioned? i kept pondering and wondering and thinking and i still couldn't find an question; it definitely ain't easy. to a cetain extent, it is so heart-wrenching just to think about it.

i can only say that i will try my very best to love them because every child is a gift from God. and every parent will always think their own child is beautiful, like how i would think my very own in the future would also be the most beautiful thing alive.

| Airport |

2009-07-24T20:50:00.003+08:00

just some randoms before i fly off to macau tonight. the flight is delayed till dunno-when and i reckon from now till they announce the time, we'd be really free. so the boyfriend and i are standing here, with a glass panel in front of me to see the person standing opposite me (usually an ang moh), using the free internet access in the customs area to do a bit of research for our trip and for me - to waste my time away.

this was suppose to be my graduation trip to aussie if not for the swine flu. i had everything planned out, just waiting for the opportune moment and wa-la, the swine flu just had to hit that particular part of aussie so badly that my parents had to practically beg me not to go. what else could i have done? *sigh*

and i just realise i have about 2.5 minutes more to complete this post before i am auto-logged out. WTH?! fine, i'll go now.

| Learnt |

2009-07-21T00:54:00.001+08:00

i have learnt that there are some things in life that i may wish and hope and even pray very hard for, but at the end of the day, if its not the Lord's will for me, it will never happen.

its not that i'm not good or qualified enough, its not that i don't deserve it; its just not the Father's will for me.

and despite this, i have to learn to trust Him completely that He will make my paths right; that only He knows what's best for me.

EVEN if the path that He sometimes chosen for us may not be the most smooth-sailing one, we can trust that what we wish and hope and pray for, will only happen in His time.

| Ivan's Wedding |

2009-05-22T19:33:00.003+08:00

just some randoms to share...1 May 09, Carlton Hotel. too bad we didn't get a picture of the bride and groom. *shrugs*

| Final |

2009-05-22T18:23:00.003+08:00

today, i handed in my final ASSignment for Monash's grading.

i cannot even begin to describe how i felt just now and am feeling right now...all i remember was that i was shaking when i clicked on the 'submit' button. even on my drive to office, i was still shaking. now that reality has set in, i can finally heave a sigh of relief and pray for the best.

next, the final hurdle - EXAMS

| Infidelity |

2009-05-11T00:19:00.000+08:00

its common isn't it? but i never expected it to happen within such close proximity.

temptation, pleasure, folly.
deceit, lies, tears, guilt.
sadness, brokenness, anguish.
love, respect, trust, hope - how to regain them?

石欣卉 - 你没想像中爱我

你小心翼翼牵我手
其实是担忧藏不住我
自尊也投降活在她之下
我好傻

你字字句句说你不爱她
那又是什么让你害怕
我疑惑但是原谅因为你留下
我好傻

不是我不说就不在意空等候
原来你没想像中那么爱我
我不懂该拿什么安慰我的难受
你的存在让我更寂寞

你寸步不离像天使的她
挥霍我的爱从不放心上
我有一丝无奈也有一些明白
该放开

不是我不说就不在意空等候原来
你没想像中那么爱我
我不能再从你的怀抱感觉到什么
不爱我别再说假装爱那是撒盐在伤口啊

谁说我不在意空等候原来
你从来都没深刻爱我
我才懂不是我不心痛
其实是心没了感受

你没想像中爱我

| Grad |

2009-05-08T00:01:00.004+08:00

i just applied and paid off my graduation fees. this is significant, that's why i'm making the extra effort to pen it down. in years to come, i will look back on the 3 years of the most painful time in my life - working and studying, AND i wonder what i will say then.

*lolx*

will see.

| Bye |

2009-04-07T16:33:00.006+08:00

he was the one who cheered me on in the office when i thought i of giving up
he was the one who never failed to perk me up with his crappiness
and now that he has left for greener pastures, i guess all i can say is God Bless the work that you're doing - its really something.

p.s. i know the collage isn't well done, but its an effort, so pls keep your harsh comments to yourselves. =)

| Abhor |

2009-04-06T23:00:00.000+08:00

if its anything i absolutely abhor, it will the fact that ANYONE wakes me up in the middle of my nap time. especially after i've barely had 3 hours of sleep in the night.

even waking me up prematurely on a weekend is fine. yes i will be grouchy and whiney but the point is, i will not scream and yell and be scary.

its ASSignments mulling period and i have extremely lil rest and therefore i get edgy more easily than usual. so pls, do me a HUGE favour and just leave me alone.

| Marina Barrage |

2009-03-22T21:54:00.004+08:00

i'm suppose to be doing my ASSignment due wednesday, but i couldn't help but get distracted and i did this. Nice?

| Personal Space |

2009-03-18T23:01:00.005+08:00

i finally had a talk with him about how i'd been feeling lately. he wasn't happy...

let's just say 8 years is a really long time. and i'm tired. 8 years is an unnaturally long time for any couple to date. and in all honesty, i dunno how many more "8 years" i can bear before we are finally across the next stage in life - marriage.

while i recognise the seriousness of marriage and not to mention the cash involved, i can't help it when it happens to be the next step in the equation. unfortunately, that is not the direction we're headed to, not for the next 3 years at least.

dun get me wrong, i'm not dying to get married, i just think that if that's not gonna happen in the near future then perhaps its time i'm given more personal space to get in tune with myself again, to rediscover myself again. after all, you have to begin to know yourself first before anyone can know you better right?

i also have to clarify that wanting my personal space has absolutely nothing to do with any "greener pastures" as how some have quickly jumped to. it has also nothing to do with the story that i've read - its purely just wanting to be able to spend some alone time.

on the flip side, if things do go well, my personal space may well reveal how much more i need him, miss him and even teach me to treasure him more. as it is, i can't deny the fact that we have both been guilty of taking one another for granted. he also agreed that my request is an accumulation of pent-up frustrations. undeniably, he knows that for me to ask this of him is indeed a grave matter, and no matter how much he didn't want to agree to this, he still did - for me.

this isn't a cooling off period, neither is this the preliminaries to a break-up (i hope). at the end of the day, i just hope to be able to find what i'm looking for.

| The Twillight Saga |

2009-03-18T21:43:00.003+08:00

4 months after i first watched the movie, i decided it was time to go borrow the book(s) since the facade would have already died down by then. but, i was pleasantly surprised how intriguing the story was and the way it captured me to the point that i finished all 4 books within sucha short span (considering the fact i never read except for a few rare books like the Memoirs of a Geisha and The Da Vinci Code) that even i wasn't sure if i had been reading or if i had been watching the story in my imagination.

i'm buying all 4 books to keep (that's another rarity!) because i can forsee myself re-reading them again.

no doubt the story is fictional in nature, still i can't help but wish that there was a guy like Edward Cullen for me in this world. no matter what, its just fantasy.

| Back! |

2009-02-19T23:01:00.001+08:00

i'm back from my second taiwan trip...watch this space for the pics~!

| Movie of the Year 2008 |

2008-12-30T00:19:00.004+08:00

this has got to be, without a doubt, yours truly's favourite movie of the year (of course High School Musical 3 is also on my top list)!

but this movie is a.m.a.z.i.n.g!

Twilight is something totally different from your average movie. go watch it if you haven't, oh and i'm searching for the book(s) as well as for a date to watch this movie again with because the boyfriend simply refuses to waste another penny on a movie like that. *major eyeroll

p.s (the boyfriend and i are still together! *hooray)

| Issit The End? |

2008-12-12T00:12:00.000+08:00

i drove home alone crying the whole time.
i dunno what happened tonight that made us fight so hard.

maybe it was because of the old girlfriend and the young boyfriend...
maybe it was because i was just feeling anti-social tonight...
maybe it was because i was jealous of the graduate that just flew home...
maybe it was because i was too shagged after OT-ing until 8 plus...
maybe it was because i was never interested in that stupid alien movie...
maybe it was because i was too hungry...
maybe it was because of the way he always makes me look in front of his friends - devilish
maybe it was because of the way he always picks a fight with me when we're just about to meet his friends
maybe...lotsa maybe

but he still said it nevertheless.

he said he didn't see it coming.
he said he's tired. he said that i am tired too. after all, its been 7 years.

he said that was the last movie we're ever watching with his friends.
i told him it would be our last movie together.

my girlfriend told me to think things through carefully before making a haste decision.
but now the onus doesn't fall on me i guess; its on him.
even though they say it takes two to clap, this time, i'll leave it solely to him to make this decision.

he's hurt, and so am i.
do we give each other time or do we simply let go?

may the Father's will be done.